To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Was she now.

I don't think she wanted to spend half her time in a poorly insulated, mould ridden 1 bed flat any more than we did.

Her Mum lives with her own Mum and the mortgage was paid off about 20 years ago. Otherwise they'd have had to leave the area too.

Well perhaps her dad could have stuck around had he not had more DC to fund? And herein lies the problem. So much compromise and understanding expected of children.

Exactly.
To all the defensive people on here unwilling to listen or reflect on their behaviour - 🖕🏻

She was as much invested in us having a baby as we were, she was an only child for a long time and desperate for siblings. She adores her sister.

I was forced into a blended family and I hated it. I'm divorced and whilst I'm in a relationship I would never blend because i genuinely don't believe most kids find it an enjoyable experience. Kids say what they think parents want to hear. Most kids would prefer not to blend, I think.

If it works for you, great.

I disagree op. The general theme seems to be someone wants to 'blend' a family after 5 minutes of dating and posters say slow down. Thats very different to criticising blended families in general, that's just sensible advice about the pace of things.

The delusion is strong with this one.

Until I came along he was in one bedroom in a house share meaning that SD could never stay over, it was only my salary that enabled us to get a 2 bed flat where she could stay, but then the rents went up and up and our salaries didn't cover it any more, despite taking on extra part time work. Now she spends her holidays in her own room (which she doesn't have at her Mum's) and we have the time and money to go on days out and do fun things. Sometimes she brings a friend. We miss being able to do all the day-to-day stuff, but 15 yos don't want you to walk them to and from school and help them with their homework anyway.

My mum would have said that my life was better with the addition of a step parent and step siblings too, but she was wrong.
Blended families are very rarely in the best interests of children, they can cause a lot of difficulty and heartache and they often exist because parents put their need for a live in relationship ahead of their children’s needs.
I know some blended families are genuinely happy and successful but it is rare. Usually the parents project the idea that everyone is happy because it suits them to believe that, but in reality the children would rather just live with their biological family.

This. My cousins view of their blended family growing up is laughably different to my uncle's rose tinted view.

Really? Have you read this thread?

@Moveoverdarlin of, course it was a profound shock for them and deeply traumatic... I remember when a relative I was close too but much older cousin got married. I was 8 at their wedding and thought when they left foe honeymoon that was it. I wouldn't sew them again. I remember feeling utterly bereft almost like a death.

I bet it causes ptsd.
I have worked with older school who have been pretty much abandoned by the if birth parents and are either in foster care or with grandparents because mum went onto have different children and families and so did dad.

I also remember my terror when my parents who fought like cat and dog nearly spilt up when my dad had an affair. I remember my mum saying imagine that woman in my homeland redecorating and making it hers.
I couldn't bear the thought it was awful. Thankfully they did spilt up but stayed close and no other partners.
.

The day to day stuff is parenting. He's a Disney dad.
You wouldn't move hours away from your own child would you?

Sunshine - would you live 2 hours from your DC?

Now realise her father accepted moving that far from her, to stay with you & his new DC.

She might understand the reasons but you can bet for damn sure she's hurt.

Not if I could help it, but I don't see that choice ever arising. DH and I are pretty solid. Unlike DH's ex, I don't plan to start sleeping with his friend and then throw him out. We made it clear that SD was welcome to move with us, but she made the decision that she'd rather live with her Mum, Stepdad and younger brother and visit us regularly. If at any time she chooses to live with us, she'll be welcomed with open arms.

Yep, the day-to-day stuff is parenting and that's why we stayed in an area that we couldn't afford, miles away from family, until SD started getting busy with friends and homework and extra-curriculars and we were only seeing her EOW anyway, and we realised she didn't need us as much as she used to. We have almost as many overnights now as we did when she came EOW, they are just split up differently.

You kinda just don't get it.

She will understand that stuff yes

But emotionally, there is a hurt there, towards both parents, that they feel it's more tolerable for her to have to learn to live with their separation, their new spouses, their new DC, than for her parents to have tolerated each other in order to put her first

Her Mum got together with her Dad's friend and threw him out, I'm not sure what her Dad could really have done about that. They'd been unhappy for a very long time, so I can kind of see why she did it.

Her Dad has now been with me for the majority of her life and much longer than he was ever with her Mum. She's still with the ex-friend of DH and I doubt she even has clear memories of before DH moved out.

It’s funny, the only “ blended family” I know of is my great grandmother’s and the trauma of it echoed down the generations. Her mother died in childbirth and her father married the mistress shortly afterwards, and a baby arrived within less than 9 months. In total great great grandfather had 6 daughters and the first 3 from first wife disliked their stepmother ( unsurprisingly) and considered themselves a cut above the second set of sisters, the stepmother ensured her daughters had better food, more heating in their rooms etc.

My mother moved my step dad in very quickly after she separated from my dad, I suspect there was an overlap.

I was 10 and I I hated it. She would have said it was fantastic, that he gave us the best life, that we were happy but she focused on him and this relationship a lot.

