To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

Couldn't agree more.

My biological parents were violent to each other and violent and neglectful to me and my siblings. However, the absolute worst, most emotionally damaging thing to happen to me in my childhood was not their abuse or their divorce. It was my mother moving her boyfriend in with us, then marrying him and having another daughter. I loved my little sister, but I wish with all my heart my mother had never started another family, especially while I was starting my teens and forced to live in the house with a new child who was now the complete focus of both of the "parents" in the household. It completely changed my mother's relationship with her existing children as she suddenly and drastically shifted her focus away from us right as we were becoming adults. My mother would say that she still did what she had to for us, and she would say that it was great for us having a father figure and more financially stable household, because that's what she wanted to be true.

It absolutely was not good in any way for me or my full siblings. I have never and would never say this to my mother or, of course, my half sibling, because what would be the point? She was self-absorbed enough to conflate her happiness with that of the "family" and each of the children she had already brought into the world. She would be too self-absorbed to take in this information which would be at odds with the narrative she created about her actions. And her self-absorption meant her children all learned that it was easier to protect her feelings than speak up for our own. That continues until this day.

So, she would and does say that our blended family worked, and it absolutely, positively did not, and she will never know that. Possibly some others who are sure the arrangement that benefited them was also great for their children are in the same position, being protected by children who know their mother is too selfish to hear the truth about their experiences.

Please could someone enlighten me… is a blended family when you mix two parents (who are in a relationship) with each separate children that they had before the relationship.

or is it still blended if say single mum meets man who has no kids & then they have a child together and live with the woman’s pre existing children. Are they both blended families or is it just the first one? And for those saying it’s bad, which is the least bad in your opinion and why?
(just curious)

I had an extremely traumatic time after my parents split and they both moved their new partners into their homes. It was not my parents splitting that did the damage, it was having to adjust to near strangers moving into the homes where I was supposed to feel safe. My brother developed extremely poor mental health as a young adult and he points to this time in our lives to be the place where it started. I am always glad when I read parents on mumsnet talk about their determination to put their children ahead of their need for a partner. My parents were determined to tell anyone who would listen how happy we were with the new arrangements, they were just trying to project what they wanted to be true.

I think the problem comes from those step parents who are happy to move in with their new partners (and their children) but don’t think that they should be expected to ‘feel the same’ or to treat their step kids in the same way as their own kids etc.

fine - if you can genuinely love the children you move in with (or who live with you part of the time), then you are likely to be a great person step parent. If the most you can muster is a vague positive regard, then frankly, get out of their space.

I lived with housemates/partners of friends for most of my twenties. There is nothing worse than living in a house with someone you know doesn’t really like you that much. It’s miserable. And I was an adult, and these weren’t people who were supposed to care about me.

What does having children of your own change, in terms of looking back? Genuine question.

For me it made it even more unbelievable that they could treat their own child so badly. I would never make my children feel uncomfortable in their own home, having to put up with a stranger moving in. Having to share their father with other children.

It puts how spectacularly selfish the decision to blend really is, for most families.

There are of course exceptions.

Are your parents separated? Do you have step-parents?

@Simonjt I'm adopted and I don't think of myself living in a blended family. I see a blended family with stepparents as a very different scenario to be adopted.

I remember a thread from a few years ago, and the OP was wondering what was wrong with her DD who was about 11. Her behaviour and emotions were causing concern and she was very different from when she was younger. Now obviously age might have had some bearing but it also turned out that the OP had divorced the DD's father. The DD also had a younger sister. Both parents then got remarried. The new partners also had children, and then the mum and dad had children with their respective new partners. So the DD had gone from living with her parents with her younger sibling, to living between 2 houses and gaining about 10 siblings. And the OP needed it pointing out on the thread that this might have impacted her DD adversely. In the OP's eyes they were just one big happy blended family, it had really not occurred to her that her DD might not be as happy as the OP was.

With all due respect, I think this sounds like a problem with your mother in general. Anyone who was violent and neglectful to you is not going to be capable of attending to your emotional needs or feelings within a blended family.

I am a stepmother and my children have a stepfather. We might not always get it right but we certainly do not delude ourselves that everything is rosy or perfect and the kids just have to get on with it.

Yup, I had a friend who blended her family. She took on his children and she cared for them deeply. She looked after them as her own and they were incredibly well bonded.

So when he was shagging about a year later and took his children to set up shop with another woman it was traumatic for everyone, bar him. He just rolled on by.

Jesus Christ the ignorance of that poster!

It's never done with the child's best interests at heart though, it's done because the adults want it.

I'm a lone parent and I'll stay single rather than force a step parent on my DS.

Well, firstly I don't think anyone should be moving 'strangers' in. And secondly, plenty of children share their father with other children.

There's a high level of judgement and 'holier than thou' in your post, it's pretty unpleasant.

The problem with blended families is that many of them aren’t blended, they still have huge, indigestible lumps in them.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents

The first rule of MumsNet Club is "You must LTB"

Partner cheated? LTB

Partner left some dirty washing in the sink? LTB

Partner walked past a member of the opposite sex on a busy high street and didn't immediately cross the street screaming "I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP!! I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I LOVE HER!!!"? LTB

Yes my mothers parents where together till death. Ironically once her father died and her mother remarried she hated her mothers new husband even as a 40 year old women. Ironic really since she didn’t have to live with him or share a house with his children or anything.

But we did her husband.

Actually my parents stayed together in an awful relationship until I was 15. I felt I never experienced a proper family unit and just lived in a house with two people who lived completely separate lives.

i was adamant I wouldn’t repeat that with my kids, so when the relationship with their dad broke down I absolute knew they’d be better with us living separately.

Neither of my parents remarried, but I wish they would have done. I would love for my mother (my father passed away) to have a partner and companionship.

Well, firstly I don't think anyone should be moving 'strangers' in. And secondly, plenty of children share their father with other children.

There's a high level of judgement and 'holier than thou' in your post, it's pretty unpleasant.

Ok, moving unrelated adults into their home then.
And sharing their fathers with unrelated children.

Don't be obtuse.

I AM judgmental on this topic. Sorry if you find that unpleasant but you have your head in the sand.

Blended families are all about putting the desires of adults above the needs of children. My parents did it and sought to justify it just like you are doing.

Yes - we judge, and with justification.

and that’s great for you but I think that’s being a bit of a martyr, because there’s absolutely no reason at all why the right step parent wouldn’t bring your children joy, happiness and more stability. Not every blended family story is a bad one.

Yes my mothers parents where together till death. Ironically once her father died and her mother remarried she hated her mothers new husband even as a 40 year old women. Ironic really since she didn’t have to live with him or share a house with his children or anything.

But we did her husband.

Pisses me offff

@Slothsarecool

Did you have step parents and step siblings?

My birth family was grim.

Well, your kids will be able to tell you in 20 years time whether it was a positive blended family or not.

I don't want a relationship to be honest so it's not being a martyr. Most men are shit anyway, I don't want another burden at home!