Work Issue - Should I make a formal complaint?

[SkylarkKitten]

Bit of background. I was in an emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive relationship for years, and finally ended it after he assaulted me, causing me to fracture my spine. I had counselling for trauma and managed to break the cycle and subsequently met an extremely loving partner.

Roll forwards. I've been at my company for 20 years. Never had any issues whatsoever. This week, I had a Teams call with a colleague. She was extremely agitated and started the conversation with, 'Let me FINISH. I'm speaking' So I kept quiet and listened. After she'd finished, I started my explanation and was barely 3 sentences in when she said 'You're being very aggressive. You're being very accusatory. I don't like your tone of voice and I'm ending this now! and she disconnected the meeting.

I immediately called HR and explained what happened. HR had already been included in the emails relating to the original issue. HR was very understanding and lovely.

However, each time I've received an email from this woman since then, my anxiety has spiked. She stated in her email that I was unprofessional in the Teams call. I chose to ignore all personal remarks and have only answered her relating to the work issue, again with HR copied in.

The trouble is, I'm now suffering from PTSD flashbacks. Being told I'm abusive, a bully, aggressive, at fault...these are all things that were shouted at me, without my being able to answer back. As it wouldn't be professional to answer my colleague back either, I am experiencing similar trauma of being trapped without a voice.

My question is, AIBU to make a formal complaint especially as this would be my word against hers? The tone of emails is bad but probably not enough to prove her manner over Teams. She has been working with us since June and I'm not the only one she's done this with

The reason I'm hesitating is, am I blowing things out of proportion due to my own trauma? I'm sure lots of people have misunderstandings. Or am I making excuses for her unprofessional behaviour towards me, and once again shifting this blame onto myself?

What would you do?

(Please try and be kind because I'm not in a good place atm)

Huh, what’s the issue?

Please don't feel like that xx
I honestly didn't take offence - tbh my own family didn't understand PTSD as they believed it was something only soldiers experienced

Huge hugs - you're not a twit xx

@SkylarkKitten Yes regardless of this issue it’s important to ask for help if you are having flashbacks that get in the way of life, i’m there myself and in the process after referral.

That's why I'm asking if I should report it. Is this being blown out of proportion by me, or if someone acted that way towards you - without trauma - would you make a complaint or let it go?
I'm so sorry to hear you have had to take a day off OP for this reason. I haven't suffered any major trauma in my life and i certainly would not tolerate this unprofessional and downright rude person. I would definitely put a complaint into HR. It seems you are not the only person and before too long, hopefully, they will be shown the door. Is this person new, do you have a probation period policy at your workplace? If so, I doubt she will make it. Good luck and, WWIW, I use rescue remedy at work when I am starting to feel a bit anxious (peri-menopausal!), calms me down (but obviously no remedy for PTSD).

Also worth pointing out that HR are not the organisational police. Coping us into emails won’t achieve anything.

You are not blowing it out of proportion to consider raising a complaint against her. She has acted in an unprofessional and unpleasant way and you have every right to complain formally. I also agree that if you do need to talk to her on teams you should record those calls.

Your PTSD is reacting disproportionately and causing you to be ill in a way that someone without PTSD would not be. But just because your reaction is (understandably) disproportionate, that doesn’t mean that her actions are ok, they’re not.

Good luck OP. She sounds like a nightmare, possibly just a hothead but it could be more sinister as it sounds like she was performing for an audience (colleagues sitting near her?)
Definitely don’t have another call unless it is recorded or you have another person on.
You did the right thing contacting HR and you can now (try to) relax.

It was an HR issue that was being addressed - that's why HR were copied in originally, so they'd be aware of the situation

Just to clarify, they were subsequently copied in for both information, and so they knew the tone of my emails, in case I was inadvertently aggressive or demeaning in any way. My emails were factual and I did not comment on the Teams meeting at all because I felt it would simply poke the bear

I said I my company. In my company, as long as you get the permission of those taking part then we can record everything. But we can't share externally. And Teams tells you by continuing you are giving agreement.

Very hard to answer without seeing the tone of the emails. Your 20 years experience should count but I would approach this cautiously. if the emails are clearly out of line, yes raise it now. If they are just sharp and you have no other evidence, she may well be given the benefit of the doubt. If you can have someone independent read them, do.

If it were me I would keep all email communications, continually responding only about work issues in a calm manner. I would record any and all future teams calls with her so if she behaves that way again there is evidence.

