Ex squeezed water bottle while teen DD was drinking it

[Alasia2023]

This is is more of a rant than an aibu, but I am wondering whether I should've down more.

Backstory - was with ex for 8 years, split up last year but he sort of hangs round a fair bit. He has no friends or family and so far hasn't caused me any harm, is helpful sometimes and my children (they're not his bio children) get on with him so I don't see an issue.

I bumped into him at the supermarket yesterday afternoon just before collecting my DS and DD from school, and he was still chatting to me when the kids arrived.

My DD (she's 16) arrived and said she was thirsty so my ex offered a bottle of water from his van (sealed and brand new) so she said he's and thanks.

He gave her the water bottle, made a stupid joke about only drinking once from it but it was clearly sealed so she laughed that off, but then she helped down about half the bottle, went to take it from her mouth and my ex reached over and squeezed the bottle!

I felt awful but it happened so fast that I didn't have time to react.

My DD handled it well, a bit shocked but laughed it off.

I was fuming, but as he was laughing all I could do was say how stupid it was, but I think I should've been angrier and told him what a dickish thing he'd done.

He just kept saying over and over "it's just water" and "it's funny". At one point I said it wasn't, it was bully behaviour and he told me not to be stupid.

After my daughter had wiped her face I got her into the car, she half jokingly said she'd been cold so that hadn't helped but even that didn't make my ex feel bad and he didn't apologise.

Should I have done more? I feel awful. My daughter forgot about it once we were in the car and when it happened she did that 'shocked face with a bit of a laugh thing' but it baffles me he thought it was funny and I wonder whether he offered the water knowing he was going to do that or whether it was a spur of the moment things, not that it matters which it was...

He is your ex for a reason.

Your job is not to fix his sad friendless life.

Men who act weirdly around teenage girls need watching.

Men who do things to trick girls and make them uncomfortable need avoiding.

Protect your daughter.

I was a joke between father and daughter.

You're overthinking

You’re not wrong to feel upset. Your ex's behavior was inappropriate, and it’s concerning that he dismissed your feelings about it. You did call him out, but it’s understandable to wish you'd reacted more strongly. What’s important now is checking in with your daughter privately to see how she really felt and ensuring she knows that behavior like that isn’t okay.
Going forward, consider setting firmer boundaries with your ex to prevent situations like this. Don’t be too hard on yourself—it’s tough to process things in the moment, but you're handling it thoughtfully now.

His health isn't your responsibility, it's his!

What about next time he 'turns up' you just don't let him in? Stand in the doorway and say 'sorry, I'm busy with work/family stuff right now so it's not a good time'. You can do that, you're not a branch of Costa or a public library or something. He doesn't have a right to just walk in and take up your time.

this - it doesn't sound particularly bullying or vindictive.
He sounds a juvenile idiot - but you probably knew that already.

When your children become parents themselves they will massively judge your choice of keeping this twat around. You're risking your future relationships with them and your potential grandchildren. (Trust me - I'm the grown-up child in this situation).

So... Even though you said you were going to limit him, he's back at your house again today. where's the boundaries?

If he hurts himself, that's not your fault.

You're still people pleasing.

Thanks all. Well he came round with a chocolate rose he found at b&m and thought was cool.

Did you invite him round, even after this incident?

Either you invited him round or he just turned up, either way you need to sort your boundaries out.

It’s absolutely fine to be friends with an ex, I actually think it’s healthy.
But this is not a healthy situation.

You are so upset over his actions that you started a thread about it and then he’s coming around and buying you things - it’s not healthy at all.

Are you wanting to get back with him?
Are you just stringing him along?

How often does he buy you things or do things for you?

He is not your responsibility. Just ping him a text....

"Sorry Simon, you popping around isn't really working for me or the girls anymore, Im afraid we are going to have to call it a day. Please dont come round again. I wish you luck in the future"

Be done with him. You are so angry and irritated by his insignificant little slights that it'll do your MH the world of good.

Come on OP he has no friends for a reason. Don’t limit contact, go no contact. He is pulling the “I’ve got no one, and I’m worried about my health” card, to manipulate and keep you on side. Why is this person still in your kids lives? Be strong and phase him out, he sounds immature and not a good example to have around your children.

Agree with others. You need to tell him to stop popping around. Not only is he not a good influence but he seems to be literally taking up your valuable time.

What is it with exes hanging around like a bad smell. Get that air freshener out and zap it.

