To think that child-free people shouldn’t be expected to babysit or help with kids?

[TwinklyCyanPoet]

I’ve noticed that some friends and family assume that those of us who are child-free should be available for babysitting or childcare. Isn’t it unfair to expect this? Or is it part of being a good friend?

Yes, I have said no a couple of times, and while some have been understanding, there have been instances where it felt like they were taken aback or disappointed. It made me question whether they see it as a favour or more of an expectation. It’s definitely given me insight into how they view our friendship!

And bear in mind that all childfree people will one day depend on other people's children

Ahh that old chestnut. I'm doing my bit by paying my taxes now for their education and healthcare etc. when I'm old I'll pay for care so will be paying their wages and supporting them that way. That's quite enough for me.

I've never babysat or looked after any kids since I was 16 and was forced to look after younger brothers ans sisters. Didn't enjoy the company of kids then and still don't. Only met their kids once at my mothers funeral and I'm nit fussed to ever meet them again so 🤷‍♀️

Also people saying if you want a relationship with the child you should babysit, you don’t have to babysit to have a relationship with a child.

@Ahoysweetie I agree with you, I made that point simply because it’s one way to spend time with a child IF you wish to. I occasionally babysit a neighbour’s 3-year-old, because I like children and I know what it’s like not to have family close by. But I offered to, it’s never been expected!

@ItTook8WibesToKnow7WasEnough I agree that reciprocity is the best way. I was lucky to have a childfree friend who wanted and offered to occasionally babysit my children when they were small. At the time, I thanked her by paying when we went for girl’s nights out, and now that she has caring responsibilities for an elderly parent, I try to give her breaks (weekends away, etc.) and be a good listener when she needs to offload.

If someone feels like they’re being used, they absolutely should say no thanks!

A few months ago a friend's daughter - who I'd met once, for five minutes - showed she thought she could dump her 12 year old son with me while she packed things for her mother. She was quite taken aback when I said no, and demanded to know why. The concept of being childfree, having no interest in children and not wanting random kids in my unit seemed quite beyond her.

Nobody should be EXPECTED to babysit, child free or not. I have friends who are child free however have expressed interest to be involved and they have asked if they can babysit occasionally. I have friends with kids who don’t want to babysit and that’s fine - that’s what paid babysitters are for. Personally I cannot/ don’t want to handle more kids than what I have so I don’t babysit; if I get child free time the last thing I want to do is babysit someone else’s kids.

No, there is no unwritten societal contract and I do not mean just women. I think that in a nice community, children are a collective responsibility and blessing and everyone works together to help them grow into happy and well rounded adults, and this is a net positive for everyone in society. If you'd rather not take part, no-one should try to force you to, but you may find that if you don't put into building a community, there's nothing there when you need to take out.

And bear in mind that all childfree people will one day depend on other people's children.

Children of complete strangers, mostly from overseas, who are trained workers in the aged-care industry - not some random's kids from the same neighbourhood.

My friends never asked me to babysit before I had a child and I have never asked my friends. If they asked I would have helped them out but i don't agree that it's expected

Is it actually expected or have you made it all up in your head yes there is a difference

So? Just because you aren't going to be the direct beneficiary doesn't mean that you shouldn't be a part of a positive culture.

That is not how society and life in general works, but ok.

There doesn’t seem to be an attitude of collective responsibility when it comes to rules or discipline though. Every thread on Mumsnet alone about children misbehaving people are told to mind their own business and let the parents deal with their own children.

There only seems to be a ‘community’ or village’ when the people with small children need a favour but when the people with no children or older children need a favour or try to direct a child they’re told no or to mind their own business.

I'm childfree and none of my friends have ever asked me to babysit...

Some of them have asked if they can list me as an emergency contact for school/nursery. That's obviously fine as they're my friends and I'd be more than happy to help out if there is an emergency / unwell child and the parents can't be reached.

Exactly this.

I wouldn't ask child-free friends or family to babysit, for exactly this reason.

Do all child free people have to decide as a block? 😂 surely it’s up to the individual whether they babysit or not, kids or no kids?

Yup. See the thread where the OP who nearly got hit by a child on a scooter is being told off for how rude and intolerant she was.

Have you actually read my comments, or are you making assumptions? Yes, there is a difference.

You don't have kids.
You do have more time.
Your friends or siblings trust you.
They would y you to be a part of their child's life.
If you don't care don't babysit.
Why be outraged.
You do you.

Exactly

How do we know the op has more time?

Well I don't know where most Mumsnetters live (London maybe?) but it's not how things work around here. It's thankfully very, very rare that my child is badly behaved enough in public that she has to be spoken to by anyone other than us. One occasion I do remember was when she was playing with her sandpit in the front garden, got bored, unlocked the gate, and took herself off up the road whilst we were WFH. The neighbour gave her a good telling off and brought her back. Our only response was to thank him, apologise for the inconvenience and say she had lost the privilege of playing unsupervised in the front garden.

The only other time I can think of was when she was about 3 and had found a stick and ran into a shop with it. An old lady took it straight off her. I responded in the same way as I did to the neighbour.

I have also had to tell other children off or speak to their parents and have never had a negative reaction. I live in quite an old-fashioned rural community and we do look out for each other and each other's kids.

If you have ever read Mn threads about London, which generally ueither features as a soulless urban drearfest full of corporate drones living in flays the size of rabbit hutches despite their London weighting, or a crime fiesta where the tube harbours murderers and every street is full of muggers and knife crime, you would know that London is not the hangout of most Mners.

I don't see the harm in you being asked. Just say no If you don't want to or it doesn't suit.

I don’t expect childfree friends to help no

DH’s childfree sister lives 5 minutes away and it would be nice if she helped even very very occasionally, or actually wanted to spend time with her nephew/niece!

She’s not obliged, but it makes me quite sad she’s literally never once asked to take DC to the park or invited them to play at her house for even 30 minutes or babysat or anything. I don’t have my own family close by and it would be nice to have more from DH’s siblings. Especially when I think back to the soul destroying loneliness of the baby days. It would have been nice if she had kept me company for just one hour of my year of maternity leave in a new town where I knew no one.

But of course they are not obliged.

And if she has kids in the future, no I won’t be leading the charge to head up her “village”

What's positive about being expected to babysit some stranger's children? I don't even like children. I never have, and don't have anything to do with them. And wonder of wonders, managed to look after my mother while I was her carer without having been babysat by anyone, ever.

And do you have this expectation of men, or would you be wary of putting children in some man's care, given the risks? No? Then once again, it's the "why aren't women conforming to the roles demanded of them" shit.