She was supportive for the big things, but missed a lot of day-to-day detail and I disengaged from her a bit. We get on well now, but I would never go to her with a problem, and haven’t done so as an adult. My younger sister and I are very close, but she is the same with my mother. One of my brothers was devastated when my dad left and struggled with his mental health as a teen (and beyond).

It’s interesting because now that my oldest daughters are at the end of school she is reflecting on how she was with me, and there’s regret. “I remember you coming home with that swimming cup, and of course I’d organised days off work so I could watch you but you told me the wrong day” (I didn’t, she just wasn’t interested) and “I can’t believe we didn’t ever visit you at your uni accommodation but of course it was so expensive to fly back then” etc.

I get on well with my stepdad and I’m pleased they are still together but I wish she hadn’t moved in him when she did. Going through puberty with an unrelated male in the house was awful - it’s hard to articulate why, he was in no way creepy or abusive but I hated it.

If you’d read the thread, most people are sharing their experiences of being a step-child.

Your golden uterus comment says it all really.

You made a comment about the positive attributes of 2 parent homes. A child who stays EOW isn’t really that at ‘home’ when averaging 4 days per month. Maybe your Step-d has a step-father in the home, so she does get a 2 parent home.

My dad had his children (me and my siblings) about the same as your husband has his child I.e. the minimum amounts to appear like an involved father. As we got older, he and his wife would trot out how teenagers do make their choices who they want to live with and spend time with. Funny how teens do mainly want to stay with the stable, main parent (usually the mum, let’s be honest).

edit: grammar

Even though I have reservations about blended families, I'm very uncomfortable with this thread.

I think there's some genuine concerns about blended families and people obviously have their own experiences but there's also a lot of single parent bashing.

It is disingenuous to suggest that single parents are usually going to be able to maintain a meaningful romantic relationship if there is no possibility of them cohabiting for the rest of their children's childhood. This might be possible if they have an involved co-parent or money for a regular babysitter but many single parents don't have either of those. So really people are saying that single parents should accept being alone, possibly with a bit of casual dating, sometimes for up to 20 years. In a society where most people's primary relationship is with their spouse or cohabiting partner that is a huge ask.

My ex grew up with a single mum. They were extremely poor, lived in a damp overcrowded house where his mum slept on the sofa and she worked all the time. His only memory of her from that time is her being stressed about bills or stressed about things in the house breaking. His life improved hugely when his step-father came in the scene because his mum had more time, was happier and they were more financially comfortable. Whilst not all single mothers struggle in that way, it is not at all unusual.

Mumsnet is, in general, so quick to encourage women to leave a bad relationship but the narrative then turns such that these women are "selfish" and "thinking with their genitals" if they ever want another relationship again, unless it is on the basis where they don't introduce their partner to their children, don't have them in the house, don't sacrifice time with their children for the new partner and definitely don't move them in.

Most single parents aren't selfish. They often end up completely deprioritising their own basic needs for their children and working hard to support them.

She was with us more up to the age of about 12. Her parents chose her school before they split up and it was the closest one to her Mum's house, and she then went on to the school that her primary was the feeder school for, and her Mum worked for. We lived about a 15 minute bus journey away (couldn't afford a car with the rents) and she (understandably) no longer wanted to get up early to get on the bus, when her Mum would drive her in since she was going there to work.

Up to that point, it was more or less 50/50, then it tailed off and eventually was EOW and half the holidays.

She does have a stepdad and a brother on her Mum's side and she seems happy there as she is here.

No one said that that the parents should stay single forever. That would be a crazy expectation. What often happens is one parent doesn’t put the children first and steams ahead with a new family dynamic when the children are not emotionally ready. In addition the committed care giving parent is also not ready (mainly due to how their child/children will cope with such upheaval in their life) over 90% of resident parents are mothers so statistically know their children best and what they can cope with, personality types, vulnerabilities, maturity, every last nuance of their personality because the majority of mothers make this knowledge their job to provide the best possible care towards their children. Of course there are a small number of fathers who have this responsibility too who have resident care. These people are best placed to navigate any sort of blended family situation. At the moment, the court systems, society, CMS, political approaches do not put the child at the centre. If they did, the main care giver would be listened to and believed and not victimised just for voicing the best interests of their child. At present, fathers/non resident parents have all the rights of mothers/resident parents with none of the logistical responsibilities or any of the legal or financial responsibilities (just look at the CMS system) until lack of legal responsibility and lack of financial equates to a lack of rights for those who don’t actually care for their children day to day/put their best interests at the centre, then nothing will change. If two parents are working equally to put their child/children first in all senses then a blended family could absolutely work. Sadly, the work is never done beforehand and more often than not it’s the child that suffers.

…don't have them in the house, don't sacrifice time with their children for the new partner and definitely don't move them in

I don’t think anyone who has had a step parent and didn’t like it is saying “don’t have them in the house”, or don’t date.

There’s a world of difference between having your mother go out to visit her partner, or having him hang out every now and then and having him there, all the time, in your home.

My mother would have said we had a brilliant “blended family”, her children feel differently. If DH and I separated, there is no way in hell I’d ever move another man into their home.

But as a proportion of marriages divorce has fallen. If we marry as a generation we are less likely to divorce than our parents.