To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Sorry posted too quick. Wouldn’t say either of us are traumatised but I (raised by single mum, no money) definitely don’t have the confidence of our DC, who have had the lucky break to be raised by a stable household. DH has the trait of being a bit selfish and emotionally detached, the consequence of being one of many in a family of conflict.

I’m sure some are fine, but it must be quite unsettling for some children who end up with step siblings on both sides and who are shunted between homes while their step siblings stay put or are going back and forth to a different home. Or the families that have had a succession different step parents and siblings.

These posts are reminding me of the welfare question that our local hospital and health visiting service routinely ask all parents - has a new man joined your family / moved into your family home? Because that is how concerned they are about blended families....

I don't have trauma from it.

Some blended families work others don't, for many different reasons. I do think some parents rush introducing the new partner because the desperately want to provide a "family " for their child.
I was on the bus the other day when a ( very loud)couple got on and sat behind me, she kept repeating that she was going to treat " Jaydon to a birthday meal out" How he would love to go out for a meal for his 12th birthday and she would spoil him and planned to give him the presents she had bought for him. The bloke got is phone out and put it on loud speaker, a young boy answered, the Dad told the lad he was on his way to see him, the young lad was really excited and pointed out to his dad that he hadn't seen him for a month, he asked if he was bringing Jodie and his dad told him he wasn't with her anymore but he was bringing Annie his new Girlfriend and he would show him photo's of his new brother and sisters, the lad went deathly quiet. The dad went on and on about nice Annie's kids were. I felt so sorry this poor lad and wondered what bloody chaos he lived in.
I wonder how many "brothers and sisters" he has had. Why do grown adults put there children so much hell?

No one ever posts the positives I guess. I had divorced parents. Mom went onto have more children and it was fine. I have 2 children and 2 step children all teenagers, they get on well and I feel this is genuine. My step children are not with us all the time so maybe that helps and my children are with me full time and don't see other parent. They are treated equally when altogether. Of course we probably favour our own children but not in a way that is detrimental to the other. I think we have all benefit.

I've witnessed instances where parents have sworn at their children in public. Does that mean the majority of parents are horrid?

I’m genuinely really glad you don’t. I’m just talking about the people I personally know.

Yes, young people have always been silly and self-absorbed, but words such as "abusive" and "toxic" definitely weren't thrown anywhere near as frequently as they are now when I was in my early twenties.

Why do you care what others think if you think they're talking bollocks?

Just ignore them and move on.

And congratulations on co parenting well with your ex. Many many people find this hard. Go you! 🙌

I work in mental health. It’s very rare for the young adults that I work with to have parents who are still together, the issue doesn’t seem to be the blending of families though. It’s more the disrupted attachments that come from the breakdown in a parent’s relationship.

Obviously for some it will be the trauma from seeing or experiencing abuse, or the dynamics of a blended family but for many it’s the loss associated with losing a primary caregiver at a vulnerable age.

I have lots of direct stepfamily experience from the point of view of the child (in fact, I don't remember any other kind of family set-up so it's the only 'family life' I know).

It was massively damaging. I feel deep sadness reading the posts of the other people who have stepchild experience because I truly understand. For those that disagree with those posters, it might help you/them to understand if they can imagine being a young child, sick in the night, afraid to go and get help from a parent because they sleep with somebody you're afraid of and their bedroom is their private space where you instinctively don't go. That's one of a thousand painful experiences but I think it illustrates how lonely it can be, to be a child in a stepfamily.

That said, I know of two stepfamilies which were largely successful - in both cases, the biological parent loved their child/ren and dominated the stepparent (their partner). It sometimes meant a problem in the adult relationship but the overall family unit was pretty stable and the children (of the biological parent) were safe and content, protected. But it's not a family dynamic I would aspire to.

My parents are nice people who simply didn't have the backbone to stand up for their children. I think it could have worked better if they were more protective. But neither knew they would need to be protective. One of the parents has admitted to being naive about the whole thing.

The thing with adverse childhood experiences is that they simply can't be undone. As you get older, you can strive to understand but you can't undo it.

When I became a pet owner, I was staggered all over again at the pain my parents put me through (although I know they didn't know). I would not subject my pets to living with somebody who didn't want them there. But my parents simply didn't see.

For balance, I will say that I suspect I am better educated than I would be if I had grown up in a single parent home. And I am glad that I'm well-educated. But the price I paid was considerable.

2 families I know come to mind,
lovely boy quiet, athletic clever and thoughtful, new "stepsister" also lovely but much more outgoing. He was utterly miserable.
Second family lovely girl new "stepbrother" older by 1 year was a sexual abuser.
I think the parents don't know how their children really feel or don't want to.

