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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my partner should not have sexy vidoes of girls in his...

92 replies

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 22:55

office on his computer?? I looked through his email tonight and found a video forwarded of two girls from his office stripping in a lift that he had forwarded and lots of pictures of psuedo lesbian and tits out shots and videos that he had searched for online during his working day. He is the boss of the UK and exchanging emails with salemen. I truly thought he had grown up in our ten years and three, another on the way, children. I am so angry that I asked him to leave the house or I would beat him with the laptop until it broke. I have no idea what to do. It brings up the trust issue and that my dp is not, by a long way, the man I thought he was.
Shall I just kill him?????

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 23/04/2008 23:00

I would be mega pissed off about the girls from the office and i would want to know what the hell was going on, i would be inclined to send said video clips to higher management, or whomever would deal with it most appropriately. Im not sure i would have asked him to leave permanently - i think killing his is a much more reasonable option. What is it that upset you? The fact that he knows the girls or the fact he has had this stuff sent to him?

RiojaLover75 · 23/04/2008 23:00

Oh my God!!! If he's the boss he should know better!!! You can get sacked for that nowdays.

I'd be v pissed off too. I've had a past partner that was sooooo addicted to things like this but am just glad my DH has no interest in it.

Am sorry for you and your children

RosaLuxembourg · 23/04/2008 23:02

I would kill him, personally, but lots of people are now going to leap on this thread and tell you you are uptight and need to get a life because all blokes are entitled to amuse themselves with this kind of puerile objectification of women.
They so are not. Kick him in his thinking equipment.

MinkyBorage · 23/04/2008 23:02

My bro used to be an it manager and used to be able to see exactly what was going on re web action on everyones computer, if his company ever need a reason to get rid of him, that would be it!
I would be very fucked off

MinkyBorage · 23/04/2008 23:02

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:05

He has porn on his computer, its hardly the end of the world..

madamez · 23/04/2008 23:05

DO you think that he has these images because he has had sex with the women involved? Or is it stuff that is generally being forwarded from inbox to inbox around the company?. Now (what line of business is your DP in, by the way? Is it anything remotely connected with adult entertainment? If not then it's a bit odd that the staff are flashing their bits at one another when it isn't Xmas party season). If emails of girls with their kit off are generally being forwarded round the whole company then there may be some litigation-worthy unpleasant company culture going on, or the staff may just be bored mischief-makers- but it's not necessarily the same thing as your partner being unfaithful to you.

And even if your partner has had/contemplated sex with someone else, physical violence is not justified or excusable.

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:07

Ah yes, and agree the statement ' Iwould beat him with the laptop until it broke' is absoloutely not funny, if it was meant to be, and not acceptable.

RosaLuxembourg · 23/04/2008 23:07

That is why she asked him to leave the house, Madamez. Because she has more self-control than he has.

eenybeeny · 23/04/2008 23:12

I think she was saying that a bit sarcastically I doubt she would REALLY kill him. She is justifiably fuming right now. I would be too if I were her.

Original poster

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 23:26

I was very very angry and don't ever resort to violence and have never even so much as tapped my child. Tonight I saw red and was at a loss as to what I should do. Plus me being a tiny 5ft and him being 6'2" and very broad made that statement feel a lot less threatening!
I was under the illusion that my dp had grown up and that he is not part of the culture that seems to thrive where he works, I worked there too.
DSM, if I had found porn on our pc then I would be a little cross, I feel that porn rarely supports a dynamic where women are not demeaned. But to find it on a work laptop where he is actively seeking stuff to send around the office as well receiving a strip from a conference his event team had been sent on outrageous. Obvioulsy if everything were rosy in my relationship it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I have trust issues anyway or I wouldn't be searching his laptop.
I have thrown him some clothes out of the window (I am hormonal and pg) he asked for a suit, I gave him half his wardrobe.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:31

I'm confused. You wouldn't mind if it was your home PC but are this angry because it was a work one?

Why are you so bothered about what he does at work? Why do you feel it is your business?

