To think that child-free people shouldn’t be expected to babysit or help with kids?

[TwinklyCyanPoet]

I’ve noticed that some friends and family assume that those of us who are child-free should be available for babysitting or childcare. Isn’t it unfair to expect this? Or is it part of being a good friend?

I didn't do it very often when I was child free, mainly as I wanted my weekend nights for dating and socializing and would get lonely and sad if I didn't do this - I spent enough midweek evenings alone with the tv. And also as everyone has kids - if I only had one friend with a child I'd do it for her every month or so, but when everyone has kids if I was being 'fair' I'd end up doing it every day.

Now I have my own child as a single mum. Fml. I wish more of my own friends would offer! A lot say 'drop him here in the daytime' but he'd hate that, what I need is someone to sit in with him after bedtime but everyone is too tired to do that! So I just pay for a babysitter if I want a late night (or ask parents to if they're free and it's not too late - I'm very lucky they live close).

What I will say is I didn't appreciate I had so much free time when I was child free. No there is none.

You're an angel

Nah, this doesn’t ring true. I raised over half of my siblings due to my parents being shit. As child free auntie I wasn’t asked because, frankly, I wasn’t on the same timeline as parents. None of my double figure siblings ever said stuff like this.

Thank you, I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking about saying no. However, fortunately DH is really supportive and I know he’ll field a lot of it.

I really can’t get back into a routine of looking after babies again. SiL goes back to work soon, so we shall see what happens.

My parents worked full time and we saw them once a month. My mum babysat for mine only when it was an absolute emergency - which equates to about three times in their lives. I understand it’s hard, I really do, but I do feel I’ve done my time.

@Flutterbycustard if your SIL is going back to work soon I'd as kindly as possible tell her you won't be available, just incase she hasn't made other arrangements. Good luck and enjoy your down time

I don't think it's fair for anyone to expect any person to provide childcare- not grandparents or aunts or best friends or anything. I guess if it's someone you have a good relationship with and they would help you with things in life then it's good to help each other out but not just bring constantly expected to be childcare if you don't want to

It's not an expectation, it's just nice to be part of your community and contribute considering one day you'll need those children you dislike so much now to help you. You looked after your mother, she looked after you as a child. How many other random old people who didn't look after you in childhood did you go out of your way to help?

This generation especially since we locked them up for several months and told them it was to protect the elderly.

And no, I don't share the Mumsnet fear of men. I obviously wouldn't leave my child with a stranger but I would leave them with a trusted friend of either gender.

My DN’s parents lived in a different part of the country until he was five so I didn’t get much chance to babysit when he was a baby. I did to a bit when they moved nearer and though I enjoyed it I was always glad to get back to my peaceful home!

YANBU, I'd never ask a child free friend to babysit unless they'd volunteered to do so.

I repeat: no child I could be asked to look after would be in a position to look after me. Not that I know any children anyway, because guess what, I don't live among people who have kids running around, except on occasion their grandchildren. I live among oldish people in a retirement village, and we have a support system run by the village. It doesn't depend on imposing on anyone as some sort of quid pro quo for babysitting. This is the same "who'll wipe your arse when you're old" line constantly trotted out to women (never men) who are childfree. It's doubly revolting because it suggests children are just future servants with a future in aged care, whether they want it or not.

And why are you talking as if parents raising their own children and people being expected to look after other people's children are the same thing?

Your line about "the Mumsnet fear of men" ignores the very real and pervasive existence of male abusers.

Well you'll be expecting someone to wipe your arse when your 90 at which point you'll be glad some of us are not child free.

Friends shouldn't be expecting you to do anything for their children (although as a friend presumably you would help in a genuine emergency). But as a child free person you may occasionally want to something to invest in the next generation - the better calibre they turn out to be then so much the better for everyone.

OP, I would step back from ANYONE who was presumptuous about my time.
No one has ANY right to your time.
They are not your children and so what if they trust you.
Find and pay a babysitter.
When I was childless I had zero interest in looking after anyone's children.
People like that are not real friends, they are users who thing you are a mug and have zero respect for you.
See how long the relationships last when you say you are busy.
Bet it will be eye opening.

Childfree here and not adverse to doing a bit of childcare for my nieces and nephews, after all I love them. I am definitely not confident doing it though and worry something will happen and I won’t know what to do. It’s easier when they are older though. My nephew is 5 and at least I get lots of exercise looking after him as he sprints away, does it to his mum as well he’s just a bolter.

