To think that child-free people shouldn’t be expected to babysit or help with kids?

[TwinklyCyanPoet]

I’ve noticed that some friends and family assume that those of us who are child-free should be available for babysitting or childcare. Isn’t it unfair to expect this? Or is it part of being a good friend?

It depends how they're asking, how often and how they react if you say no.

I did a fair amount of babysitting for friends and family when I was childfree. I don't remember anyone expecting me to do it and they didn't ask too often.

They all asked very politely, tried to make it as easy as possible for me, were very grateful for it and normally offered to buy me dinner/ left wine.

It wasn't my favourite way to spend a Saturday night but now I'm a parent myself I understand how amazing it is to have someone you trust look after your child so you can get out for an evening.

I was expected to babysit occasionally with my nephew to help out my sister. I was an older teen, child free ( and child clueless as I understand now) and my time was more flexible ( study not job).
So it was more a sister thing rather then being child free.
DH and I asked a child free friend for short babysitting twice but it was because we trusted him and there wasn’t heaps of options available tbh.

I don't know about 'expected' but back when I was single and child free I did loads of babysitting for friends. Never accepted money for it as it was no inconvenience to me (given I'd only say yes if I had no plans anyway).

I'd personally think the opposite I expect child free people to be less available as most likely work full time and have more of a social life. People with kids throwing an extra one in doesn't make much difference. Plus I can pay them back by having their kids

I don’t think they should be expected to babysit, but I don’t think not having kids of your own should mean you’re exempt from being asked. Just say no if you can’t or don’t want to.

it's a bit hard to say - if it's your sister asking twice a year and your best mate asking so she and her DH can go to a family wedding, that seems OK - but not if each of them is asking several times a month.

When my friendship group was mainly mums, I did find that there was a sort of feeling that I'd managed to cheat the system by not having my own and therefore had all the time and money in the world, unlike them, and that this balance needed redressing somehow. There were many veiled suggestions that I should offer myself up to give them all a break as I had "nothing else on", that kind of thing.

The same is now true of my siblings and their kids, except with money. They think I'm diving into pools of money (despite them all being part of a couple and therefore having larger household incomes than I do) and should be redirecting it to their children.

I don't think this dynamic is true of every parent vs every childless person, obviously, and I've definitely just been unlucky. It shouldn't be expected, but it also shouldn't be assumed you'll never help out, either.

My friends with children know that the main reasons I’m childfree are not liking children and being utterly crap with looking after them - so I’m never asked, let alone expected!

I think any friend who expects you to do any sort of favours for them as a matter of course probably needs a bit of a reality check. It’s fine to ask, but not fine to get annoyed if people don’t want to give up hours of their time.

No, no one should expect it.

I think it’s fine to ask, as long as they don’t get upset when you say no, but respect that.

Asking very frequently could get annoying I guess, but they should soon stop if you always say no.

What is the statement behind the question?
Do you mean that some parents expect their friends without children to be constantly available? Or something else?

They can ask
You can say no

As many parents think their children are absolute angels they may feel they're doing you a favour by offering the opportunity to babysit

YANBU. I am very selective who I babysit for because some people confuse ‘a village’ for ‘people should do everything for me while I do nothing for them.

Also people saying if you want a relationship with the child you should babysit, you don’t have to babysit to have a relationship with a child. I have a relative who will never be away from her child to the extent she homeschools, so I’ve never babysat, but I am close to the child still.

Mine have flown the nest, the youngest just gone to uni. I’m 44 and free as a bird. Even if that’s just to sit around on the sofa eating chocolate.

Sister in law has just a year ago had a baby. She often brings the baby to my house without any prearrangements, and it’s like ‘surprise - I thought you might like cuddles’.

No, I don’t want cuddles; and baby slobber all over my furniture. I’m not particularly interested. DH disappears upstairs. And SiL spends the whole time telling me how much baby loves me.

I love the baby as much as I love anyone else in my family, but I’m not yearning for close relationships and I feel like she’s gearing up to ask me to babysit more, as mine are now all older and I don’t have responsibilities.

I do work FT. I don’t want to start any regular nonsense. If it comes up, I’m going to have to say no. And actually, it’s really annoying to keep getting these visits on my days off and evenings off! I’m newly free ffs.

It’s annoying. I agree op.

Do they assume that or do you assume that they assume that?

There shouldn't be an expectation on anyone regardless of being child free or not.

Whether or not you are cf is irrelevant.

I used to love babysitting my nieces and nephews before I had my own children!
Still don't mind but now it's more because it's nice to help each other - still love them loads but tired with my own!!

Is there a reason you think it’s because you’re child free? I have only two friends that I would ever ask to babysit, and I ask them because I trust them. (They both have children of their own, I’m just drawing a comparison as you could also be someone they trust?)

I’ve never expected any of my child free friends or relations to babysit. On the contrary, I prefer somebody who has had experience of child care.

It depends. It's certainly everybody's responsibility to care for their society's children. However, not everyone is comfortable/experienced/safe/suitable to be directly involved in childcare, so such people can find other ways to do their bit. We have taxes as a basic.

It's definitely a good way to help parents cope, though. It can make all the difference to have someone offer even an hour to allow a parent to have a bath or get to the shop. My life and health would have been transformed if someone had simply offered to take the recycling down for me during the first few years!

They’re free to ask, you’re free to say no.

obviously it’s harder to offer to be free to babysit if you have your own kids so it’s often easier to ask someone who is child free first, but by all means make your position on the matter known if you’re not happy with it and they’ll stop asking.

My siblings expected it from me when I didn’t have kids but in a sneaky way. Eg they’d ask if I was going to mum’s and the kids would suddenly appear for sleepovers (they never went to her otherwise). Sneaky because when I married and had dsd and eventually dc to take care of they said ‘oh but mum took care of our kids, not you so we don’t owe you anything’ even when I did all the care for them at mum’s.

I am child-free, and it is has never been asked of me, let alone expected of me. I have zero idea how to interact with children, let alone look after them on my own.

I agree with PP’s that no one, whether childfree or not, should be “expected” to babysit.

I do view it as a compliment when ppl ask me to babysit though as it shows that they trust me with their children (I have older teenagers now). But I say no if I don’t want to!

Offering to babysit occasionally can be a nice way to build relationships though. My children (19&16) are far closer to my friends who made an effort with them when they were younger and very occasionally offered to babysit (on our wedding anniversary, for example). Their aunties and uncle made less effort and now wonder why they’re not especially close.

I remember before we had kids one friend used to ask me quite regularly because she assumed I'd be available, but when you don't have kids baby-sitting them is quite a big deal, more so than when you do (IMHO). You are used to just being able to decide to go and do something whenever you feel like it.
The last time she ever phoned to ask me I said "sorry, my waters have broken and I'm just waiting for DH to get home from work before we head for the hospital."

So yes, I think SHE is BU. Presumably she's forgotten those happy spontaneous times........