Do you not think that at least he is doing it on work time, rather than your time together? I'd be pleased TBH.

SheWillBeLoved · 23/04/2008 23:31

Maybe he simply does it to stay 'cool' with his collegues? He's hardly going to turn around and say to them "Oh, this isn't acceptable, i'm a married man."

If what has happened is generally how things happen in there, then it could be easier for him to google porn, and send it and be included, rather than be the big boring boss.

Just an idea. Sometimes things aren't always as black and white as we wish they were.

windygalestoday · 23/04/2008 23:32

ive told this tale before and ill tell it gain .....the last time my dh watched such film he saw his best friends daughter 'performing' lmfao kinda put him off

Original poster

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 23:36

He is the boss though and a good few years older and with three children.
DSM, you and I really are worlds apart!! It is the fact that my grown man of a partner is still a lad and I'm rather disgusted. We have, or I thought, a very open relationship and there's nothing he doesn't know about me. I am now finding out that little stories about others in the office with regards to talk about women includes my dp. If he is like this why didn't I know about it without snooping through his laptop??
I travel to asia for at least five weeks a year to see my parents and would understand, not like, that he may look at porn whilst I am away. I don't expect him to see it as I do.
I feel disrespected and that all of his collegues know something about my dp that I don't know about, I think it is a window into other issues and lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 23:37

Windygalestoday..... fly on the wall time!!!

OP posts:

windygalestoday · 23/04/2008 23:40

lmao it was so funny .....he had the film 'apparently' passed around the transport office(hes a hgv driver) he came home said what hed got and did i wanna watch it too? i find them a bit predictable and find myself checking out the bacground for dodgy decor rather than 'action' so i declined within 10 mins he was upstirs pale faced begging me to watch and yip it was her and believe me shes all grown up ......that cured him lmao

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:44

I really think you are being way over-dramatic about this. Looking at porn is not for 'lads', men of all ages, backgrounds, situations look at porn.

I think if you honestly didn't think he looked at porn, and had a laugh with the folk at work, you are being a bit naive.

I also don't think its something you would say to your partner really? Why would you? It doesn't mean he is hiding anything. People are entitled to privacy, and to have aspects of their lives that are not necessarily 'shared' with their partners.

madamez · 23/04/2008 23:44

I think you are overreacting, and you are the one who is immature. You snoop through his computer and tell him what he can and cannot look at, despite the fact that he is not (at least from your posts) having sex with other people behind your back, but indulging in workplace banter and having opinions that you do not share.
While a culture of casual sexism in a workplace is not a good thing, you don't work there. It's not your workplace, and trying to control your partner and your partner's work behaviour by spying, accusations and threats of violence is not a good way to maintain a happy relationship whatever the issue on which you disagree.

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:45

Agree with madamez there.

islingtonponce · 23/04/2008 23:51

do you really think all men look at porn at work dsm?? really?

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 23:56

No, of course I don't think all men look at porn at work.

Most men do look at porn though. I think it is naive to suggest that they don't. Of course, lots don't, but the majority do. Whether they do it at work or not is irrelevant.

Original poster

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 23:59

Madamez, just because I have a different view of my relationship than you do of yours, it hardly makes me immature. If your dh lead you to believe with their own words that he was not a particular way and then you found out that he was you wouldn't question his motives??
Not all men look at porn just like not all women hate it.
Please do not reference the 'threat of violence' it is only a threat of the person threatened feels so, it was words that expressed my anger and did not for one moment lead my dp to believe that I would commit an act of violence.

OP posts:

islingtonponce · 24/04/2008 00:01

i asked dsm because your post said

"I think if you honestly didn't think he looked at porn, and had a laugh with the folk at work, you are being a bit naive".

why is op naif?

i too would (threaten) to deck dh with laptop if he had done what op's dh has done. and in my opinion that would be restrained

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:01

By the way my dp accused me of flirting with a bloke on the phone in a call centre and so he gets the controlling title, not me.

OP posts:

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