To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Yep, just wait.

But they won't because they want to share bills etc.

I think if there's no kids on one side it's a bloody great help. I had no issue when my dad married my step mum when I was 12. But she didn't come complete with another set of kids. I still get on extremely well with her, we meet up, chat often she cooks me dinner when I visit etc and my dad passed away 6 years ago.

I did still see my mum after my parents divorced. But in reality was closer to my stepmum

Totally, that's fair enough. They might, or they might not, as you say. None of us has a crystal ball. I hope they at least see him as another friendly adult on their side. We do try to work hard towards this.

Yes and the attitude towards step parents were negative enough that you get a ton of folktales with the trope of the evil stepmother.

Like others have said you aren't going to get the posts where everything is going great. MN isn't the place to go if you want balanced experiences.

I met DH when DS was 7, he moved in when DS was 10. We had a child together when DS was 14. Whatever nonsense people spout on these threads, having a 2 parent household has been only a good thing for my now adult son, with all of the benefits that 2 parents bring!

This isn't just MN, actually - it's spreading to younger age groups. It's called "Dump Him" culture. There are TikTok trends about abitrary challenges you should give your boyfriend - e.g. the "orange peel test" (Google it) - to see if he really cares about you. Basically, what's happening is that society is more media-driven than ever before, because we have easy access to so many TV shows, films, books, etc. Women are increasingly expecting real relationships to be as perfect as fictional ones - and when they inevitably fall short, the advice is to dump your partner. (It's the female counterpart of what's happening with men: men are increasingly expecting their girlfriends to look/act like porn stars.)

There's absolutely nothing with being happily single - it's great when it's what you really want! But the problem is, these women aren't dumping their partners because they want to be single - they're dumping them because they think he's getting in the way of meeting a near-flawless man. Completely normal relationships in which couples occasionally argue and take each other for granted are being reframed as "toxic".

First post nails it.

It's a very difficult balance to strike. Ages of kids probably come into it as well. My mum remarried when I was 14 so at that age I definitely didn't want a "new dad". He didn't want me around either to be fair so my view is skewed and I fucked off to live with my boyfriend when I was 17. To me it seems like far more work than it's worth hovering between trying not to overstep boundaries because after all "you're not my mum/dad" and actually gaining that respect.

Just to say sometimes it is a happy family-my parents divorced when I was around 10 (a looong time ago) and I can honestly say I adored my step mother and step siblings.
It was primarily because of my step mother which I sort of knew at the time but in hindsight am so grateful for her.

My devilishly handsome and charming father had several more wives spanning decades but am still in touch with her and love her very much.

So sometimes it can work-for a while at least...

Actually posted up thread about my stepfather and what an asset to my life he was.

I agree with this. However, I did have a friend in school who had a very happy blended family, so it certainly can be done. I loved being at her house, they had a very happy home. Looking back now as an adult myself, I can see all the adults involved were putting in a huge amount of effort and it paid off.

Which is why I said "most" not "all".

Blended families are not inferior but they can even more difficult to navigate than nuclear families because they are more complicated.
They quite often start with the children feeling confused and hurt that one of their parents has moved out of the family home, and more of the same when another adult moves in, and even more if they come with kids of their own who take up what has been the original children's space, time and attention. And vice versa for the children who are moving in, leaving their own family nest.
This is a lot to get over. Some blended families end up happy and successful but it's hard for the children, who have not chosen these big changes at all, and very likely wish their parents were still together and both still living with them.
That is not to say that parents shouldn't go ahead - they may see it as the best option for themselves and their children. But that doesn't make it easy.

Of course it is possible. It's just not what we chose to do.

To be honest, I think we had a hard lot with my first husband passing away, it was a long way from ideal. My husband was also widowed and I have a stepdaughter. So we are blended but in a single household with no custody issues etc. It is 'neater' at least, I guess.

