To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

It's not either or though is it?

There is also an option to not blend families at all.

I'm never usually one to blow my own trumpet, but I have had a positive impact on my family by being in their lives. DH and his ex had a volatile relationship and he suffered physical and mental abuse at her hands. He left when she assaulted him on front of their DD.

My DSD was only 2 at the time so thankfully can't remember it but my DSS17 remembers things. He remembers the arguments, he remembers finding his dad crying on the couch after his mum had trashed the place. Both kids have been 50:50 since the split but DSS has lived with us full time for the last year.

Our house is calm and peaceful. I'd like to think we are doing a good job of demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like. DH and I rarely argue, once of twice a year maybe, and if we ever need to discuss something that has the potential to get heated we go a drive in the car. We are best friends. We are kind to each other and we look after each other. Hopefully the kids see that this is what a relationship should look like and violence and constant arguments are not normal.

My DH is and always has been an amazing dad but I think by having my support he is able to be an even better one. He used to doubt himself a lot, especially during DSS early teenage years, and I've help reassure him that he's doing great and is making the right choices with parenting. We discuss parenting issues together and he bounces ideas off of me etc. When it comes to raising the kids we are a team.

I have a great relationship with my stepkids, especially my DSD who can't really remember me not being there. I think having another female role model in her life is good for her and I know she really looks up to me. I do a lot of the girly stuff that maybe dad wouldn't do like going to nail bars, having pamper parties and she copies me a lot. Her mum has mellowed over the years so hopefully can be a better role model for her now but I always think the more support, love and positive role models a child can have the better.

The kids seem to be thriving but like others have said, it will be interesting to hear their thoughts when they are adults. For now all we can do is continue to do our best and hope that they are happy.

I don't know if we are technically a blended family because I don't have any bio kids so that probably makes things a bit easier.

You're exactly right OP. I don't know why there is such a negative overall view on blended families. I'm guessing because many of these commenters have heard something or experienced something and then have to generalise it to every situation regarding blended families. It's usually the case with MN. I real lack of critical thinking on here.

It's possibly because the happy step parents/kids aren't posting on MN about it. MN gives a skewed view of step families as people are generally only posting when something is going wrong.

I don't think all blended families are bad, but as someone who spent her teen years as a stepdaughter I would never inflict that on my own child. You don't have to be lonely as a single parent, by all means date; but I personally couldn't put my child through what I went through as a teenager. No one would be moving in with me until my child was an adult. I think the risk of a blended family going wrong is far too high for my liking and I'd want to prioritize my child's mental health over anything else.

Most blended families are formed for the benefit of one or two adults. They very rarely have children's wellbeing and happiness as their main basis.

I would have to ask our kids, but AFAIK there are different bits that they appreciate about one household Vs another one.

My DSS just asked if he could live with us one extra day, so that's definitely a good sign

It's a good sign?!

He's so unhappy in his other house that he feels the need to leave? And that's a good sign to you?

We have a genuinely happy blended family. Exh and I agreed from the get go to put the kids first in all situations and dh has a similar agreement with his ex. I get on well with my step kids and our kids get on well together and we have a lot of laughter. The teenagers are not backwards in coming forwards, if they weren't happy there is no way they would lie to spare our feelings, I don't think many teenagers would. I think it feel disproportionate on here because those who are struggling will ask for help, we're happy to I don't tend to post too much on the blended family posts.

They're still teenagers. Most of my ill-feelings developed when I was old enough to understand. Another trigger was having children of my own

I think this is a big part of the problem oP - combined with the fact that the threads are often started by step mums wanting sympathy for how tough it all is on them and how “put upon” they are with these “awful/ difficult/ ungrateful” stepchildren and almost invariably an impossible ex who “ hasn’t got over the fact her DH prefers me” ( essentially). Although thd threads always start with something like “ I adore my stepchildren” it quickly becomes evident that not adoring them is rather more the problem. Can’t blame them up to a point: I couldn’t do it. But that’s why I wouldn’t do it.

I suppose people are quick to see that as a situation that the stepmum had far more autonomy to dodge, and so since it’s often a stepmum starting the thread, the comments are often not hugely sympathetic.

