To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I think the above is true but I imagine the sense of loss, abandonment, not being good enough or wanted is amplified in a blended family.

The DSC may hear or sense they don’t ‘fit’ anywhere, having to mould yourself to different standards every few days/weeks cannot be easy.

They may have an adult making it clear their presence isn’t wanted, maybe time spent with their parent always has to be shared with someone else’s child . Or that parent often leaves them with a resentful adult.

Maybe they have to witness the ‘together’ family and get a sense of loss that they shift in/out.

I think blended families work where theres a decent amount of compassion for how it affects the DSC.

Fair enough, that’s not how it reads to me but I understand what you mean now

Exactly. My DSS sees him mum once a month out of the house but won't stay at his mum's because he dislikes her partner. He's been very open and honest with her about his feelings on it and the reasons he doesn't want to live with her. Similarly we had spells where he didn't want to live with us and he told my DH he was just happier at his mum's. This was before she had a partner. Him not liking our house was nothing to do with a step-parent living there is was because DH imposed more rules and boundaries. He didn't get away with as much as ours as he did at his mum's. I know not all kids will feel about to be honest with their parents though but generally teenagers have a nack for being brutally honest.

As you say, that very much depends on the blended family. For a lot of the young people I see, the step parent / siblings are actually a protective issue. They say things like ‘step dad understands what mums like and calms her down a bit’ or step parent is the only one who actually shows an interest. It’s actually really common in the people I talk to for that sort of sentiment to be expressed.

For some families there is a dynamic as you describe above but it’s certainly not such a blanket negative experience as some would convey on here in my experience.

Your final sentence captures it but I’d extend that sentiment to all families, not just blended ones.

@ineedsun

They say things like ‘step dad understands what mums like and calms her down a bit’ or step parent is the only one who actually shows an interest.

The above amplifies how useless the parent is, having someone not obliged to care for you do so while the present obligated person doesn’t must be a real mind fuck.

We know together families aren’t necessarily happy or beneficial for children, but here we are specifically talking about blended families.

I think she was referring to the posters who had made comments, whom she took to be stepparents. That’s how I read it.

Yes always sharing your parent. Because someone else’s child is always tagging along. Normally because we are meant to be one big happily family.

A child who often gets to live full time or only disappears eow themselves so gets your parent much more than you only visiting eow. Of course you both have to be there the same eow because family time. Rather than getting that one on one. Because the adults want alone time eow with no children. Till the new baby arrives.

Hand on heart if I could give advice to my younger self it would be don’t fall for a man who already has a child. DH and his ex were only teens when they found out they were having child and it ended up being a resentful and toxic relationship that ended when their child was 2 so their child doesn’t remember them ever living together.
There were many areas of stress, tension and now I believe resentment as SC as an adult having seen our bio kids being brought up by their Dad and not having had the experiences that they have had due to many different factors. For example SC parents were teenagers when they were born, they were on a very low income the split was very acrimonious and ex moved on quickly and met someone new who moved in had another child together, they then moved several hours drive away and refused to do any of the travelling for access.
DH and I got together several years after they separated and by the time we had our own kids SC was late teens and is now an adult.
I do feel SC resents the fact that he never lived with his Dad and he’s seen his Dad bring up our 2 children and whilst close their relationship is definitely different. I’m also sure that SC probably didn’t want all the step parents that he had - me included and particularly the ones that he had to live with.

So yes my experience is that it wasn’t the easiest situation for anyone involved including all of the kids. Hindsight is a great thing.

i do however have a good friend that seems to have navigated a blended family well - she has 3 DC and her bf has 1 and they all spend holidays and weekends together and it seems to work but who knows how anyone really feels

Aah but haven’t you heard?!! Children are “adaptable.”

It might just be that they are powerless to change anything but adaptable is a better term: much easier on the conscience of adults inflicting the upheaval.

Just want to clarify for anyone who thinks the people here with negative experiences are being hateful towards blended families or coming from a mean place, we really aren't.

I think what we're doing is what we wish someone did for us when we were powerless children, stuck in a situation we didn’t choose with no way out - advocating for the children.

We're not attacking step parents, we're defending the children.

I think that’s a very helpful addition to the conversation.

I know that when I see stepparent threads, I often am struck by what that situation must look like from the child’s point of view. And I don’t think that’s wrong as an instinct.

It means he's comfortable enough to be with us to stay extra nights (but cause it's convenient for him too!). I'm his stepmother so "normally" they'd like to stay as little as possible here. Or that's the stereotype anyway.

I am super conflicted on this. I had a terrible experience with my dad and ‘step mum’ when I was a child - she was just not maternal at all, resented the attention my Dad gave us and her and my Dad made it VERY clear that they preferred my brother and I was just the little tag along.

