To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I think it probably very much depends on the adults in the situation.

My husbands ex wife and her second husband are perfectly nice people but three of their four kids from the first marriage no longer speak to them. I know why my DSD doesn’t talk to them but not the others, I suspect similar reasons though which is that they felt neglected and second best to the new kids. Were often used as babysitters etc

I didn’t have kids when I married DH but we went on to have kids. One of the step kids lived with us for a long time, calls me mum, often comments on our relationship in positive terms, the other comments very positively and asked me to walk them down the aisle.

People on here are often vile about blended families and step mums in particular. But I think you just have to take it with a pinch of salt. As with everything, when someone is vile it’s usually about their own issues and not a reflection on the thing they’re projecting them onto.

But most are, when you ask the children once they've grown up.

Of all the many people over 30 I've known who lived in blended families in their childhood, only one said it was better in the blended family than with their bio parents and siblings. ONE. Out of at least 40 families over the years.

Of the many adults I know who chose to blend their families (i.e. had children, moved in a partner and partner's children and/or had additional children with new moved in partners) it's almost the reverse. Most of them say their blended families work well, or have challenges but are OK on the whole.

That is not what the children say, when they're away from their parents. My nieces say they haven't had a real home since their parents split 12 years ago. And they do really like their stepmother. Living with step siblings, not so much.

It's fine to split up. It's fine to have a new partner. But if you move your partner in with your children, never kid yourself you're doing that for anything other than completely selfish reasons. It doesn't benefit your children at all.

There's no way I'll move a new partner into my house until my children were ready to move out. A long term non-resident relationship makes much sense.

I know someone who married young, to someone 5 years younger than her (he was 18 she was 23) and quickly had 2 kids by him. It didn't last.

The two kids now have a half sibling on mums side, 2 half siblings on dads side, and 2 step siblings on dads side. Its very confusing.

Not to mention the mums brother, has 3 kids by 3 women himself. So the whole family is very blended. Too many kids and everyone is all over the place. Kids dont know if they are coming or going.

The eldest boy became a school refuser and suicidal and had to have mental health support. The eldest girl is now nonbinary and also self harms.

Its not good for kids to have so many partners and step/half siblings.

Another woman I know is one of 5 kids to 5 men, so lots of disruption in her life, barely attended school, her mum didn't have enough time for her, her half siblings have been in and out of prison, her current step dad is a convicted drug dealer, multiple nieces and nephews, and now her own DD is a teen mum.

It's incredibly short sighted of people to said well I didn't like having a step parent therefore it's ALWAYS BAD. It's almost like nobody can ever have a different experience.

My stepfather entered my life when I was 6 and is still married to my mother. Unhappily. I am lucky enough to have grown up both from a broken home, with an absent father and yet still in a house where my parental figures constantly fought. He's been a constant figure, a good grandfather, but I grew up aware I lived in someone else's house, always on sufferance, that I had to earn my place there. There's a lack of confidence, of being comfortable in your own skin, of identity I often see in adults who were in blended families as kids, that isn't as common as those who grew up with both parents.
My mother was a terrible stepmother too, still is.
My OH also grew up blended. Lived with a stepfather, step siblings, half siblings. barely saw his actual father who had two more children with his next wife. The one non negotiable for us when we decided to have children was that we would make the marriage work while they were at home, no matter what, if humanly possible. It's been tough, almost impossible at times, but we kept going. That's not a criticism of anyone who makes different decisions but I will always be shaped by my childhood, so will my OH, as much as we work hard to overcome it and I didn't want that legacy for my children.

I’m very happily remarried after divorcing 20 years ago. However, we didn’t get married until our respective children were at university. I looked at the way we both parented and thought no way were we going to set up home together with children-not only the disruption involved, the changing of schools for someone but also I was a ‘stricter’ parent and I could see all the aggravation that would cause (nothing wrong with dh parenting, just different boundaries and style). So we visited, had outings and holidays together but had separate homes where our children could be themselves and have their own space. I’m so glad we did for lots of reasons and the blended families where children are forced together because it makes their parents happy have extra challenges than just living with their parents.

I have no skin in this game but this thread should be ready by anyone considering putting their children in this position.

Why was the original family shit? Some people are widowed you know

Really good point, most people who have gone through it would not inflict it on their own children

'Not going to bother caveating with x y z.'

Imo a family can't be described as blended unless BOTH partners have children from previous relationships i.e. the children biologically belong to two families.
Half siblings don't create a blend because they belong to only one family.
From OP's description her current family isn't actually blended and she's just being a bit smug.

I don't think there can really be a hard and fast rule as there are so many variables – the age of the children, whether there's children on both sides, the circumstances behind the separation of the biological family, and, of course, the behaviour of the adults involved.

