Friend with money, AIBU?

[xcurlyluciex]

To cut a long story short, a friend has come into some money following the death of her husband recently. This friend isn't very good with money, she's a spender, rather than a saver IYSWIM.
She's going to pay her mortgage off, so will then be debt free. This'll still leave her with around £150k, I think.
Now, this is where the problem start. She's planning on buying a new car and wants to take us all (friends) on a big holiday. I refused her invitation, because a) it doesn't include kids and she wants to go during term time and b) I don't want her wasting her money on taking us on holiday. I want her to use this money to secure her future financially, not blow it on clothes and holidays, which I think is what she is going to do.
She's now not happy with me because I refused the holiday invite. I feel awful, but I don't want her paying for a holiday for 10+ people to some luxury resort that would cost £££££. AIBU?

You can refuse on the grounds that it's during term time and you don't have other child care.

Then there will be nothing you can do ultimately anyway. People sometimes need to go through it a few times to handle this

I know. I just know what she's like from past experiences. As soon as she has money it goes, and her husband used to bail her out when she ran up debts. Now he's gone, what's she going to do if she gets herself into that situation again.

well at least she is doing the sensible thing and paying off the mortgage.
she's an adult, it's her money, not a lot you can do.

If you have school age children, presumably she is a similar age to you and either still working, or able to when the cash runs out.

Not your problem.

She'll downsize and burn through that money too.

You are being unreasonable to think you should have any say in what she does with her money but you are not unreasonable to turn down the invitation for any reason.

How she uses the money is none of your business.

Sadly, what she is going to do is finally learn from her mistakes. Nothing else is going to change her behaviour and however kindly it was meant, her husband did her a great disservice bailing her out like that

Unfortunately people don't change their financial behaviour easily. It might be that she needs to experience the consequences of her actions - eg run up debt and not have anyone to bail her out - to change her behaviour.

It is good that she is paying off her mortgage at least. It might be helpful to suggest some other sensible things she can do with some of her money, like paying some into a pension, so it doesn't all get spent. It's surprising how quickly people can spend money once they get started.

Paying off her mortgage and buying a new car is very sensible.

A lot of advice for people who inherit/get a large sum of money is to spend at least some of it on fun things.

A holiday for friends and family sounds like a lovely thing to do. You refusing be sure you think she'll be waste the rest of it is pretty unpleasant.

lol buying a new car isn't sensible at all.

I do think she sounds fairly sensible tbh.
And having just lost her husband, I don’t think I could begrudge her the holiday. She has just been through a life altering event, after all!

All you can do is hope she reigns it in after that

YABU. It’s her money, she can do what she likes with it.

You don’t have to go but sounds like it will be going ahead no matter what.

You can decline an invitation for any reason but it's none of your business how she spends her money, stop being judgy.
After the death of her husband, perhaps a holiday with close friends is exactly what she needs.

I don't begrudge her a holiday. She definitely deserves it. But she doesn't need to pay for us all to go with her. I'd happily go with her but pay for myself, but she doesn't want my child coming, so I am stuck, but apparently ungrateful too.

You don't have to go on the trip

You don't get to tell another adult how she should spend her money

You should try to be a bit pleased for her, even if you think you could use the money better.

I wouldn’t worry about it. Not your problem remotely. I’d just tell her ‘thanks so much for the offer, it’s super generous, but I can’t go because of DC’.

Nonsense. She's being extremely foolish.

No one "needs" a new car. This windfall, now that her husband is dead, is the last lump sum/bailout she'll ever receive from him. She has a history of squandering money.

Paying off the mortgage is OK.

Taking 10 friends on holiday is not OK. She needs to bank this money and eke it out over the long term.

Isn't the mortgage automatically paid off now that her husband has died? We had to take out life insurance when we got our mortgage.
She's being very generous, offering to take a group of friends on holiday and it's up to her what she spends her money on. With no mortgage to pay, she's not going to need a massive income going forward.

If she doesn't spend it on you, she'll spend it on someone or something else.

What is her income like?

@xcurlyluciex you are a good friend to her , if she's left with £150K after paying off the mortgage and has lost her husband, presumably that money needs to now replace his lost salary - and so be used for pensions, savings for house repairs etc, If it was my friend I'd be pointing this out as well, and I'd also refuse to go on a holiday she paid for and insist on paying my own way,

YANBU

Depending on the car she chooses, it could easily be half of her £150k, if not more. And tax/insurance/upkeep on a nice car quickly add up.

Same for the holiday—spending £3k per person on the holiday is very much doable, and if there are 10 people, that’s £30k gone.

Perhaps you could sit down with her and look at her choice of car, price it all out, including the extras, and do the same for a holiday—‘shop’ for the holiday online, including flights, car transfers, food, drinks, etc. Help her to see how much she will have left of her inheritance.

Well it depends doesn’t it?

She could have swapped a 15 year old car prone to breaking down to something new and reliable and with a warranty. She could have swapped a big car that she struggled to drive but was mostly her husband’s car to something smaller that suits her. She could have swapped a diesel car to an electric vehicle because she does more city driving and won’t be venturing into the countryside now. She could have even just swapped a 7 year old car for one under warranty so she doesn’t have to deal with garages and whether she’s being told the truth at MOTs. Just one less thing to deal with whilst dealing with her grief.

Or she could have swapped a perfectly fine 3 year old fiesta for a Lamborghini. You don’t know but new cars can absolutely be a sensible choice.

OP, she has made some sensible decisions by paying her mortgage off. You can’t tell her how to spend her money. Maybe she got herself into trouble previously but with age we can make more sensible financial decisions. Sometimes we don’t change as a person and she’s lost her husband young so I can also see there’s an element of life is too short. Time will tell whether she’s learnt from previous lessons or if she hasn’t. I think treating her friends to a holiday is a way of reconnecting with people and trying to make sure she feels like she has people. Not being able to attend because it’s term time is fine, explain that to her and maybe suggest something else that you can do, let her know you have time for her and she still has this connection in her life when she’s lost a really important one. She also doesn’t need to buy your connection, you’re going to be there for her regardless.

She can do what she wants with her money. Even spending it on something she doesn't 'need'. She wants a new car, she can get one. The beauty of being an adult is that we can do what we want with our money without permission from others. This may also be her way of coping/grieving the loss of her husband as well.

I would take exception to being called ungrateful. as if she's lady bountiful and you should be grateful for this offer!

In fact, if she is bad with money, I would definitely not go on this holiday with her because if she does squander the money I'd be afraid of her throwing the holiday back in my face and expecting something back when it all dries up.