Ex squeezed water bottle while teen DD was drinking it

[Alasia2023]

This is is more of a rant than an aibu, but I am wondering whether I should've down more.

Backstory - was with ex for 8 years, split up last year but he sort of hangs round a fair bit. He has no friends or family and so far hasn't caused me any harm, is helpful sometimes and my children (they're not his bio children) get on with him so I don't see an issue.

I bumped into him at the supermarket yesterday afternoon just before collecting my DS and DD from school, and he was still chatting to me when the kids arrived.

My DD (she's 16) arrived and said she was thirsty so my ex offered a bottle of water from his van (sealed and brand new) so she said he's and thanks.

He gave her the water bottle, made a stupid joke about only drinking once from it but it was clearly sealed so she laughed that off, but then she helped down about half the bottle, went to take it from her mouth and my ex reached over and squeezed the bottle!

I felt awful but it happened so fast that I didn't have time to react.

My DD handled it well, a bit shocked but laughed it off.

I was fuming, but as he was laughing all I could do was say how stupid it was, but I think I should've been angrier and told him what a dickish thing he'd done.

He just kept saying over and over "it's just water" and "it's funny". At one point I said it wasn't, it was bully behaviour and he told me not to be stupid.

After my daughter had wiped her face I got her into the car, she half jokingly said she'd been cold so that hadn't helped but even that didn't make my ex feel bad and he didn't apologise.

Should I have done more? I feel awful. My daughter forgot about it once we were in the car and when it happened she did that 'shocked face with a bit of a laugh thing' but it baffles me he thought it was funny and I wonder whether he offered the water knowing he was going to do that or whether it was a spur of the moment things, not that it matters which it was...

I gave her a tissue from the car while saying "what the heck?!" At him, she dried her face off and I said we should go and get sorted at home, then she got in the car and I told him how dickish I thought it was, he laughed and said it was just a joke and only water, to which I replied that bullies do that kind of thing and it's embarrassing enough to have water squirted over her face as a teenage girl but by a parent figure and in the middle of a supermarket car park makes it even worse, he laughed again and didn't see my point so I said bye and left. Then I apologised to my daughter that it happened.

From now on I'll limit his time here more than I have done already and he offers any of my children a drink again I'll make sure to refuse 🙄

I do have an issue with blocking him, just because he's hinted he's worried about his health and having no one around, his family disowned him years ago then all died... But I'll certainly severely limit contact

It’s not too late, though. Your gut is telling you it was mishandled. But you can correct that. I think I’d talk to her very seriously about it and say you should have reacted more protectively of her (I mean you say you were trying to get him to ‘understand’, but he’s an irrelevance, and it’s your daughter whose response to the prank is the key one), and that you don’t want her to think that kind of behaviour is ok, or that it’s girls’ and women’s job to laugh off stupid male pranks.

And that it’s made you think about what kind of relationship you modelled for her as she was growing up. And that it’s made you decide that you will no longer have any contact with this man, because you recognise he’s a poor male role model. Let her see that this incident was significant enough for you to make a big decision. Let that lead on to a general discussion about boundaries and expectations in relationships. She’s 16. Good to have a chance to talk about this now.

Thanks, that sounds like a really good idea but I know she'll worry it's her fault I've cut contact - because the incident happened to her, etc.

I'll definitely have the talk about all the other stuff but I'm just so wary about making her feel like she's to blame, however much I'd obviously drum it into her that that's not the case.

I would cut contact completely. Show your daughter that you have standards, and that you’re putting her welfare first. He’s your ex, and not her father.

Bluntly, whether he lives or dies is less important than whether she sees her mother modelling setting boundaries and taking action on male misbehaviour towards her. At the moment, what you’re modelling is that his stupid, disrespectful behaviour towards an unrelated 16 year old girl isn’t important enough to have any consequences for him.