@flutter, you are being set up with these visits.
She absolutely is likely to ask you and is getting the baby used to seeing you.
Don't be fooled, these visits are calculated.
You need to stop answering the door or tell your husband to tell her it doesn't suit.
You need your down time and shouldn't have to explain that.
She thinks you are a soft touch, so harden up.

My friend had a falling out with her SIL last year that still isn't resolved and this suits my friend just fine.
They don't live close, about 30 minutes away.
She doesn't know her nephew well, they are not close at all.
My friend is recently retired from teaching aged 55.
Her nephew bought a house about two years ago nearby, and she hadn't been invited to visit, no problem as my friend didn't care, they are not close.
They had a baby and my friend dropped a gift to them with her husband and stayed 5 minutes and left.

6 months into her mat leave nephews wife calls to the house asking for childcare 2 days a week as she is retired.
My friend couldn't believe her ears and said absolutely not, she is busy enjoying her retirement and couldn't be tied down like that and has no interest anyway.
She was very clear that it was not happening.
The woman said "well think about it" and she told her no I don't have to think about it, I haven't any interest.
Real CF territory.

My friend was not impressed but thought that is the and of it. SIL calls a few days later and asks is she going to do it? Friend says NO, I was very clear I have neither the time nor the interest.
SIL calls her extremely selfish and that as family she should be delighted to be asked!🙄yea right....delighted to be asked for free childcare 2 days a week.

Anyway friend said goodbye and told her husband that he can deal with his sister. Her MIL got involved and told her she was "very disappointed in her".
The upside is my friend decided to use this to take the hump and has avoided his family completely for 12 months.
She hasn't attended anything and hasn't hosted either.
She wouldn't host last Christmas.

She won't discuss it with her husband as even though she isn't annoyed anymore, she has really enjoyed not seeing his family and not hosting and has told him he is welcome to host but she will visit her family for a week when he does so.
Her SIL has always been a bit bossy and she has bit her lip for 25 years.
This has been a godsend and has really contributed to her really enjoying her first year of retirement.😁

Counting down to the ‘why are non-parents on MUMSnet’ question.

None of my younger relatives live near enough for me to be regularly involved with them beyond sending Xmas and birthday presents and I don’t think any of my friends have kids young enough to need babysitters.

There’s this assumption that childfree people have plenty of free time but it does get filled up very quickly.

And no, I don’t feel the lack of children in my life. I’m happy to pay my taxes & to smile at babies on the tube, but any maternal instincts I have are fully channelled into my cat.

No-one should be expected to babysit anyone's children - end of!

My colleague was expected to give up her job to care for her daughter’s children. For free. When she said no her son in law called her a selfish cunt and she hasn’t heard from them since. Mumsnet, but more so gransnet, and lots of other social media have people discussing similar issues all the time.

One I remember recently being on Mumsnet was a step mother who knew the step child from a young kids and she was now an adult. She had made it clear for years the step mother wasn’t part of the family but now she had a child she expected the step mother to look after her child but couldn’t even bring herself to ask the step mother and went through her father. So she hated the step mother enough she wouldn’t speak to her but not enough that she would accept free childcare from her!

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti

Counting down to the ‘why are non-parents on MUMSnet’ question.

• Just you

Unless they've expressed an interest in doing so I think it's impolite to expect anyone to do it, childless or otherwise.

If someone asked me to care for a child under the age of about 8, I simply wouldn't really know how. I'd need detailed instructions!

My friend's kid launched herself off the couch and splatted on the floor, screaming in 'pain' When I was left alone with her for five minutes!

I could not have done anything to stop it as I don't know techniques for corralling kids etc.

So just politely decline. Plus you might not have any toys/kids stuff in your house.

Very refreshing!

I did think that. I’ve told DH that I will not be child minding on my few days off a week or during the afternoons. I’m exhausted after work and have no desire to collect and look after a baby, changing nappies and blending veggies for them. But I’ve also told him that he has to tell her, it’s his sibling after all.

I’ve already decided that next time she pops over, likely tomorrow, I’ll be the one going upstairs and he can sit with her and the baby and make sure the child doesn’t fall through the glass coffee table or grab an ornament off the side. It’s so tiring. It’s not I don’t care about them, but I’ve just had enough. If they do just want to visit, once a month would be more than enough 😂

I’ve already decided that next time she pops over, likely tomorrow, I’ll be the one going upstairs and he can sit with her and the baby and make sure the child doesn’t fall through the glass coffee table or grab an ornament off the side. It’s so tiring. It’s not I don’t care about them, but I’ve just had enough. If they do just want to visit, once a month would be more than enough

Good call - it’s his sister, you should get to disappear!