Work Issue - Should I make a formal complaint?

[SkylarkKitten]

Bit of background. I was in an emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive relationship for years, and finally ended it after he assaulted me, causing me to fracture my spine. I had counselling for trauma and managed to break the cycle and subsequently met an extremely loving partner.

Roll forwards. I've been at my company for 20 years. Never had any issues whatsoever. This week, I had a Teams call with a colleague. She was extremely agitated and started the conversation with, 'Let me FINISH. I'm speaking' So I kept quiet and listened. After she'd finished, I started my explanation and was barely 3 sentences in when she said 'You're being very aggressive. You're being very accusatory. I don't like your tone of voice and I'm ending this now! and she disconnected the meeting.

I immediately called HR and explained what happened. HR had already been included in the emails relating to the original issue. HR was very understanding and lovely.

However, each time I've received an email from this woman since then, my anxiety has spiked. She stated in her email that I was unprofessional in the Teams call. I chose to ignore all personal remarks and have only answered her relating to the work issue, again with HR copied in.

The trouble is, I'm now suffering from PTSD flashbacks. Being told I'm abusive, a bully, aggressive, at fault...these are all things that were shouted at me, without my being able to answer back. As it wouldn't be professional to answer my colleague back either, I am experiencing similar trauma of being trapped without a voice.

My question is, AIBU to make a formal complaint especially as this would be my word against hers? The tone of emails is bad but probably not enough to prove her manner over Teams. She has been working with us since June and I'm not the only one she's done this with

The reason I'm hesitating is, am I blowing things out of proportion due to my own trauma? I'm sure lots of people have misunderstandings. Or am I making excuses for her unprofessional behaviour towards me, and once again shifting this blame onto myself?

What would you do?

(Please try and be kind because I'm not in a good place atm)

Yes put a grievance in

Put a grievance in. You have have good grounds to do so and should get in with yours before she does. Is your line manager supporting you?

I would make a formal complaint. Use the emails and any other evidence that yourself and others have against the bitch

Do you know if the Teams meeting was recorded?

Ask for all teams calls with her to be recorded

Ask for someone independent to take a look / mediate between the two of you.

I would take some time off sick, contact your union rep for support if you have one and raise a complaint using the appropriate company policy. You may be able to resolve this with mediation but if not then raise a formal grievance. You should not have to tolerate this at work.

I spoke to HR immediately, and WhatsApp'd my line manager about it when he'd messaged about something else. He confirmed other people have refused to work with her and he's already had to have words with her

Both HR and my line manager were/are supportive

raise a grievance- that is a big accusation she has made and it needs to be dealt with. From this point on all calls are either recorded or you have a third person included. This has to be nipped in the bud before it escalates.

I have taken today as Off Sick, explained it's due to PTSD episodes and said if I'm OK to work later today, I will not be answering emails or Teams calls

How is your line manager? Could you have an informal chat with them first and get an ‘external’ view. The reason I suggest this is simply because you know you are triggered at the moment and going to HR might make you even more stressed. I speak as someone who has had a similar situation this year and I’ve had to do what I needed to keep going, rather than what others might consider the ‘right’ thing to do. For me, that was being very honest with my extremely supportive manager who helped me set boundaries and behaviours with the challenging person.

PTSD is an absolute shitshow and I’m sorry you are struggling with it right now.

No it isn't @Stressedpatches .
Put a grievance in and ask for mediation. She doesn't know your background and you don't know her's, so whilst we are a assuming she's a drama queen, she could well be struggling with her own issues, and might have found the meeting just as triggering.

…not great behaviour from your line manager there, he should not be discussing other staff members with you like that.

One thing you need to remember about a grievance (and I say this as someone who investigates these things), it’s a two way process. There will look at both of your behaviours, investigated both sides, and make a judgement - it may not be the judgment you are expecting or looking for.

Start with “what is the outcome you want” ? from reading what you have put, even if you are 100% accurate, it’s not a sackable offence.. so they won’t be leaving the organisation.

What is the outcome you want ?

Have you ever had your spine fractured by a partner?

I've suffered flashbacks, I've been unable to sleep as I keep going back to the way I was trapped with my Ex, I'm crying constantly even though my logical brain is telling me to let it go. I'm reliving a different incident over and over again, triggered by this event.

Unless you've suffered trauma of abuse yourself, you cannot understand the impact it can have on a person's brain. Despite the counselling, it's embedded and extremely hard to deal with when triggered

PTSD is what my professional counsellor termed it as. I don't use the term lightly.

That's why I'm asking if I should report it. Is this being blown out of proportion by me, or if someone acted that way towards you - without trauma - would you make a complaint or let it go?

The reason I'm hesitating is, am I blowing things out of proportion due to my own trauma?

Yes, I think you are. I mean, she doesn’t sound like a nice woman at all, and I’m not saying that you definitely shouldn’t make a complaint- if it were me, I would confront her first though (in a professional manner of course) before making a complaint.

Surely PTSD is referring to the flashbacks to previous trauma that the OP is now having, the trigger being the work colleague’s behaviour?

I think you should put a formal complaint in against this person. As you've been told you are not the only one she has done this too. Is she a senior to you?

Before you put in a grievance, you need to decide what you want to achieve by doing so - what do you want the outcome of the grievance to be? Be honest with yourself about that and ask yourself if it’s realistic, and how you will feel if you don’t get that. I’m not discouraging you, sounds like grievance territory, but I’d definitely think about those points first.

Do you have to work with her?

Can you speak to your boss about not having any more contact going forward? Or offloading the contact with her to your boss due to her behaviour which they have admitted they know about.

You should make an official complaint.

Especially because this woman it seems has done this in the past and already had to be spoken to by management. Really it is their job to make sure she stops doing this or is managed out if she continues to be a problem...

'@Stressedpatches · Today 08:03
You need to protect yourself.
I think calling it PTSD is a bit much though…'

Of course the OP can call this PTSD. She has suffered a dreadful physical assault in the past which likely came with sustained verbal abuse and undermining before that. So someone randomly being aggressive is bringing back these memories and triggering the OP. That's PTSD.

@Errors

''Yes, I think you are. I mean, she doesn’t sound like a nice woman at all, and I’m not saying that you definitely shouldn’t make a complaint- if it were me, I would confront her first though (in a professional manner of course) before making a complaint.''

Nope. It is not the OP's job to confront this woman, especially because she has already been spoken to about her behaviour. The OP needs to complain and let management/HR handle it. They need to be aware that this employee is continue to cause issues.

I can answer you personally and honestly OP. Would I personally formally raise that one incident, working in a big company? No, I probably wouldn’t. But I work in an environment where I’ve had to learn to develop a thick skin over many years, and I’ve had several attempts to “bully” me by various people, which I’ve shut down very quickly.

I’ve also had years of therapy for CPTSD. My defensive reaction is to return by shutting the aggressor down - your reaction is to shut down in fear. That’s okay and not your fault.

Your employer has a duty of care which means taking you as they find you, PTSD and all. It could be a legal disability, and there’s a known difficult employee aggravating that. So asking them to take steps to stop it is completely acceptable.

Have you read OP's previous messages? Flashbacks can be caused by triggers, and she's clearly come up against one with this woman's actions.

I'd make a complaint. If you let it slide, she'll just do it more and more.

Do NOT confront her even professionally as she will accuse you of bullying.
Report her to HR and make it official.
Any team meetings ask for them to be recorded.