Yes it's a good sign - he knows he has somewhere else to go where he feels safe and heard and can step away from the unhappiness of his other home

You’re saying it’s an either/or situation op - either a blended family OR the parent’s stay single. It doesn’t have to be that way. If you can parent 50/50, so each parent has half of their time free, they can conduct those relationships in that time without disrupting their kids home lives

I’m someone who made the decision not to blend families. I’ve been in a committed relationship but living apart for over 6 years. We have 2 children each, they were between 11-16 when we met, youngest is now 18. Their ages made blending more difficult, we never considered it, moving high school and sharing bedrooms would never have been in their best interests. But it also meant that dating was easier as they grew out of needing babysitters. We have good relationships with each other’s children but we’re not really involved, we’ve never had to parent them, we’re just around in lives, I suppose I consider them the same as my friends children. We occasionally go out for a meal or something with all 4 of them although it’s hard to pin them down!
Just offering up the suggestion that it’s possible to have a happy relationship without blending families.

I believe that there are some happy blended families, but when reading the SP bit it always seems to me that the families are battlegrounds.

Fights/resentment blamed on ex, the DSC, higher than usual expectations placed on the DSC (it often strikes me that SM will complain at having to cook/clean/pick up for ‘someone else’s children’ yet don’t complain that DH never does anything full stop).

Complaints that the DSC are upset at being excluded from the ‘family’ holiday, cos they had a hol with mum (so they cannot have a hol with dad?)

Complaints that mum has dumped DSC on DH for one of his 24per month childfree days.

Resources carefully examined and eeked out…

I don’t know why anyone would choose to live with that level of resentment/sadness/pettiness?

And to add, my ex has never been involved and his children have gradually moved away from having contact with their mum and live with him full time, there’s never been 50/50 for either. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder.

I bounced between my mum and dad’s house as a teenager because I was unhappy. Firstly to my dad’s house because I was so unhappy following my step dad moving in. I didn’t find the attention I was seeking at my dad’s as he was preoccupied with evening classes and dating and shortly afterwards moved his girlfriend and her children in. This woman was not only completely disinterested in me and my sisters needs but appeared to feel threatened by me and my older sister, in terms of competing for me dad’s attention, and the focus was on her children’s interests. so I returned to my mums house, where she had a new baby who I was expected to help care for. My parents separation and moving in / creation of new family units all happened within 2 years.

Working through it in therapy now my therapist is kindly saying she is astounded that at no point during all of this were my parents ever asking me how I felt / Asking me basic questions like “why do you want to move back to your mum/dad?”, checking how I felt, and certainly not making any attempt to adjust their decisions to provide a stable home environment for me. There was no curiosity about the impact of their choices on me.

Reading the thread now, it’s disturbing to see this is apparently common from step parents. With comments like “Step son / step daughter seems happy”. “He’s asked to move in so seems like a good sign”. Lots of assumptions but no indication then parents are actively checking in with how their children really feel.

There’s an elephant in the room here that I mentioned earlier and has not been acknowledged.

For many of the young people I see who are struggling with mental health, aside from abuse which is obviously a different issue, for many it’s not the blended family that’s an issue, it’s that parents relationships ended in the first place. That’s what’s been most impactful, the sense of loss, abandonment, not being wanted or good enough. Of course as adults we see this very differently but the feelings of fear, anxiety and uncertainty stay with some people into adulthood.

Interesting that you’re saying it’s common from step parents. I wonder why you’re focussing on step parents rather than biological parents.

Not that I think step parents get a free pass at all, but I’m wondering why you have focussed on them asking you and not your mum or dad.

She said parents asking.

Direct quote that my post was about. Reading the thread now, it’s disturbing to see this is apparently common from step parents. With comments like “Step son / step daughter seems happy”. “He’s asked to move in so seems like a good sign”

Another direct quote for you "Lots of assumptions but no indication then parents are actively checking in with how their children really feel."

So she's saying parents aren't asking, so how the children feel isn't being fed back to the step parents

Yes thank you. Saved me a reply!

I agree. Similar situation. People rush too quickly into bringing the houses together.

I've been a lone parent 15 years. But been with my partner for 7 years, we still live apart.

We have taken holidays etc together of course and the DC have built a good relationship over that time.

It's only now, his DS is at Uni and mine is going into 6th form next year we are discussing buying a house together.

DC come first.

my sister had an affair, moved out and moved in with the new partner within a few weeks. She'd been having the affair for over a year but their kids had only just realised about it. So overnight mum and dad were separated and they were living with a new man at weekends when they hired hotels/cottages, until they got a place together. Her eldest has been in therapy ever since and my sister just thinks they should be grateful because stepdad is loaded.