That's the sort of thing one of my young teenagers would do to the other, it would end in massive squabble/flight because it's embarrassing/humiliating for the one on the receiving end. None of the adults in my life would do it because they understand it's embarrassing/humiliating and only funny for the person watching. Add in the adult doing it to a child factor and, whilst not the crime of the century, it would seriously put me off him.

She won’t think she’s ’to blame’ if you make it clear you see this whole situation as a result of your own misjudgement (both the relationship itself, and letting him hang around afterwards). Say this was a wake up call for you about your own standards.

That's a good point. Thank you.

a prank that your DD didn’t don’t funny
misjudged but not the end of the world

I think you handled it brilliantly.

Its hard to tell without knowing their relationship and whether it was a jokey sort of one when you were together.

It sounds like he thought it would be funny and thought she’d find it funny.

You told him that it wasn’t funny and stood up for her.

I would leave it at that.
It’s done.

Unless he is nasty or pushes the boundaries then I don’t see the issue with you remaining friends with him.

Good luck with it all.

OP, he is not your responsibility.
You are being manipulated by him, with his worries of his "health".
He's a tool.
Is this why he hasn't friends around him.
Put your daughter first and tell her his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

Abusive men often throw water at women.
Please take it very seriously.
Show your daughter by your actions how completely unacceptable his behaviour was.

Chuck some water in his face and ask him why he's not laughing. Tosser.

OP, in abusive relationships, it can be very suble to begin with.
You do not want her to ever think throwing anything at her is ever acceptable.
By having him near your home and children again you ARE giving her the message that this behaviour is tolerated and rewarded.

I would be telling her he is a twat and his behaviour reminded YOU of what a twat he is and you don't want him in YOUR home.

His refusal to apologise should be a huge red flag to you.

Now you know why he’s a Billy No Mates.

Your 16 year old daughter is a young woman unrelated to this man. There is something deeply unpleasant and worrying about an adult man watching her drink from a bottle and then deliberately causing liquid to spurt over her face. Glad he's your ex.

It was a silly thing to do but not harmful and DD seems OK. It’s up to you whether you continue to be friendly, you don’t have to.

Oh, get him out of your children's lives. What a dick.

What Coalsy said.
You're not a public service.
You owe him nothing.

Lots of people are on their own - it isn't for you to resolve.

He's been very unpleasant and I am unsure why you feel obligated to keep him in your life.

as he’s nothing to do with you or your children I think best to go nc and avoid him. He’s and ex for a reason.

Thanks all. Well he came round with a chocolate rose he found at b&m and thought was cool.

I suggested he give it to my daughter as an apology for yesterday, explained again my point of view and just like when we were together, he maintains there was nothing to apologise for and that it was just a joke she wasnt bothered about.

Maybe I'm projecting, maybe she was upset. I don't know. But either way, he obviously doesn't have empathy and that's not a good example to be setting my children.

It would be best for your children if you did not allow him contact with any of you. Kids trump lonely ex. What he did was aggressive and with some dodgy undertones to a 16 yo girl. Please protect them by dumping him.

It is not ever funny to make a so called “joke” that makes the other person feel or look foolish - amusement at someone else’s expense isn’t ok.

Especially as he is a grown man and she is a teenage girl

OP, you have really poor boundaries that he would have been in your house again, arguing that he did nothing wrong.
Unbelievable.
God knows what message your daughter has been given by the behaviour you tolerate, not to mind your son, on how women can be treated.

You should do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk because whilst I have no doubt you care for your children, you are completely misguided in allowing this argumentative prick near your home and children.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you and your children.
Is this really the type you want your daughter to end up with?
I have a daughter that age and if some man did that to my child, I would be beyond furious and tell him if he ever came near me or my children again I would be reporting him to 101.

Ffs OP stop making excuses to keep this dickhead around.

He helps with the kids
He's got nobody
My daughter will blame herself

All excuses because you don't want to feel the emotions that doing the right thing would bring. We need to do the hard stuff in life to move on and keep our girls safe. This guy is an asshat, and you've not really dumped him at all. He just lives somewhere else.