Work Issue - Should I make a formal complaint?

[SkylarkKitten]

Bit of background. I was in an emotionally (occasionally physically) abusive relationship for years, and finally ended it after he assaulted me, causing me to fracture my spine. I had counselling for trauma and managed to break the cycle and subsequently met an extremely loving partner.

Roll forwards. I've been at my company for 20 years. Never had any issues whatsoever. This week, I had a Teams call with a colleague. She was extremely agitated and started the conversation with, 'Let me FINISH. I'm speaking' So I kept quiet and listened. After she'd finished, I started my explanation and was barely 3 sentences in when she said 'You're being very aggressive. You're being very accusatory. I don't like your tone of voice and I'm ending this now! and she disconnected the meeting.

I immediately called HR and explained what happened. HR had already been included in the emails relating to the original issue. HR was very understanding and lovely.

However, each time I've received an email from this woman since then, my anxiety has spiked. She stated in her email that I was unprofessional in the Teams call. I chose to ignore all personal remarks and have only answered her relating to the work issue, again with HR copied in.

The trouble is, I'm now suffering from PTSD flashbacks. Being told I'm abusive, a bully, aggressive, at fault...these are all things that were shouted at me, without my being able to answer back. As it wouldn't be professional to answer my colleague back either, I am experiencing similar trauma of being trapped without a voice.

My question is, AIBU to make a formal complaint especially as this would be my word against hers? The tone of emails is bad but probably not enough to prove her manner over Teams. She has been working with us since June and I'm not the only one she's done this with

The reason I'm hesitating is, am I blowing things out of proportion due to my own trauma? I'm sure lots of people have misunderstandings. Or am I making excuses for her unprofessional behaviour towards me, and once again shifting this blame onto myself?

What would you do?

(Please try and be kind because I'm not in a good place atm)

Your history sounds awful and I am sorry to hear this.

If you put in a grievance my question would be what would you like the outcome to be? HR may also ask you to work it out with your manager or go to mediation.

They won’t fire someone for this behaviour and unfortunately she may feel the same about you and then you are in a long winded stressful grievance process which almost always comes to nothing.

Speak to your manager and ask for advise on how to handle in future. They then know the issue and can support you going forward. HR can’t do anything really but listen and they will
always make her manager speak to her. Good luck.

She is still within her first year, so I'm surprised she hasn't been removed already. Meet with HR and Line Manager to explain you are unable to work with her any longer due to her aggressive attitude on calls, so can they please handle reassignments.be led by them as to how they would like any grievance to be raised, I would expect HR to have a clear view (because they will use it to exit her). You do not need to make excuses for her as being in any way related to your own trauma, only that you find her to be aggressive so for your own mental health you are unable to work with her.

can you get your company to record all future teams calls? (be careful with Data Protection rules)

And can you arrange it so that you are never in a 1on1 situation with her again?
Is your diagnosis of PTSD covered under any employment law that obliges your company to make reasonable adjustments and would you be comfortable asking anyway, even if that is not the case.

Good luck.

HR professional that has overseen thousands of grievances here.

They hardly ever find 100% in favour of the complainant, and they absolutely destroy relationships. Think carefully whether this is the best way to deal with this.

Your manager should be able to escalate this with her, and have a very frank conversation about acceptable behaviours and the consequences if she doesn’t sort herself (ie disciplinary action).

Mediation may sort out your future relationship with her, but unless someone tackles the root cause, this is just going to keep happening.

You asked if you have blown things out of proportion due to your own trauma.
That would be a resounding yes from me. Sorry OP, but you did ask and that is my honest opinion.

I would refuse to work with her like the other people have. If that is not possible I would record all teams calls. Hopefully she is on a probation period and won't be with you to much longer.

TBH, and providing you are at equal levels I would ask HR to facilitate a mediation meeting between you both. You want the work situation to improve and be able to work with her without her accusing you of been aggressive etc. Sometimes it's better to say 'this is how your making me feel and I'm finding it difficult to work with you, I'd like to find a way forward'

Oh sorry I missed that! Sorry OP! Gosh I’m such an idiot sometimes. X

We are having a similar problem at our work and the person bullying another person had them sacked for raising a vexatious grievance (I’m not sure if I spelt that right!)

They have remained in their job with a horrible attitude and it has been really difficult to quantify their bullying / tone as it’s usually verbal.

So definitely make sure you have it all backed up and lots of evidence.

Please make a formal complaint. I have a similar issue at work, but no one will step forward with a formal complaint which really ties my hands as a manager. Your colleagues will be grateful for your bravery, as you won't be the only one getting this treatment.

Tbh even without your trauma this is not acceptable. It would cause me anxiety as well, so I would definitely report it. Sounds like you’re not the only one and she needs to be managed properly as she can’t go around treating others that way.

Take the time off to recuperate.

Report everything to HR.

I would also state at the start of all Teams calls that you will be recording every meeting with her. Matter of fact. There are no work meetings that cannot be recorded in my company except those with HR.

This is sound advice.

I think you should formalise it due to the harm that's been impacted on you but be clear about the strategy and what you want the outcome to be.

Ask for a referral to OH, 2 pronged approach.

Their behaviour isn't ok, you have long term PTSD.

GP appointment and ask for a referral.

Along with discussing the issues at work, please seek more therapy for PTSD. To stop the flashbacks the memory needs to be 'reprocessed' which isn't always done in counselling. Trauma focussed CBT or EMDR are the most effective therapies for this, both available in your local Talking Therapies service if you are in England or Wales.
Until the memory is reprocessed properly, there is always the risk of flashbacks reoccurring in 'matching trigger' situations, which is what sounds like has happened.
Sorry you are dealing with this.