This is how we choose to do things for ourselves and our kids. Maybe we are wrong- but I'm not basing that on what people on mumsnet say. As I said in a previous post, it's not like I can run two parallel lives and say it would definitely have been better to stay living separately. Nobody has a crystal ball. We just try our best. We also have a baby daughter and all our kids dote on her. I refuse to believe it was the wrong thing to do. But perhaps I have my head in the sand, as a previous poster has suggested.

God, this place is depressing sometimes, always attributing bad motives or selfishness to everyone.

Having been part of a blended family as a child, I vowed never to be in one again. We'd been brought up very differently to my DM's (widowed) 2DH older DCs, and they outnumbered us, bullied us and were deeply unpleasant. It was full-time and full-on. There was obvious favouritism towards them from their DF, who 'helpfully' took over DM finances and controlled everything. We were barely tolerated and left as soon as possible, never returned. It completely fractured our relationship with DM, which never fully recovered.
I avoided dating anyone with children, and more than once, after I started seeing someone and found out they had DC, I walked away. If nothing else, it gave DB and me very clear relationship boundaries. Having grown up in a blended family, I vowed never to be part of one again. My siblings and I were raised quite differently from my mother's (widowed) older children's father’s kids. They outnumbered us, bullied us, and were often unpleasant. It was an overwhelming situation with constant conflict. There was evident favouritism from their father, who took control of my mother’s finances and managed everything. We felt barely tolerated and left as soon as possible, never returning. This experience severely fractured our relationship with our mother, which never fully healed.
As a result, I made a conscious effort to avoid dating anyone with children. More than once, when I discovered that someone I was dating had kids, I chose to walk away. This approach helped my DS and me establish clear relationship boundaries. We are both now parents and happily married (decades) to our first and only partners.

As someone who works with children, yet to find one child who is happy with their new stepdad/stepmum/stepsiblings relationship. Not one. Even the ones who say they're happy to their Mum's face. Behind your back, that's not the case.

let's be honest here, if you were putting your children first you would stay single until they've grown up and moved out. But for a whole host of reasons (could be financial, could be merely lonliness/sexual desire) they've put their love life first and the children second.

I'm actually currently wincing watching a woman I know who has moved in a man I happen to know (completely coincidental I might add that they know each other now apparently!) . 4 kids I know all now forced together. They don't know I know each family so I'm hearing both sides moaning about the other. Stupid thing was, the woman had a perfectly nice husband (nice but dull granted) and the man had a lovely wife. Both thought the grass was greener. Might be for them. Dertainly isn't for the kids.Both sets of kids just want their own parents back together but they've both having far too much new sex to even notice!

I'm sorry it didn't work out well in your teens in terms of 'new dad' or rather not 'new dad'. Definitely such a difficult balance, as you say.

Ours were younger, we've been married a few years now and our eldest is still only 13. I think that has maybe made it a little easier. But no, it's not always easy.

Oh come on, young people have always been a bit silly and self-absorbed. At some point they all grow up and realise what love and life are all about.

Especially after having experienced some real challenges.

I’m sure there are happy blended families out there, but the fact that kids don’t complain does not mean they’re happy.

I agree. No doubt some children are happy in a blended family, but some really are not, and their parents don't always want to hear that because it is very painful. Most parents love their children and want them to be happy, so the thought of making them unhappy is excruciating.

I wouldn't class it as blended if only there are only children from one partner. That's just a new relationship to me.

They vary. 20s, teenagers and 6 year olds.

I have step everything. No issues.

My thoughts however, for those who are negative are, dont they realise for 'blended' families to exist, the 'original' family was shit too. Not going to bother caveating with x y z.

Okay then. They seem functional. I can only comment on my experience with them, one being my brother.

A lot of people commenting here are former step CHILDREN who remember how shit their childhoods were and how it impacted them, but please continue to ignore that fact as ever, and pretend children love having random strangers living with them suddenly. That's definitely more convenient for you

This - the potential for unhappiness for the children is high.

Either they are forced to live with a step-parent and / or children they never asked to live with, or feel emotionally obliged to do this having witnessed how said their parent is.