Who is your line manager and are they good? Rather than make it a HR issue, say you are struggling with their communication style and ask for advice on how to handle it. In my company words would be had which can be effective

It's great to have this external validation OP but you should trust your internal sense, you've come through so much and been responsible and resilient about working on yourself and your choices, your sense here is she's wronged you, other people's thoughts support this but do this for yourself and the strong person with a voice you've become. It doesn't matter if the grievance is upheld or proven or whatever, what matters here is your self worth and your instincts to defend yourself and speak out, it's still a journey and takes time to have confidence with our new skills as we heal from trauma and discover our strengths but yours is bursting to get out here I think, you CAN do this and you DO deserve to call her out and NOT accept her poor treatment

Unless there’s a complaint being investigated, HR can’t do anything with those emails. And it wouldn’t be them deciding what was reasonable and what wasn’t.

Thank you so much - your supportive words really resonate and I think you're right. My gut instinct tells me, regardless of my background, her behaviour was wrong.

I understand she got news she wasn't happy with, but I feel she was shooting the messenger. I don't know her background triggers but her reaction clashed with mine in a way that has caused me (unwitting) harm

I'll take today and the weekend to reset myself and think through my own reactions. All I need to keep reiterating to myself is that I am safe. I am not an aggressor. I am not mental! I am not always wrong, which is all, sadly how I've been triggered to feel about myself (no fault of hers, as she wasn't to know)

I guess I'm feeling like I'll never be free of my Ex's clutches if I'm reacting like this over an unintentional attack

But I also shouldn't be justifying her behaviour by blaming my own reaction either

Anyway, reset day and onwards and upwards!

All the best

Put a formal complaint in about the person's behaviour.

But if you do have to have any further Teams calls with her, have you phone next to you and record the conversation too.

Going against the flow here, but I wouldn't put a grievance against your coworker. If you think the main cause of your reaction/feelings is PTSD, then I think it is a "you" issue.

I am in no way saying that what she is doing is right and shouldn't be addressed. And I would absolutely recommend that you speak to HR, but I would place it as "I need support with that situation because of X affecting me".
Ideally they would then join the calls with the colleague as mediation, and it will resolve your problem by either putting a stop to her behaviours, or she will continue in front of them and they will be able to judge whether she is unreasonable or not.

Yes! HR teams around the country are literally spinning in their chairs waiting for tasks like this. Not only do we have no actual HR work to do, but we live overstepping all boundaries like this. 👏

[/sarcasm]

We don’t join operational meetings as referees. Managers are paid to manage. If anyone needs to sit in, it should be them. Mediation is a specific thing.

We are not the organisational police, nor are we judges.

I understand that you are upset, and possibly not able to see things rationally, but why would anyone start a conversation with, 'Let me FINISH. I'm speaking'?

I'm not picking holes - just suggesting that if your complaint is as factual and without nuance as it can be, you're likely to get further with it.

I'm not sure why my polite message deserved such a degree sarcasm, it was only a suggestion. I am sorry you are having a bad day.
But I agree, we have had shit HR teams before too. Critical and useless.

Luckily we now have great HR support that will indeed join meetings for mediation if they think there is a need. They don't do it all the time, but for someone with additional needs due to a health condition they probably would.

Since OP mentioned HR has been helpful and supportive so far, I was hoping she could have similar support.

And as OP herself pointed out to you, this was not an operational meeting. It was HR related.

I started by saying 'Hello... So let me open the email and explain the time line to you....'

That's when she said 'Let me talk. Let me finish.'

I haven't really left anything out in my explanation except my opening hello

As you may be able to tell from my posts, my default response is to blame myself and feel like I'm wrong. In this instance my logical brain is telling me there was nothing I did or said that triggered her response and neither did I have the opportunity to say anything aggressive or accusatory because I was only allowed 3 sentences before she ended the call

Without being there it's difficult to say if your actions could have been aggressive. So I'd say to your manager look things are a bit heated so you want a 3rd person on the calls or you want permission to record it.

Absolutely do complain. A women at my work bullied me so badly it was giving me PTSD flashbacks of being horribly abused by an ex. I was too scared to say anything as I thought she gets me sacked. Finally she was disciplined after the HR lady overheard her screaming at me again for no reason. Please don't delay. Complain now and they will almost certainly have to keep her away from you at the very least.

She may have issues but that isn't an excuse for upsetting everyone which she sounds like she is doing.

Accusing people and hanging up on them is not professional.

Can you record the calls and then you have evidence of each of your tones. When a grievance is put in HR then can make their own minds up.

I'd suggest colleagues do this too.

Obviously you need her permission but sell it as you want to record it so you can work on your communication with her as it obviously bothers her.

But no - I don't think you're doing anything wrong. And I'm so sorry this is bringing back memories - she's the one who sounds like a bully.

Then, yes, make an official complaint.
Best of luck, she sounds like a godawful nightmare.