To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

He sounds like a miserable little gnome.

Devastated?

You clearly missed the bit where OP said they pay equally. She has savings and family help.

I agree with this! Why does the house have to be a mess when he comes home!?! One thing out at a time, tidy as you go and she is old enough to start to put her own toys away. I also wouldn't be letting her get out crayons etc during bedtime stories or throw bath toys across the room and splash enough to get water everywhere!
Kids need to learn the boundaries. You can play and have wonderful fun but come later on the house should be ready for the evening and I couldn't cope with crap everywhere!

I’m with you. I would understand having the toys or pencils she’s currently using out, but she should really be learning to put things away before getting new things out.

However, it also sounds like he needs to learn to communicate with a toddler far better than he currently is. Instead of saying “why did you…”, he should just calmly say “Go and put XYZ and the you can get ABC out.”

Really? My 2 year Dgs can manage to sit at the table and eat/drink. And knows now that toys have to be tidied after use. Needs reminding obviously. Funnily enough he's very good at replacing books neatly of the shelves. He's also able to put his used plate in dishwasher etc. In fact tidier in generally than his 7 year old cousin

He sounds a bit like my DP - he’s so incredibly clean and tidy and thinks that should be my priority too. It’s quite obvious it physically stresses him out to see mess but he makes a huge effort not to nag and just watches in despair as they tip their toys out (although the oldest then tidies up when she’s done). The point is my DP is the same but doesn’t use it as an excuse to be a dick to the kids. Maybe he does have OCD but he needs to look at coping mechanisms that don’t involve expecting a small child to behave like an adult.
On the other hand, encouraging her to put one toy away before getting another one out or tidying up when she’s done isn’t going to hurt her. If we’re playing in the lounge, we tidy up those toys before going to play in the garden so there’s only chaos in one part of the house at any one time 😂

When DH got home and DS had toys out he would quite likely have sat down with DS and played with him not moaned about having toys out.

I think there is also a compromise to be had with the only one toy out brigade. DS used to mix up different types of toys in his imaginative play, so I certainly didn’t stick to a rigid only one toy out system, but we did have rules about things like jigsaws not getting mixed up. He also helped to tidy away.

Bedtime did mean no toys other than cuddly toys and books. Certainly no pens etc. DH was very involved with bathtime/bedtime. It was his bonding time during the week.

As DS got older we would have lego constructions or toy car races that lasted a few days/weeks(!) in the lounge. He knew they had to be placed in a way so not to get in the way and if we had guests they would sometimes have to be cleared away/moved. His toys were part of our house. Miss them now he is older.

I can imagine OP’s DH wouldn’t be happy whatever the level of toys being out was, be it one or 100.

Other than the passive-aggressive comments, I’m also with your husband.

Your daughter needs to learn to tidy up her toys. She should tidy her toys before bed and yes, she’ll need help with it and that help might come from your husband while you do other things but as she goes to bed it should be tidy. If he isn’t getting home until 6/7pm that should be quiet time anyway so the only toys out should be puzzles or books. I’m fine with tipping crayons out whilst colouring but if DC wants to then play bricks, the colours all go away before the bricks come out.

Bath time - I don’t want to get wet either. We have no splashing while being washed. I will then then move from the side of the bath to the end of the bath so still in arms reach but mostly out of the splash zone and let DC splash for a few minutes before getting out. Throwing bath toys out of the bath - absolutely not. We don’t throw toys of any kind. That might be being 2 but it’s not acceptable to throw toys and they need to be tight this.

Bedtime we do 3 books. They can change their mind on the first page of a book and get a different one but any later than that and it’s tough they have to wait until the end of that story or until tomorrow. Changing their mind about books halfway through is part of the delaying tactics for bed. My child is also two by the way, so these things are not beyond a 2 year olds understanding.

Nobody’s perfect. If he’s generally a good dad and mess is his bug bear then it’s not going to have a massive impact on your daughter. Does he know much about kids development - maybe a book would help him understand how expectations. If it helps - I’m always complaining about the mess my boys make and they couldn’t care less! In one ear and out the other!

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Jesus. You’re not smooth with your edit - people can still see what you’ve put.

Really depends how much the mess is. A few pencils that take 30 seconds to put away, he’s unreasonable. A bomb site of multiple toys scattered around that takes 20 minutes to tidy up - YABU

If you think he’d be interested get him a book on toddler brain development, lots in Amazon. Maybe if he understood all the amazing thoughts and processes that your daughter is going through learning, experimenting and developing everyday he would be more understanding.

Team husband. It would do my head in to come home to that.

Keeping one room tidy is possibly a way forward. If the mess is in the kitchen but not the living room at least there's one calm space.
My house was such a mess when the children were toddlers. It was eye opening for me to witness nursery tidy up time, and how they raced around to be the first to tidy away. She might not be quite at that stage yet, but definitely worth planning to get her involved in tidying pretty soon! (Isn't there a "tidy up" song people use?)

for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her
OP are you saying she tries to colour during bedtime stories? Or are those two separate points.

It reads as though he moans at his 2 year old for getting a second book out during story time and moans again if she tips her pencil crayons out while colouring.

Nothing stopping him modelling the behaviour he wants to see and showing her what to do but he he doesn't see that as his job.

Exactly this!

If I was coming home to a huge mess, then yes I would be annoyed.

If it’s just a couple of toys, then he’s being a twat.

I completely agree

I think there's always going to be messy days with a toddler, but it shouldn't be very single day. And dinner doesn't need to be a big performance every day either.
I would try to meet him half way. See if this really is what he's complaining about or if he's just miserable.

There may or may not have been in OP’s case, but it’s not impossible for this to be new behaviour.
My husband changed completely as soon as our DC was born, and it was a huge shock.

On the one hand, I think you can teach some good habits to your daughter. Even if she's not going to get it yet, the repetition and consistency will help her. My one year old tidies up when asked (then dumps them all out again - but he understands putting things in the box).

On the other, he's not your fucking manager, and he seems to understand neither basic child development or looking after a toddler all day.

People are saying that they are team DH. I'm actually team toddler as she is not being unreasonable to splash in the bath, chuck a toy out of the bath and to select another book for a bedtime story. Even if OP made sure that all the toys were tidied away before her DH comes home, he would still have issues with his toddler daughter.

On the pencils - I can't help thinking there is a better solution than tipping them all out. Can you get her something where she doesn't need to tip the pencils out of it? A flat tin where they are all side by side in one layer? If he wants her to be neat then this seems like a compromise.