To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

My father remarried when I was married with children of my own

I didn't particularly like her (so different to my late mum!) but she was devoted to my dad and good to my kids so we all jogged along

However, I hated her children and their partners and thoroughly disliked her grandchildren

So family get-togethers were tense and I have no fond memories of them

I would rather remain single until I die than subject my children to a stepfather and stepchildren.

The oddest thing is when people get into a relationship with a parent and act as though they've only just discovered parenting exists. "Our weekend revolves around the stepkids! My partner has to buy them new clothes because they've outgrown their old ones! They need swimming lessons! They expect to come on holiday with us! They need a birthday present to take to a friend's party!"

Uh... yes, this is called parenting. Your partner's children didn't magically become his nieces and nephews when he split up with their mother.

I think I know how our children feel better than a stranger on the Internet...and I do also have a well adjusted adult child.

I think you're projecting here, I'm sorry that whatever caused your pain happened but I maintain not all blended families are toxic and I can confidently say our kids are happy.

I appreciate some blended families really won't work. However some biological families don't work do they! I know people who are really messed up because instead of divorcing their parents stayed together and argued.

@kungfullama often the parents are just deluding themselves that everything is ticketyboo and that the kids are all happy.

But it's not one or the other, is it? I've been single for the last 15 years - no choice but to put my children first because my ex sure as hell wasn't going to bother. I have no regrets. They had a safe space in my home and knew they could tell me everything. They never had to deal with a jealous partner on my time, or have someone tell them off for existing or attempt to make them feel less than important. They don't see much of their father now - who is on his 4th live-in partner in that time and this time says he's getting married. No one is holding their breath (they've been here multiple times before) and I suspect at least one of them won't be attending the wedding if it does go ahead 'cos she, and the way she treats our children, is not his idea of 'family'.

It is possible to live a perfectly happy life with your children without blending families. And it is also possible to have non live-in relationships which don't impact on children's sense of security in the same way. It's difficult financially and I have been judged beyond all reason for it but it's the best I could do for my children and I am glad I did it.

It’s quite interesting to me that there is also a ‘do you trust men’ question on the board at the same time as for me these issues are intertwined. I’m a single parent who has quite deliberately NOT pursued a serious relationship post-divorce because I’m trying to maintain stability for the DC.

My ex husband had affairs and left me with a baby and a 4yo for a younger woman he met at work. she was quickly moved in with him and spent time with our very young DC, then it was all over in a couple of years. It was only months before he met someone else, to whom he is now engaged. Tbf she seems lovely and a much better choice and I’m glad they’re happy. She has a child too so they will be a blended family.

I’m not saying my ex doenst have a right to pursue happiness BUT he certainly has caused trauma and huge disruption for our children and I have felt that the best choice for me is to counter-balance that with stability and no pressure for my kids to have to adapt to a new partner for me too. So im still on my own. I hope I eventually meet someone but - surprise surprise - I have the kids the majority of the time and lack time and and energy for dating. If anything I find myself surprised how many blended families there actually are. It’s so hard to date when you’re a resident parent!

I think you've missed the point. Obviously the 'biological family' didn't work out or another relationship wouldn't be on the cards. The question is, how much more do you want to foist on kids who've already lived through their parents breaking up?

Sadly there are an awful lot of very bitter ex-partners who are very bitter.
If their marriage/relationship has broken down, they can't accept that their ex moved on. To meet someone new, and have to share their children makes them even more bitter.

Some responses, you can see quite clearly why their partner left, and found someone nicer. Then the children get used in some warped game, to ensure that the exs' life remains unhappy and controlled by them.

I know an awful lot of blended families that work beautifully. I know some that don't... One thing's for sure, being caught between two hostile parents is even worse for any child.

The only time I have ever seen this claimed on MN is by new partners of men that see their DC once a fortnight/month/year. Usually women that think complete losers and a 'prize' and fall for the 'bitter ex wives' bullshit.

@Chickenspeckandcluckaroud , or in my case , my ex had an affair when dd1 was a baby , then he proceeded to have another child he lavished time and money on ! He stopped seeing dd1 altogether when she was 5 , she’s now 25 !

What about the step children. Are we bitter ex wanted children no longer wanted.

The thing about the 'bitter ex wives' is that I have never ever ever met one.
I'm not saying they don't exist, but they're only talked about on here in third person by their own exes or their new girlfriends. I don't believe for one second that every op which opens with 'the ex is a psycho' or 'the ex is bitter and jealous' is true. Maybe a tiny tiny percentage of them are.

Every ex wife I know, including myself, is skipping down the street with happiness that they're rid.

