Ex squeezed water bottle while teen DD was drinking it

[Alasia2023]

This is is more of a rant than an aibu, but I am wondering whether I should've down more.

Backstory - was with ex for 8 years, split up last year but he sort of hangs round a fair bit. He has no friends or family and so far hasn't caused me any harm, is helpful sometimes and my children (they're not his bio children) get on with him so I don't see an issue.

I bumped into him at the supermarket yesterday afternoon just before collecting my DS and DD from school, and he was still chatting to me when the kids arrived.

My DD (she's 16) arrived and said she was thirsty so my ex offered a bottle of water from his van (sealed and brand new) so she said he's and thanks.

He gave her the water bottle, made a stupid joke about only drinking once from it but it was clearly sealed so she laughed that off, but then she helped down about half the bottle, went to take it from her mouth and my ex reached over and squeezed the bottle!

I felt awful but it happened so fast that I didn't have time to react.

My DD handled it well, a bit shocked but laughed it off.

I was fuming, but as he was laughing all I could do was say how stupid it was, but I think I should've been angrier and told him what a dickish thing he'd done.

He just kept saying over and over "it's just water" and "it's funny". At one point I said it wasn't, it was bully behaviour and he told me not to be stupid.

After my daughter had wiped her face I got her into the car, she half jokingly said she'd been cold so that hadn't helped but even that didn't make my ex feel bad and he didn't apologise.

Should I have done more? I feel awful. My daughter forgot about it once we were in the car and when it happened she did that 'shocked face with a bit of a laugh thing' but it baffles me he thought it was funny and I wonder whether he offered the water knowing he was going to do that or whether it was a spur of the moment things, not that it matters which it was...

He's a dick.
Good thing he's an ex.
Now his behaviour towards teen DD is clearly that of a teenage bully. There is no need for him to be anywhere near any of your children again. Assert proper boundaries in future and tell him to fuck off and leave all of you alone. You don't have to be friendly with him.

I think you’re just cross you didn’t react more angrily at the time. In your shoes I would think about what you’re modelling for your teenage daughter (why did she ‘laugh off’ the fact that her mother’s dopey ex-boyfriend threw water on her unprovoked?) and cut ties with him.

What you’re teaching her is that the bar for adult male behaviour is very low, and it’s completely acceptable for adult men to play childish, aggressive pranks on girls, with absolutely no consequences.

I completely agree.

Silly, immature joke but I’m not sure what he’s really contributing to your current set up beyond being an extra child. Do your kids like him and like that he still visits? Can you have an honest conversation with them?

He was probably just trying to connect with Dd and acts impulsively at times.
It's immature but he probably just thought he was having a bit of fun with her.

Exactly this.

Sounds silly and immature, annoying but I think you're overreacting

It was a stupid, immature prank but meant as a silly joke nonetheless, no harm was meant, this whole post feels like a massive overreaction. It can’t be a shock to you that he’s immature?

This is exactly the kind of thing my (older) male relative with ADHD does. He also never apologises. He is just impulsive at times and doesn't think things through, he sees the joke not all the outcomes before he acts. I don't know if that makes sense. There's no malice in it at all.

Your reaction made it clear you weren't impressed so hopefully he will learn. I'm not sure why you still have so much contact with him but maybe it works for you?

Yes this is exactly like my relative.

It's a stupid practical joke that kids do to each other all the time at school/college. In fact there are still lots of (responsible) adults who enjoy practical jokes. You are over reacting and DD sounds the most mature out of all three of you.

This ^

I imagine he was trying to be pally and jokey with your daughter, it's immature but fairly harmless.

There are far worse things to be upset and angry about than a bit of water on the face from a misguided joke. You were fuming? This isn’t measured. Move on. Also if your daughter is that age it’s between her and her father. Your reaction if she is okay with it makes things worse.

Some people never grow up.

Reduce contact with him (to about zero). If he asks why, tell him:

'Because you do stupid, immature things which upset people then don't apologise when they are upset'

Just cut the ties, even if it does mean you will no longer be able to accept his help.
The water bottle thing though, it's a big deal over not very much at all.

I don’t think it’s the stupid prank itself that’s bothering the OP, it’s the fact that she under-reacted, and her daughter, following her lead, ‘laughed it off’. I think she’s been made very aware that she thought this dickhead was good enough for her and her children for eight years, AND has let him hang around since, and is worried about setting the bar very low for her daughter in terms of relationship expectations.

Well yes, this is what crossed my mind later on on the evening and why I posted this thread. Should she put up with it and laugh it off?

If he'd apologised at the time I'd maybe put it down to a joke (and at the time I had a daughter who has water running down her face, a stinging nose from the water that had gone up her nose and a portion of her school shirt wet as well as her blazer. He squeezed the bottle hard...

But he didn't apologise and just kept telling me it was a joke whilst I was (politely and non confrontationally) telling him it was basically a dick thing to do.

Anyway, no lasting effects but I'll make sure she knows not to laugh things off that upset her.

My son has ADHD (he's 13) and does stupid stuff, including 'playfully' hitting my daughter at times. But I always make sure he understands it's unacceptable and apologises in a sincere way, even if he was joking.

I don't think ADHD can ever be an excuse for poor or upsetting behaviour, even when not intended maliciously.

He's not her father. I did say...

Yes this is pretty much it.

My children know that I left because we had far too many arguments and that neither of us were happy (mostly his behaviour...not listening or apologising, not really engaging with my children apart from my daughter who is the NT person in our family so he always said he found it easier to get on with her), but I've noticed some people pleasing tendencies recently and worry it's to do with what she saw me 'put up with' through the relationship with my ex.

At the time I said I was annoyed he'd done it and after a couple of goes at getting him to understand, my priority was getting her home but I do think although she laughed it off, she looked shocked and I think knowing her, she would've got more upset had we not been 'laughing it off'.

So yeah, anyway thought about it later on and decided to post here to see whether my reaction of it just being a silly joke that misfired and no big deal was right, or whether I should have made the point that she doesn't have to put up with that sort of shit just because she's female and young and 'the adults' find it funny. You know?

No it's not. It's the beginning of seeing how much you are prepared to put up with.

Why are you giving this bullying wanker the time of day? You're not together, time to break it off properly.

No wonder your dd is a people pleaser, she's learning it from you. There's no reason at all for him to be in your lives.

Horrible thing to do.
Text him and tell him to stay away from you and your children and block him.
I wouldn't have him near my children.
What he did was nasty and yes you should have been furious.
I think you should indeed think of the message your daughter has about men.
Did you stand around after this incident?

You should have left immediately.
Does he come to your home?
Stop allowing this.
I think a lot of parents would be very annoyed at this.
Protect your children from this tool.