Work Issue - Should I make a formal complaint?

[SkylarkKitten]

Bit of background. I was in an emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive relationship for years, and finally ended it after he assaulted me, causing me to fracture my spine. I had counselling for trauma and managed to break the cycle and subsequently met an extremely loving partner.

Roll forwards. I've been at my company for 20 years. Never had any issues whatsoever. This week, I had a Teams call with a colleague. She was extremely agitated and started the conversation with, 'Let me FINISH. I'm speaking' So I kept quiet and listened. After she'd finished, I started my explanation and was barely 3 sentences in when she said 'You're being very aggressive. You're being very accusatory. I don't like your tone of voice and I'm ending this now! and she disconnected the meeting.

I immediately called HR and explained what happened. HR had already been included in the emails relating to the original issue. HR was very understanding and lovely.

However, each time I've received an email from this woman since then, my anxiety has spiked. She stated in her email that I was unprofessional in the Teams call. I chose to ignore all personal remarks and have only answered her relating to the work issue, again with HR copied in.

The trouble is, I'm now suffering from PTSD flashbacks. Being told I'm abusive, a bully, aggressive, at fault...these are all things that were shouted at me, without my being able to answer back. As it wouldn't be professional to answer my colleague back either, I am experiencing similar trauma of being trapped without a voice.

My question is, AIBU to make a formal complaint especially as this would be my word against hers? The tone of emails is bad but probably not enough to prove her manner over Teams. She has been working with us since June and I'm not the only one she's done this with

The reason I'm hesitating is, am I blowing things out of proportion due to my own trauma? I'm sure lots of people have misunderstandings. Or am I making excuses for her unprofessional behaviour towards me, and once again shifting this blame onto myself?

What would you do?

(Please try and be kind because I'm not in a good place atm)

I think you're definitely right to seek support op. It's no good wondering about how a person without ptsd would feel in your shoes because you're a person with ptsd and you're not weak or silly for having a different reaction than someone without ptsd would have. I suspect your ptsd would qualify you as disabled under the relevant workplace legislation so i would ask to be referred to occupational health.

I would also really, strongly encourage you to seek some trauma based therapy such as EMDR. I had ptsd and it was like walking around with my nerves exposed and people might trigger me at any moment - it was hell on earth living with ptsd. EMDR has made it manageable - I'll never be completely cured, but they are just thoughts and memories now instead of all encompassing flashbacks where i was back in the moment. It's hard to do emdr but it's harder still to live with ptsd.

I have never heard of EMDR but I will certainly look it up to see a counsellor to support that kind of therapy/treatment. I'm sorry that you've been through it too, and glad to hear that you're at the other end of the tunnel xx

My day off has calmed me.

I believe the best solution for me is to formally request that I do not have further encounters with her, with or without anyone mediating.

Being accused of aggression is not something I take lightly, given my past experience. Some people may be able to ignore her, make excuses for her, reason with her, or accept her. I can do none of those things.

I cannot put myself in a situation with someone who's default is combative. It might be the way she is. It's just not the kind of person I wish to be dealing with and in any other situation I'd remove myself from such person.

I have a Duty of Care towards myself that comes above any employment requirements. I am pretty certain, given that my employers supported me through the worst of days, that they will accept this request, and see it as a last resort from me.

20 years of experience, dealing with all kinds of people without ever having issues v 1 employee, there for 4 months, who has already alienated herself from at least 3 other members of staff

I don't think I'll have any issues with my request, and even if they do, they'll have to respect it because I'm not changing my mind.

Love and thanks to everyone's replies. You've all been amazingly helpful and supportive ❤️

@SkylarkKitten in a situation like this, consider the wise words of Maya Angelou and apply them to this bullying colleague. She was playing a power game with you and silencing your voice:

People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
but people will never forget how you made them feel

Are you still seeing the counsellor? I would concentrate on myself first and get the anxiety and PTSD symptoms under control. Even if you make a complaint that won't help your symptoms. It might make them even worse.

My CBT course ended in June this year, and I've been doing amazingly well coping with my spinal disability.

I'm in a loving relationship, and I've removed myself from toxic people, I've not experienced flashbacks, so I believed everything was under control.

The trigger with this lady was her instant domineering stance, cutting me off and most of all, calling me aggressive when I'd barely said anything. Logic told me there was no point in responding, because the situation would be blown out of control and then I'd be just as much to blame.

However, this logical action silenced my inner voice that told me it wasn't true. Someone was stating incorrect actions about me and I couldn't defend myself.

It's a rare situation to be in, and one I'd not usually put myself in. The ability to walk away and be safe is what I've been counselled to do. My request to avoid her is simply following the advice that I've been given so this doesn't occur again

This is such a healthy approach. Take responsibility for your parts and deal with them but hand her parts right back to her because they don't belong to you and are not yours to accept. Trauma healing is a journey OP, remember just as we learned behaviours and patterns in response to abuse and ill treatment we can also unlearn them and learn healthy behaviours in response to nurture, care, reflection and respect and you don't need anyone else to give you those, you can give them to yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about your past trauma and that you now have this awful colleague. I’ve had some bosses and colleagues from hell over the years myself.
It sounds to me as though, PTSD or no PTSD, you were perfectly justified in being very distressed by her behaviour and she behaved unprofessionally and was totally out of order.
If you have been told that several other people have already refused to work with her it wouldn’t be surprising if she failed her probation if she’s still on that or got dismissed under the two year rule.
However it is good that HR and your manager seem supportive and definitely start the griveance procedure

PS - If you need to discuss this further with HR or your line manager you could start by pointing out that the colleague’s terminating the call meant that the issue you were supposed to be discussing did not get dealt with therefore she is impeding progress and effectiveness.

Edited for typos!