I also think in 'bitter ex wife' the bitter bit is misunderstood.

The implication is they're bitter because they're jealous that their ex has moved on and he is so marvellous that they desperately want him back.
I can't imagine this would ever be true.

However, they do tend to be sad on their children's behalf that their father doesn't prioritise them.

My parents are still together, 45 years. They are happily married and always had a happy healthy marriage when I was growing up. However, I hated living with 3 brothers. We all fought like cat and dog. Would do horrible things to each other, they trashed my room once and tore down all my posters. I stayed home while my family went on holiday to Canada because I didn't want to spend 2 weeks with my annoying brother's. I used to be jealous of my friends who were only children or who had sisters.

People on MN always advocate for couples splitting up if the stepkids don't get on but I know plenty of bio siblings who don't get on either.

The big difference though @Illpickthatup - is the intention.
In a bio family situation, everyone sets off assuming it's all going to be marvellous. You have your dc with the best of intentions.
In blended families, the dc are already there. So you push forward invariably selfishly with your own relationship despite being well aware that chances are the dc aren't going to be happy.

Absolutely this. I think my ex is genuinely much happier now with the ow and after the initial shock, I also think we're better off apart BUT I resent the hell out of his pathetic contribution to "parenting" now and his appalling inability to hide from our now teen children that they are not his top priority..they're about fifth after himself, his current wife, his stepchild and work. My kids go and he insists they are a "family" but they're not. They tell me they feel like visitors, in the way, that their presence just seems to stress him out. Sad really.

I am in a long term relationship but we don't and won't co habit until my kids are grown. We're very close and we all value that.

I agree with the others that it is the EOW dad and the bitter ex narrative is that is the real issue; then the blended family is really set up on a competitive narrative with the ex wife in which the new partner competes. This is normally because the man involved makes it a competition owing to the divorce; EOW is a reflection on him, which means there is a kind of relational aggression under the surface in the happy new family story.

The child must then fit the story; this is the basic adult need. The woman works overtime to cater to her new husbands needs, The husband has the marriage he always wanted, where everything circles around him, and the children are but players.

Most of us posting are adults talking about our experiences as children.

I hope you’re actually empathetic in real life.

Yes I think it’s the ex and his new partner who normally push the bitter ex wife thing. Normally when you delve in, she is just putting perfectly reasonable lines in the sand around access etc, but it all gets twisted into “ it’s because she’s can’t move on and wants what I have that she won’t just sit in the background and let us do as we wish.”

That’s exactly what I think.

I also agree with the poster who said their Dc feel like “ visitors” at their father’s new home. I am so often struck how that comes across in stepmum posts: the SDC are out of line because they are behaving like real Dc in their own home. This is portrayed as “ demanding” or “ungrateful” because deep down the new partner expects them to behave like visitors in “ her” home.

I have a few friends who say they loathed being brought up in these sort of families.

first the trauma of a relationship break up, and losing a parent, then strangers arriving to live in their home. It affects lives down the line.

Yes, I too know people in similar family set ups. My son, 45 this week, has a couple of friends with 'blended' families that have gone horrendously wrong with the children really suffering.

On the plus side, my husband's cousin, divorced with two children, remarried when her eldest was 13 or 14 and that was a great success, her children adored their stepfather and he cared for them as if they were his own, as well as being very involved and co-parenting his biological children (his ex-wife had a bad press, I don't know the truth of that, who ever really does?).

I also know a woman who married a divorced man with one daughter, had two children of her own and loved her husband's daughter, who now has a child whom she also loves, and is great friends with husband's ex-wife. Therefore it can work but takes very special qualities from the individuals concerned.

I wouldn't do it, I'd be too afraid of letting children down and maybe becoming sick with worry.

There's no need to marry someone with kids or to bring a new partner into your life if you have dependent kids. You can wait until they are off hand.

What strikes me is that everyone feels that they are doing the best for their kids. Whether that’s staying together when things aren’t perfect, splitting up, staying single, remarrying a child free spouse or one with pre-existing kids, having no more kids or having further kids.

Everyone feels that their choices as parents are the correct ones because that’s why they make that choice. I imagine it’s very rare for an involved parent to think ‘Fuckem as long as I’m happy’ even if that’s what a child or ex spouse thinks they’ve done.

Another thing that strikes me is the league table we see here of acceptable reasons to be a single parent or to remarry, or to marry someone with kids.

Ultimately it’s all judgement based on our own experiences. We can’t discount anyone whose experiences differ from ours and it’s not fair to project our own baggage onto other people’s situations.

Of course that’s far easier said than done, but maybe if people just paused before writing / speaking and thought about what is motivating them to say something things might improve.