I’ve requested my post was withdrawn because I felt like such a twit! Again, sorry @SkylarkKitten for not reading things properly x

I mean if HR are having to copied in to emails between you I would be raising a formal grievance too. What are HR doing apart from monitoring the emails anyway? What a strange situation to be in I hope it resolves itself soon

How do you usually deal with your PTSD? Are you on meds?

WhatsApp'd my line manager about it when he'd messaged about something else. He confirmed other people have refused to work with her and he's already had to have words with her

Your manager was giving you a hint that other people in your organisation find her behaviour so unacceptable they cannot work with her, so you need to refuse to work with her as well.

If you go to OH and then put in a grievance state clearly that you think the best thing is you don't work with her. Make it very clear that you had no issues before with any of your colleagues.

Huh?

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.
The impact on you is huge.
I think you contact your manager and HR and ask them what they are going to do to protect you from her abusive behaviour and her false accusations.
In your place I would refuse to have any contact with her unless a 3rd party are there and everything is recorded.
You are entitled to a safe working environment and she makes you feel unsafe.

Contact ACAS today for advice.

This was unprofessional of your manager

@SkylarkKitten so sorry you've been subjected to such appalling treatment by this dreadful colleague. My heart goes out to you, especially as it triggered your past abuse.

there has been many a time I've been interrupted and if I'm honest, with MS teams sometimes flakey and distorted, I may have unintentionally interrupted someone or accidentally "talked over them". It happened to me just yesterday (the sound quality was dreadful). The normal professional way of handling it is to quickly say "oops sorry if I talked over you there". Not shout and cut into someone and make them feel small.

So your colleague was completely out of order getting aggressive and belligerent with you, you must have been mortified.

I had a very similar altercation a few months ago when a very arrogant and misogynistic male colleague cut into me and told me to shut up, and that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about. Given that the point I was making was my specialism with a Post Grad to my name he was completely unjustified. He just looked like a complete dick, but the impact on me at the time was devastating.

The following day, I sent him an email marked Private and Confidential, in which I told him it was completely unacceptable to have been treated like that. I was also very specific how it made me feel (traumatised, belittled and humiliated in front of other colleagues). It was hard to put into words what a negative impact it had on me, I was literally shaking with the shock. It was cathartic to directly call them out on their bad behaviour, without having to face them in person.

He never ever mentioned my email, or the incident, nor has he ever apologised- I just think even less of him for that, what a coward to not even acknowledge his wrongdoing. The reality for me is that I took back the power and control, he knew I'd "marked his card" and it was a red card, one strike and he'd be out. His behaviour changed instantly. That was really all I needed, for him to not treat me disrespectfully ever again. Anything else wasn't really important, an apology would have meant nothing anyway, so I didn't hold out hope.

In short, taking it to HR won't really change anything. Addressing the matter directly with the perpetrator, is more empowering and satisfying, it challenges the person head-on and it basically tells them that you won't put up with them. That threat alone can very often be what it takes to stop them in their tracks.

It's a mix
Honestly yes I imagine the vast majority of people without your trauma would just let it go, possibly mention it to hr and their manager as you have but wouldn't escalate it to a grievance.

But that doesn't mean that your response is blowing it out of proportion. Your response is valid.

Even if the majority of people that she might speak to in the way she spoke to you wouldn't be affected, some still could. Other staff, customers or stakeholders could all have their own backstory that she doesn't know. She can't carry on just talking to people like that.

The fact that so many other people have already had issues with her in such a short space of time indicates she's not the most professional.

A pp said they won't get rid of her just because of being rude on one teams call which usually maybe not but shes within the 2 year period where she can be let go with minimal reasons and already has a history of arguing and being rude to people - hr might be delighted to have another reason to get rid. Regardless that isn't your issue, all you can decide is whether to escalate it or not. Grievance procedures can be stressful - maybe think about what the best outcome for you would be and how to achieve it - not what would be the most punishing for her. E.g. if you can talk to your manager and agree no direct contact between her and you would that be a better resolution than going through an extended grievance procedure, likely finding no fault to answer or just a warning for her and then having to keep working with her being even more annoyed at you?

where on earth do you get this from? It’s absolutely not true. My current employer has blocked the ability to record any meeting without express permission from our compliance team because of the nature of the business.

I completed a course of Talking Therapies CBT in June, which I found very useful. However, it was dealing with my disability (due to the spinal fracture) and adjusting to life. We did cover the abuse, but not in the way you're recommending, as it was focusing on my isolation and restrictions on what I can now do. I am on morphine to deal with the constant pain, so the CBT was really disability focused.

My previous abuse counselling was to do with recognising patterns of abuse so if/when I had a new relationship, I wouldn't make the same mistakes by going for the same personality types.

So I haven't really done the kind of therapy you've suggested as I think my individual counsellors were dealing with other pressing issues at the time, so I could function emotionally.

I also think, as I've become more stable in my new relationship, certain traumas are resurfacing, as if my brain knows I'm in a safe space so I can now face them

Not sure if I'm making sense....

Re. Work. Without my making a formal complaint, this incident has been noted. I'm not going to take it further, but will record or request someone else to be present if I'm ever in a meeting with her. Due to my disability I WFH full time, so there is never any danger of bumping into her

I suspect this lady has a default response of fight when posed with a situation she doesn't like. I don't think that works in our environment, so sooner or later this will come to a head. I'll protect myself by avoiding direct confrontation. I don't work with her, so it won't be too hard to do

Thank you to everyone for your kind, honest opinions. I really appreciate it

I also think I still have unresolved issues I need to try and control/understand because I can't keep living with flashbacks. I'm not trapped anymore, so I need to convince my inner self of my current safety xx