My DH died when DD was 2. She's 7 now and she has chosen – with no prompting from us – to see DP as her Dad, and there's no doubt in my mind that he enhances her life hugely. But a) she doesn't have her biological Dad around any more, b) she was very young when DP came into her life and c) when I was dating, I was specifically looking for someone I thought would be good for DD and a good fit for our existing family life, and that was, to be honest, my primary consideration, over and above anything – so I didn't date anyone with their own children, and what sealed the deal for me with DP was that he has adopted siblings AND his mum was adopted by her dad after her biological dad died, so he had experience of the complex dynamics.

It is a tricky path to navigate and there are sacrifices involved for everyone. But as a parent, it's your job to ensure that the benefits outweigh the sacrifices, and be honest about when they don't.

People will speak from their experience. I am older and close to a few older kids or young adults who grew up in blended families, and know colleagues who were raised in a blended family.

IME nearly every one of the kids who came from previous relationships find the whole thing difficult and when they share or look for support and open up about it you hear they have an underlying feeling of never fully belonging or feeling good enough, lowest priority, most notably when there are younger half siblings, and even when they care deeply for their parents, step parent(s)/half siblings. Their feeling are palpable when they talk about them and they say things that they are unlikely to ever share with their parents, obviously not wanting to hurt them.

So from my experience which is all I can talk about, blended families can be damaging to existing children.

I am sure it is not the case for all children in blended families, but it is also very common.

This is a good point. It's awful for children to feel like they don't belong anywhere. I used to feel like a burden and a problem wherever I went.

I have also agreed with my husband once we have children that's it, I absolutely would not repeat my childhood for my own children

But when the majority of adult step children tell you it was shit and that their parent would say it was good it shows still that the majority it was shit and that the parent is blinkered into what they thought their child thought.

In real I don’t know a single step child who feels happy about their childhood. I don’t know a single step child who wants their own child to have a step parent or half/step siblings and there where plently of us step children at school in fact it was more rare not to be in a step family and we all hated it.

But if people want to believe truly that adult step children that hates it are the minority then keep on being blinkered.

People can stay single you know, or keep their relationships separate from their children until they've grown up! It's not simply a choice of biological parents together in a bad relationship vs bringing some random person in.

She said most.

And it’s true, why do you think this thread has gone the way it has and why do you think MN (ie an anonymous forum) tells such a different story to the public ‘ideal’?

Yes blended families can be good but the vast majority are not what the children would choose. I mean come on, would you? Would you choose to live with another adult in your home who you don’t have that close family relationship with? Nobody would expect it of an adult. But more vulnerable children are expected to get used to it. I would think for the majority, even if they like their parents partner, they feel exposed, vulnerable and uncomfortable having an unrelated adult always in their home.

It wouldn't be for me. I'm quite old-fashioned that way, despite being a divorced single mum
I just don't want my girls to one day tell me that I didn't put them first. There would be too many compromises to be made, and not of their choosing.

I was refuting your point that most people here saying blended families aren't great are bitter first wives. It's not what's happening here at all, the vast majority seem to be the children who are telling you their view, but you don't want to hear it.

I don’t know a single adult from a broken/blended family who doesn’t have trauma from it.

It's completely appropriate to be very picky early on in relationships in order to end up with someone you actually want to stay married to when you do commit.

It's in no way new - how old is the saying about kissing a lot of frogs before you find the "prince". I agree the fairytale expectations of romantic, infatuation lasting in the early intensity forever are completely unrealistic, but generally both parties are showing their absolute best side in the first year, and if anything isn't close to perfect then it's absolutely the time to dump, dump, dump!

The first year together should be a wonderful honeymoon phase. The first three or four years are still mostly about being head over heels. The hard work shouldn't begin until later. If it's no fun and full of conflict and you don't make each other happy in the first few years it's the wrong relationship. Obviously in this phase couples need to find out whether they're suited to being life partners, whether they have broadly similar views/ hopes for family life and whether they communicate well. If not it's still appropriate to part ways.

After a year or two, yes, communication should be really well established and compromise possible etc. but ideally no children in the mix until you've lived together a few years and ensured that works well, so it's still possible to part ways pretty easily if necessary.

All that's a million times harder if there are already children in the mix, but could work as long as there's no moving in together too early.

Really though it's a must to be fussy in the first year and be alert for red flags. It's great young people are not promoting being so desperate to be in a relationship they'll put up with something substandard that doesn't make them happy. Relationships need work but that's once they really are relationships, at least a year or two in.

The far less hopeful trend is the tendancy to call a new boyfriend or girlfriend a "partner" a few months in. That's not a partner, it's a brand new early stage relationship and needs to be treated as such.

Yes and the attitude towards step parents were negative enough that you get a ton of folktales with the trope of the evil stepmother.

And where did that 'attitude' come from?? I wonder.

I wouldn’t say DH (blended and then some) or I (broken)

It works for some, not for others. If it’s working for you, no need to worry what random people on the internet think. 🙂

Whats a blended family?