Keep away from him he's strange and that was bordering on flirting with your daughter - reminds me of bra pinging school boys

"He maintains there was nothing to apologise for" honestly, this speaks volumes as to why he's so alone in the world. He can't see why it wouldn't be funny to do in the first place, he can't see why he might need to apologise after he did it, and he still doubles down after having extra time to consider it AND knowing that you're upset by it.

Those saying it was a joke: ok sure, it probably was. But firstly, it was a stupid joke, and I wouldn't be hanging out with someone who thought spraying water in my face was amusing, personally. Second, once you know someone does not appreciate your joke, you apologise! You don't double down and tell them they just don't understand the humour of being sprayed in the face with water.

Good point.
Its actually creepy.

Your ex isn’t the problem, you’re the problem. There is no point in hand wringing about under reacting and worrying about your DD masking due to the behaviour you have modelled for her if you will still see this man. What use is an apology and discussion with your DD if you are still going to see him? That is still modelling bad behaviour for her - your ex can do what he wants, refuse to apology and even then you still won’t cut him off. Please raise your bar, for yourself and your children.

Fucks sake OP, this is what your DD is learning 😡

maybe I’m projecting
oh he’s having a hard time
oh he’s hinted this that or the other
he doesn’t understand
she will think it’s her fault 😖

Meanwhile what she’s actually SEEING is a guy who can still, even though you’re over, walk straight in to your home, do and say what he likes and -even when she sees her mum object he gets to REFUSE to accept any objection to his behaviour, REFUSE to apologise, and excuses are made, there is no comeback on him.

Just think this one through. Can you imagine, ever, having so little respect for someone that you would think you can do something that upsets them, they say so, you laugh at them in return and refuse to apologise, then stroll in to their home the next day and expect nothing to be said, total confidence and entitlement, they bring it up again and you continue to basically tell them to put up and shut up in their own home.

That’s what your DD is seeing as what you can expect from men.

BLOCK HIM. Tell him you’ve really had enough of his so-called friendship, he’s a rude twat and he isn’t welcome. Your DD will blame herself? Well that’s for you to reframe for her and I really hope you do.

‘Thanks, DD. I’m sorry you had to put up with that stupid bit of disrespect yesterday but it really helped open my eyes to that man. We can really do without that kind of nasty banter and I genuinely don’t want him or his toxic nonsense around any of us anymore.’

Yes this!

He deliberately hurt - the pain in her nose - and humiliated a 16 year old girl he isn't related to. Her blouse was wet - bit transparent, too? - and the liquid went all over her face. After pretending to do something nice for her, he got close and made her physically uncomfortable and in pain/choking.

Your best case scenario is that he's a malicious bully towards young girls. Your worst case scenario is that he is getting 'something' out of this over and above the physical and mental dominance of her and deliberately affecting her breathing. That would also go some way to explain just why he's so keen to still be around.

But hey, he slopes by the next day and it's all fine, Mum's still got him in the kitchen, she's not that bothered by him, it must be normal for girls to have men making them choke, splutter and have their clothes made transparent by cold water without their consent.

Oh, no he just turned up. I know I shouldn't have let him in but I find it difficult.

Going to have to be tougher, obviously.

I get it. I really do. I mean, reading all the replies on her it's pretty split between I'm over reacting and it's just a joke, and he's a manipulative bully and this is what goes on in my head
I left because I thought he was abusive and manipulative but stayed for eight years prior to that because "what if" he wasn't.

You're right, I need to trust my instincts and block him.

This just says it all.

OP he’s an ex. A pushy, disrespectful ex who clearly knows he can do what he likes around you.

If you’re not prepared to block this guy then no, you aren’t being the parent you need to be. It’s your choice but don’t be at all surprised when your daughter chooses - or rather is absolutely unable to find the life skills she needs to avoid - exactly the same kind of nasty, bullying leech.

Do you think you would have felt the same if it was her dad?

Her dad is an actual abusive arse (was violent towards me), so I would hope so!

Maybe because I've had physical abuse I'm not registered the more subtle stuff. Plus, he brushed it off as a joke, some people here are doing the same so I'm doubting myself.

I need to get over the guilt of knowing that he will be thinking badly of me when I block him and focus on the guilt that I'll feel when my daughter ends up exactly like me in future.

OP, I'm sorry but your response is ridiculously wet. Grow a backbone for God's sake.