To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

They might not. I’ve got teenagers now and my mum still thinks it great. It’s a secret we shall never tell her.

Problem is you really don't know whether they are the right step parent or not until it's too late. The kids are the ones who pay the price for a wrong decision. So being a martyr it isn't, being cautious and unwilling to compromise your child's security it is.

Blended families are about the wants of the adults not the needs of children. Which is what it is if only the adults would admit it.

This is a very good point. Expecting an adult to keep living with their children's other parent - someone they chose to have a child with - is considered unreasonable. Fine. But by that logic, how is it fair to expect a child to live with an unrelated adult, and possibly his/her children too, just for the sake of their parents' love life? It makes no sense.

And all these people wittering about how brilliant their blended families are.. would they be happy if they were forced into a houseshare with strangers and not allowed to leave for the next decade? Like fuck they would.

Is it martyr-ish to put the wellbeing and security of your children and their stable home environment first over throwing it all into jeopardy so that you can move in a partner and their children and demand that they all get on with it?

If so, I guess that martyrs get bad press because I think it's very kind and reasonable.

if everything was tickety boo in a non blended family set-up they probably wouldn't be posting on MN either.

Blended or non-blended some families have problems.

What exactly do I have my head in the sand about?

Oh wait. You mean I don't agree with your opinion.

You're right, I don't. I don't believe this issue always black and white.

Agreed, and an interesting point

It's very interesting that most of us who were the kids in the blended family situation are saying it's pretty shit, and most of the ones defending it are the adults who have put their kids in that situation. Says it all!

They both had partners but no one living with us. I very much liked my mums boyfriend and would have had no problem with him living with us.

im sure this all comes down to personalities too… some people get on, some people don’t, some people are more easy going and rigid than others.

@Sapphire387

Do you have any experience of living in a blended family as a child?

Absolutely says it all! It's HILARIOUS

This was exactly our set up when I was a kid and I agree. Real dad didn’t want anything to do with us, step dad came on the scene when I was about 4, had no kids himself and never had any with my mum. I always feel lucky mum didn’t meet anyone with their own kids or who wanted their own kids!

@Slothsarecool

You're so ignorant it's too excruciating to argue with you.

Look, if you could just change your opinion entirely so it fits neatly with the idea that all families are exactly the same so that nobody gets hurt feelings, that would be perfect.

It’s not ideal, is it? DH is from a blended family (children from previous marriages on both sides plus new siblings from the new relationship) and there has been a lot of resentments between various siblings re. perceived unfair treatment. I grew up with a single mum, who never moved any boyfriend in. Which I think was probably the right thing to do, the downside is we were as poor as church mice.

I think often it’s rushed and with the ‘other man/woman’ which is a recipe for disaster. Also problematic when the children are being shunted from one house to the next, with often very conflicting parenting styles and old resentments playing out.

The only one I know that’s worked is a single man married my divorced friend. She had one child and they’ve had three more. They all get on well. I think the difference is he’s a laid back and lovely person, who never treated his stepchild any differently. The bio dad was off the scene also, so no conflicts.

People posting on MN about issues within blended families are usually posting because there are serious problems and they want advice on how to deal with them.
I don't think it's hate of blended families in general. It's more to do with the awful scenarios posters find themselves in and that's why the advice is often LTB or quite harsh comments or comments about thinking about the children first.
People don't come on here and post "Hey everyone, my blended family works really well". That's why the response to posts are mainly negative because the OPs are negative.

One of the things that annoys me and many other posters too is when OPs move new partners in too soon and then have their children there for half the week or whatever and next thing, a new baby comes along. It's not good for any of the children involved in this and lo and behold there are issues between the kids or between the new partner and the OP's kids or arguments between the new partner and OP about how to raise children/differences in parenting styles.

100% this!

Adults thinking with their genitalia while trying to convince themselves and everyone else it’s in the bests interest of everyone to move new random unrelated person into house.

I truly believe this too.

I created a blended family because I wanted another relationship, yes. But I also wanted my children to grow up in a home with a father figure (and a relationship model) and I tried to pick a good man (I was widowed first time round). The two are not mutually exclusive.

I don't know for sure that this is best for them. But I also don't know for sure that remaining single would have been best. And had their biological dad lived... not sure he would have been the best either, as he had turned out to have a secret gambling habit.

There's a narrative on here that people start new relationships and do not consider their kids at all. That would obviously be awful but I can't believe most parents don't also consider the needs of their kids. Blended families are presented as this awful, selfish act of the parents. And maybe some parents are like that, and don't consider their kids. But it is possible to choose something for yourself and also consider how your kids may be impacted by that.

The thing is though is the assumption that the kids will see him as a "father figure". They might do, I'm not saying they won't. But I don't see my stepdad as a father figure, he was my mum's husband and that's the extent of it.

100% this.

Sapphire387 Sorry for your loss. But no one is saying you shouldn't have a relationship. Having a relationship and not moving unrelated men into your children's home... that's possible.