To think that child-free people shouldn’t be expected to babysit or help with kids?

[TwinklyCyanPoet]

I’ve noticed that some friends and family assume that those of us who are child-free should be available for babysitting or childcare. Isn’t it unfair to expect this? Or is it part of being a good friend?

Is it possible they just like you and want you to be a part of their children’s lives?

But if you choose not to be a part of their lives or help out a bit, don't expect family to run and support you when you are in need.

But the thing that actually ends up happening is that people with kids never return the favour.
Usually using their kids as an excuse why they can’t (won’t) help.
It’s this imbalance that has made me very carefull now.

You're entitled to say no. If you have plans or whatever, then I'm sure they would expect you to say no.

If you have time though, it's a nice thing to do. Would your friends help you with non-child related stuff? Feed your pet whilst you're on holiday, listen to you when you need to talk, help you move house? If so (or if you haven't needed to ask them yet but hope they would) then a few hours of babysitting would just be part of being the village for them.

And bear in mind that all childfree people will one day depend on other people's children.

I agree with you. I’m a parent and I don’t even ask people with kids to look after mine, I feel very uncomfortable about asking people to look after, even family. No one should expect you to look after and if you don’t want to, say no.

Edit - sorry to quote the OP, it’s so annoying, didn’t by accident

And bear in mind that all childfree people will one day depend on other people's children

Hardly relevant. Those "children" will be adults then.

It is relevant. Even before I had my daughter I did what I could for parents and for children because one day we will all depend on them and it's something you do for society and your community which pays dividends in the future.

Is there some unwritten societal contract somewhere that says someone that has no kids (I bet you mean women) should look after other people's children?

I agree it shouldn't be expected. Once in a while as a favour is fine but if it's not offered then people should assume childfree people don't want to do it. That's generally why they have chosen to be childfree in the first place. Not so they can be free and always available babysitters.

I think it's because people without children have so much spare time, compared with parents.

You can always decline, of course.

This

That’s a good point - trust definitely plays a role, and I understand that. I think I’ve felt it’s more about being child-free because the requests often come with comments like, “You have more time” or “You don’t have to worry about kids,” which makes it feel more about my situation than trust.

I don’t expect babysitting/ childcare from anyone. If I was to ask someone I’d be much more likely to go for someone who is good with kids, has some experience looking after them and might actually want to do it. It makes no sense to me to ask anyone who has shown no interest in doing it.

We are child free, and I can assure you no one has ever asked if we could look after children, either extensive family or friends. We do occasionally take out post toddler children, who we ask if they want to come out with us to places we and they might both enjoy. But it’s never been taken for granted.

Well with those kinds of comments, it’s not surprising it’s annoying. I think there is some truth to child-free people having more spare time, but that’s no reason to expect you to give it up. It’s a nice thing to do for friends/family, but only if you want to.

"I am very selective who I babysit for because some people confuse ‘a village’ for ‘people should do everything for me while I do nothing for them"

Yes, this is so true!! The one way village for the entitled.

That’s possible, and I do appreciate being included! It’s just tricky when the expectation feels a bit one-sided, especially when it comes with comments about having more time because I’m child-free. I’d like to be part of their lives without it feeling like I’m the go-to for childcare.

Never been asked. I don't think I give off 'would make a great babysitter' vibes, although I am often ask to mind people's luggage on the train 😁

I wouldn't have a clue what's age-appropriate nowadays in terms of entertaining children.

Most of the people I know who don’t have children I’d never ask as I think they wouldn’t have a clue 🙈 so I do wonder if this might come from a good place where they see you as part of their “village” and think you would be a positive influence on their children. Obviously you know them and have more context as to what they’re actually saying.

I think it’s fine to ask but not expect it.

I have heard many times, especially on here, so and do doesn’t have any kids so why can’t she look after my DC.

Someone without DC does have more free time than someone with DC but that doesn’t mean that time should be spent looking after someone else’s kids.

I did used to babysit my DN when she was a baby but only because she was one of those very easy babies who slept through, I was more there as a housesitter than a babysitter. I haven't been asked by anyone for many years and that's fine by me because too many parents seem to follow particular parenting styles of which I have absolutely no knowledge. My sympathies go to people like @Flutterbycustard , if you've had DC everyone seems to think it's open season, you know about children and you must love them so wouldn't it be lovely for you to look after mine. Stay strong Flutter, you've done your time.

Do you think you actually are the go-to though, and that the fact that you’re child free is relevant to their decision to ask? The only friends local to me that I’d actually trust with my children happen to be child free, but they’re the ones I’d ask (if I had to) because they’re my oldest and closest friends. The fact that they don’t have kids is actually less likely to make me ask someone.

What is 'free time' though? Or is it just work and kids?

The people I know that don't have kids are certainly not sat around twiddling their thumbs. Some have hardly any spare time at all.

I rarely ask people for childcare but when I do it's usually a childfree family member. Obviously if they can't do it at the time, they can't do it, but there is some expectation that they will do it if they can. But that's because I regularly do favours for them. As a family we help each other out.

@TwinklyCyanPoet have you ever said no to babysitting either because you can't or just don't want to? Their reaction to you saying no will tell you everything you need to know about your friendship.

Nobody should "expect" anyone to babysit their children. My Mil does it with pleasure but I wouldn't ask her childfree brother:).