Friend with money, AIBU?

[xcurlyluciex]

To cut a long story short, a friend has come into some money following the death of her husband recently. This friend isn't very good with money, she's a spender, rather than a saver IYSWIM.
She's going to pay her mortgage off, so will then be debt free. This'll still leave her with around £150k, I think.
Now, this is where the problem start. She's planning on buying a new car and wants to take us all (friends) on a big holiday. I refused her invitation, because a) it doesn't include kids and she wants to go during term time and b) I don't want her wasting her money on taking us on holiday. I want her to use this money to secure her future financially, not blow it on clothes and holidays, which I think is what she is going to do.
She's now not happy with me because I refused the holiday invite. I feel awful, but I don't want her paying for a holiday for 10+ people to some luxury resort that would cost £££££. AIBU?

I agree - if she spent eg £1,000 on your holiday then that's £1,000 she'll think you owe her when things going belly up.

Could you recommend she speaks to a financial adviser about the best way to use the money?

Why does she want to treat everyone anyway? It sounds more as though she's won a prize rather than inherited money from her husband's death!

Tbh when mum died and I inherited a bit , I spent a lot on holidays...dont regret it one bit. Mum died at 58 and didnt get to enjoy her retirement and nice holidays that my dad goes on Life is short. I also got a mortgage with the rest. Her money...her choice.

That's not your concern, kindly. It is her money to enjoy as she pleases and she won't thank you for judging her. Just don't bail her out.

If you don't like her very much on the other hand, then let the friendship go, but you cannot change her.

True. These friends who partake could become part of her story about why she’s so skint 12 months from now.

I'm guessing your friendship group are roughly of an age; I wonder if you're not the only one with school age children, nor the first to decline her offer, so being turned down is beginning to irk her.
Let her mull it over, and maybe raise the topics PP's have already stated, which don't sound nearly so exciting, when she has had time to reflect.
Is the wish to be child-free a hankering after her younger, carefree days? As a good friend, you would never say such a harsh thing, but she is moving on to a new phase in her life, and the mundane realities remain.

OP’s friend is a grown adult. Why does she need infantilising? Even if she doesn’t have the greatest history with money, it would be odd for OP to act like she has any say in what friend does with her money.

Your recently widowed friend wants her closest friends to go on an adult only holiday with her. If you’d be happy to pay for yourself, shes a good friend and you can go, then just do it.

So your friend whos husband has just died has invited you on holiday and you don't want to go. You should just say that rather than making it about her being "bad with money" that doesn't seem very supportive from a friend.

I disagree with the majority here.

I think offering suggestions and advice is being a good friend, to make sure she still has some of this money as she goes through life.

All this "it's none of your business" isn't the way life works in my world.
Yes, ultimately, it is the decision of the poor lady who has been widowed, but decent people around her would give her advice about waiting a while and investing most of it rather than splashing out on things that will use it all up before long. It would be a poor person that let their friend make some really poor choices without suggesting they take some time, or take some advice before doing so.

Thank god somebody said it!!

I can't understand this 'she is an adult she can do whatever mentality' from people who are FRIENDS not STRANGERS.
Every friend should be able to tell other friend what they think. As long as it's said in the nicest way possible and with good intentions, genuine concerns.
If the person followels the advice or not...that's different cause they are adults with capacity.

You’re not unreasonable but it’s up to her how she spends it and she’s likely to spend it regardless.

A few years ago I knew a woman who got a large sum when her husband passed. Her family and friends bled her dry and disappeared when the money was gone. Sadly she ended up quite unwell and had no money to support herself.

How so? You don’t know what condition her current one is in and she may rely on it for various reasons?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting this. Agree with PP that it’s fine to come back with another suggestion eg could you all go away for a weekend and pay for yourselves? I suspect the whole group will feel the same tbh.

At most you could try suggesting that she speaks to a financial advisor (I think it's general advice not to make any big decisions in the year after a bereavement, but maybe that's passed if it took time to receive the money) but only once and being careful about tone/wording, and then back off and let her live her life.
You can refuse the trip based on the term time travel - maybe suggest another activity day for the 2 of you like a girls' spa day? It's not ungrateful if you said thank you and that you appreciate her wanting to share it with you, so just explain you are grateful, the trip doesn't work but you do want to spend time together and support her and you're happy to pay for yourself.

So to clarify a couple of points, she has no children, and our friendship group is a mixture of people with and without kids. Her closest friends are me and another person who also doesn’t have children. I have declined the holiday for childcare reasons, and suggested doing something else next year. I know she is desperate for a holiday, and I want her to go away and enjoy herself.
I know she’s struggling and grieving, and I think the urge to spend is a reaction to this, it will make her feel better for a bit? I don’t know. It’s been an absolutely awful time for her and I just want her to the happy.

I agree. I’d hate it if my friends stood by as I made a terrible mistake especially during a time of great mental stress when I may not be thinking things through.

In fact once I’d been through the situation and assessed, I’d probably distance myself from any so called friends who were content with keeping quiet as I drove over a cliff.

I always support my friends, this involves sometimes having to tell them things they don’t want to hear at the time.

You're doing the right thing out of kindness love and respect for her friend and her money. Hopefully other friends would respectfully decline too?

I seem to be disagreeing with everyone here!

I think it's a lovely thing she's doing, and I'd do the same if I had the money. I recently sold a house after divorce - after paying off debt, buying a new place etc I paid for 6 friends flights to come away for my 40th. I'll never have the money to treat them again and I love them all very much - it felt good to treat my friends who have supported me so much.

Also, if she did invite children it would cost her even more to go away in term time. Let her be I say.

So she could maybe go away with her child free friends? Why not agree to a spa /pamper weekend. Its all very well saying you'll go next year, but she probably needs the distraction and support now.
You could sell it to her that if you all like the pamper weekend you could make it a regular outing.

Sounds like spending is her vice / coping mechanism. If so, its bound to escalate with grief. Could you have a low key night or w/e away together, just the two of you, instead? Cut her a bit of slack. I hope at some point your friend realises, what a true friend you are. Ultimately though like any 'vice' the ball's in her court 💐

she doesn't want my child coming

I get that, she wants a child-free get-away.

As a solo working mum no way could I go, or be able to pay/get anyone to take care of my child.

Honestly OP, save your money for you and your child. You never know what's around the corner.

As a compromise perhaps she could pay for a villa and the people she invites pay their own flights . Kitty for food etc. Can you get any childcare at all .DH any days AL left ? It would be nice to do .

From the point of view of somebody who's partner died - I think you are underestimating her. I absolutely understand your concerns, and that they come from a good place, but you need to let her do this without making her feel bad about it. She has just lost her husband, presumably at a relatively young age. It does force it home to you that tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. She's not being reckless. She is doing something that will more than likely give her a lot of comfort, at what is probably the hardest time in her life. More than likely feeling that the best way to ensure her friends are able to attend is to pay for it. That's not a bad thing. How would you feel if you persuaded her not to do this and then she passed away suddenly? She is making sensible decisions too, she's not wasting all the money, but she is allowed to enjoy it.

If she invests the money sensibly she could keep pace with inflation and harvest £3k a year for a nice holiday.

It sounds like she won't, though.

It's probably best to make some helpful suggestions upfront and then keep your distance as she ignores you and blows through the money.

I'd feel uncomfortable someone paying for me to go away on holiday with them, even if they were a millionaire. It would affect the dynamic!