On the other hand we are now a blended family with it being me, my DP and DSS. We’re really happy, have a really amicable relationship with DP’s ex and all we all want is for my DSS to be happy and feel loved which he does. We have a really good routine which DSS thrives in and he gets time at his Mum’s with his little brothers then is at ours 4/5 nights a week where he can decompress a bit.

I think anyone in a blended family needs to accept sometimes it doesn’t work and that’s ok - but you can’t say it doesn’t work in every single situation as it does in some.

It’s probably also worth adding it probably works so well for us as we don’t have children (me and DP) - DP’s ex has other younger children. It’s very unlikely I will have any children of my own so because DSS is our only one it works a lot better than if we were to add another child in.

As my children were growing up many of their friends would voice their true feelings about step parents /step siblings / half siblings. It differed significantly from their parents narrative, the complete opposite in most circumstances. One child so revealed abuse from his step father.
Having had first-hand experience of this myself, it was only after I shared this fact with kids it unleashed an absolute torrent of upset and emotion.
Equally the friends I've made over the years only those who have remained single after a break up who have the most well adjusted young adults, than those who have moved an unrelated adult and/or their additional children into a blended family arrangement. That's not to say it doesn't ever work, though as in OP's case it's the exception not the rule.

This post almost brought tears to my eyes.

I’m so sorry about the experience you had growing up, but there are few things more touching than when someone takes their own bad experience and, learning from it, is able to transfer it into something positive and wonderful for another person. I’m sure from the way you write your childhood has helped you become a really special person for your DSS. When it does work, it’s an inspiring thing. I just think a lot of people are not honest about the impacts and motivations.

I can imagine this is the scenario where it most often works - where the parent who has the child most marries or life -partners with someone who has no biological children and genuinely wants to view the stepchild/ren as their own. "DSS is our only" - our - that's why this has a higher chance of working.

I don't know if we are technically a blended family because I don't have any bio kids so that probably makes things a bit easier.

Well QUITE, @Illpickthatup (and @Woahtherehoney )
Neither of your situations are blended families, they are Having A Step Parent.

Or, most importantly, a stepmum; vastly less likely to be a source of abuse than a stepfather as the data demonstrate again and again.

You haven’t got parents prioritising their bio children over their partner’s bio children, or conflicting parenting styles, or having a parttime home in two houses while your parent’s ‘new’ family gets them full time.

Or always having to share bedrooms with kids you aren’t related to, because you aren’t one of two children anymore, you’re one of 4 or 5 all of a sudden.

The thread is about blended families. Families where children with different parents are forced to live together, complete with stepparents but not only having a stepparent.

Well, my family has been described as a blended family and I was childless for the first 5 years of my relationship with DH, but apparently, still the evil stepmother, even though SD was the centre of everything for that whole time.

Yes well I would say that’s a blended family.

It’s a family where one parent has departed from the child’s initial family and the child has to accept new people as “family” or their constant presence in a family setting. That’s where I think the blending happens.

Of course the more people, the more blended. Like a smoothie. There can be more ingredients or less; but provided they don’t all hail from the initial parental relationship, I think that’s blended. But I’m no expert so happy to stand corrected. Regardless, I would find accepting my father’s partner as “ family” difficult, especially where there was an element of authority over me as a result, and especially if the dynamic was not particularly pleasant.

And now you have a child, so your family is blended.

The usage I’m most familiar with is :
Step families have a parent unrelated to the child(ren)
Blended families have children who do not share both parents (step or half siblings). So not bc all step families are blended families.

But obviously your mileage may vary.

Right, so the first 5 years we were not blended, but when we had DD we became blended?

I have mentioned further up that SD was desperate for siblings and begged us to have a baby, but I got called delusional. 😂

Yes - the first 5 years, you were a step family. Now you’re a blended family.

It’s like “all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.” One is a subset of the other.

But again, YMMV. That’s how the terms are used in my work environment and among people I know.

What's YMMV?

Your mileage may vary

ie your experience may be different

but apparently, still the evil stepmother

On this thread are lots of people reflecting on their past and sharing their experiences of being step children in blended families and all the ways it was difficult for them, how they didn’t feel listened to or accommodated for.

Rather than thinking “gosh how sad, I hope my step daughter doesn’t have these feelings and I’m unaware of them. Something to be mindful of and talk about within my family.” Your response is to feel attacked as an evil stepmother and go on the defensive. Why is that?

If you are having a completely different experience then why not share that? It could help others to hear how you and your partner navigated this in a way that your step daughter feels centred and listened to and is happy as a result.