If DH and I split up and I got a new partner who had children, I don't think I would see any appeal in us all moving in together. I could afford to house my DS on my own though...maybe that makes a difference?

I don't have a strong opinion on blended families though. I've never really thought about it.

I do find the attitude towards step parents really sad on here though. The suggestion that as a step parent you don't have any obligation to put yourself out for your step children at all. It actually sticks out as one of the saddest themes on here, I think.

I get this, but if parents split up and later on meet someone else are they not allowed to move on with a relationship because the children want to live with biological parents?

You don’t have to live with your partner. It’s honestly as simple as that.

I've never experienced such vitriolic reactions to blended families as on MN.

OF COURSE a child is better off in a 2 adult home with all the financial and practical benefits that brings, in normal circumstances where the step-parent has a good relationship with the child, than with one parent struggling to makes ends meet and at the end of their tether from the burnout of 24/7 parenting without support.

I know lots of adults who maintain a good relationship with their step-parents and step/half-siblings and aren't full of tales of woe.

I think biological families can be just as damaging and toxic as blended families.
No, you don't have to live with your partner but it's really not as simple as that.

You live with someone; decide to have children, ex partner (whether or male or female) cheats, turns out not to be the person you thought they were and frankly are terrible as a parent so you split! Parent with child(ren) moves on, meets someone but are not allowed to live with them because of the children.

I think you can move on and have a live-in relationship as long as the children's needs are considered and it's talked about

I met my husband 20 years ago, he had two children who were quite young - mother cheated and the relationship broke down. Mother remarried 2 years later and I met DH about 3 or 4 years after that. We were ready to move in together a few years after we met but after speaking with his children we held off for a while as they weren't ready. When they were, I moved in.
We have a DS between us and all 3 have a fantastic relationship, as do I with his two children. We talk daily ( have both grown up and moved onwards and upwards after uni), they ring to tell me stuff they don't want to talk to their dad about and just general day to day stuff. They have a great relationship with their mum, and I get on well with her too.

Indeed people make out like you can’t be in a relationship unless you share a bed every night.

Biological families have their flaws of course, but the blended family is a story written by an adult who wants that outcome. And a lot of the time that person cannot admit that the outcome of living with their partner is the greater thing. Does that risk injecting a certain amount of distance between child and parent? Yes. It’s the outcome that is wanted. The majority of posts here from step children suggest that they knew that. The breathless posts of amazing or fantastic blended families show the narrative must never stop being told either.

Blended families are horrible on the whole. I only know one IRL where everybody is happy…and they blended after the children were adults.

Everyone else ranges from totally fucked up to ambivalence with periods of mild hatred.

Some people have talked about trauma and distress, not “tales of woe”. Let me guess, you were either one of the lucky few who had a lovely step family set up or you have a step family and you’re on the defensive.

Why is one parent 24/7 without support? If there are 2 parents, the child should be supported by both. We know often the man disappears and doesn’t do his fair share but in the OP’s case, her children see both parents and have 2 step families.

In a biological family if there are problems you don’t get one adult trying to demand that so and so should spend more time with mum/dad less time there.

You don’t get well Im having a baby so step cannot visit for their time. My child’s sick so step cannot come. Steps sick so cannot come. No you’re not invited on this family holiday it’s just us who live here full time.

No that’s Jason’s granny you cannot go with her, no sorry your dad doesn’t care but johns going to his dads your staying here. I know you don’t want to spend Christmas there but it’s that parents turn. I know you don’t like step sibling but it’s your job to show them around school and help them settle in.

You just involve them because they don’t have (insert family member their side). I know jenny got a car but her dad purchased that you won’t be getting one.

No I’m not spending my money on them they are not my child. Thats your job.

how dare you punish my child for not doing chores. They don’t have to do them.

No I cannot stop them doing XYZ they might stop coming so yes you have these rules because you live here full time they don’t.

Im sure I’ve missed loads.

I understand why people who have chosen step families for their children feel defensive. What I don’t understand is why they’re so unprepared to listen to so many adults who’ve been through it. We are not saying all step families are terrible and awful. You do need to be open or how on earth will your children ever approach you? What if your child has a problem with your set up? Jumping up and down saying how much better it is to live with 2 adults won’t help them.

This is a really valid point.

The hyperbole of 'vitriolic reactions', sob stories or hatred for step mums comes across as a way of shutting down important lived experiences of many former step children. Toxic positivity as one poster put it.

There are many adults who cannot fathom that their children may be living a very different experience of a blended family than they are.

Its a difficult and uncomfortable truth to comprehend that children may be masking their feelings to please their parent and may be feeling really unhappy underneath.