Friend with money, AIBU?

[xcurlyluciex]

To cut a long story short, a friend has come into some money following the death of her husband recently. This friend isn't very good with money, she's a spender, rather than a saver IYSWIM.
She's going to pay her mortgage off, so will then be debt free. This'll still leave her with around £150k, I think.
Now, this is where the problem start. She's planning on buying a new car and wants to take us all (friends) on a big holiday. I refused her invitation, because a) it doesn't include kids and she wants to go during term time and b) I don't want her wasting her money on taking us on holiday. I want her to use this money to secure her future financially, not blow it on clothes and holidays, which I think is what she is going to do.
She's now not happy with me because I refused the holiday invite. I feel awful, but I don't want her paying for a holiday for 10+ people to some luxury resort that would cost £££££. AIBU?

She’s probably going to spend the money either way. You going isn’t going to make a difference.
in fact, she may just invite someone else.

Also do factor in the fact that she’s grieving.

Quite

Does she work?

If she invests the money sensibly she could keep pace with inflation and harvest £3k a year for a nice holiday.

Just sharing basic financial planning like this might make her realise. If she has always been bad with money, as you said, then education is surely the best way to support her. That, and encouraging her to see an independent financial advisor.

Say it on the group chat that you don’t think it’s right she’s wasting her money paying for all of you when it should be for her living expenses. This might guilt the other friends into declining too.

Yes, full time. Salary wise not sure, between £30-£35k

I would do this too. Shame on the other 'friends' who are using her like this. You are a good person op. You can't change her mind but at least you are not part of her bad decisions.

Hi op,

Get down from your financial horse lol
No, I understand how it makes you feel…”If you had this money” you would… but that is the thing. It is her. Not you.
So please, let her decide what she wants to do. Do not give unwanted advices and enjoy the holiday with your friend if you want to go.

Money does change relationship so just outweigh this and that and decide if you want to go or not.

Good luck 🌺

This really, and I would politely decline the offer of the holiday on the basis of childcare.
FWIW at least she's had the sense to pay off the mortgage, that shows some sense at least.

YABU
She is paying off her mortgage, and that is sensible. Nothing wrong with getting a new car either. What she does with the rest is up to her.
You are free to not take up her offer of a free holiday, but she will most likely go right ahead without you anyway.
Also, she has just lost her DH and is grieving. A group holiday with her mates might be her way of coping.

Yes, and OP's friend will feel great that her other friends seem to be pulling away too, especially when she is grieving.

No need to say anything about wasting money... if childcare is the issue then that should be all that is mentioned.

Why should be only about what she needs.Maybe about what she wants. A new car is reliable, has a warranty, safer, more comfortable. Maybe that's what her priorities are.

She's going to blow the lot by the sound of it. You can't stop here but at least you're not encouraging it.

Can you compromise - see if you can find (eg) a spa weekend for you where you pay your way? It's absolutely legit for her to want a break with her friends, and maybe this feels as though this has intersected with her tendency to spend (ie. so 'want a break' has turned into 'enormo-luxury break'). And I do think it's ok to carefully try and raise the subject with her, but maybe more in terms of future budgeting and support.

This is the approach I'd take, if it were a good friend. Suggest a visit to a financial adviser to see how to deal with the money so she has asset growth and some extra income for the fun things as well.

But depends how close you are, it's not something one can easily say to all friends, but would be fine for ones where we have that level of honesty and closeness.

You've obviously got morals is deciding to turn down the free holiday even though you probably couldn't go anyway. In regards to HER money, she won't change. If hubby knew he was ill or???? He would've probably created a trust fund for the kids to keep in reserve until they were older. Either way it's no skin off you nose. You can only advise people, but most don't listen until it's too late. She may be a spender but she has to grow up at some point and smell the coffee.

Unless you're a single mum, why on earth wouldn't you take her up on this?! She's going to do it anyway so you might as well go along and enjoy yourself, cheer her up for being widowed (I'd hope my friends would come on holiday with me if I was widowed!) and if you worry about her wasting cash just help her out in the future (to the extent you can afford to) when she's broke again. Don't be a martyr or her mum.

Could you suggest a lovely spa weekend for the two of you (if you have a partner who can have the kids)

Does the friend have dependants' pension(s) from her late DH's employers?

She might be lonely and sees treating her friends as a nice thank you for supporting her through this horribly tough time. She might also be feeling like you never know what is going to happen in life, so enjoy time with those you love and do what you would really like to do.

You're a thoughtful friend @xcurlyluciex, but in short can't really step in to warn your friend. Keep your thoughts to yourself and be ready to pick up the pieces with her (not for her) when, as seems likely, it goes tits up and the money's gone. Your reason not to go on the holiday is perfectly reasonable and the fact that she's demurred about this shows just how skewed her perspective is.
There's a good reason that the standard advice after such bereavement is to do nothing significant/expensive for a year afterwards.
I can see paying off the mortgage is a good idea, but £150,000 isn't much in the long run, depending on how old she is and any income she will get from her late DH's works pensions.

Op I wouldn’t normally advise giving unsolicited advice to friends but in this instance I think you are absolutely right to refuse the holiday, right to be concerned, and I think you would also be right to encourage your friend to save the majority of her funds, and perhaps get some financial advice.

It’s surprisingly easy to blow that amount of money fairly quickly! And your friend will be very distressed. . Your friend will be making impulsive decisions to distract herself from grief , and in the not too distant future, she might look back and regret them very much.

As the relation of someone who was widowed young, who had been left a chunk of money which she blew through, and is now living very carefully on a state pension with very few savings, I would take your friend aside privately and have a serious word.

You are a true friend with buckets of integrity and I hope she will listen to you. And if she doesn’t, at least you have tried.

Be honest in a kind way and tell her that you would feel uncomfortable being beholden to her financially (and that wouldn’t make for a relaxing holiday) that she would be sensible not to make any impulsive purchases for at least a year after her dh died, and that she will definitely need that money in future. And the more she retains, the more she can make it work for her.

The elderly parent of someone I know has just been admitted to a nursing home and the fees are above £7,000 a month! So you might mention future security.

I also agree with pp that you should make a carefully worded public comment on your WhatsApp group and make everyone pause for thought.

Try to set her up with a financial advisor. Aside from that not much you can do.

I just want to say thank you for everyone’s advice.
We have made a plan for a short holiday next year that works to allow our children to come along. In the meantime she’s going away with friends shortly for a break, which she deserves.
I take onboard everyone’s advice and will step back and let her live her life how she wants. My concerns are because I care about her and I want her to have a secure future. She is grieving, it’s been an incredibly tough time.
I will say the vultures are already circling around her, but she needs to deal with that herself.

She's being sensible and paying off mortgage and can't blame for for wanting a splurge and treat her friends. She's an adult, all you can do is advise. Your friend will be grieving, fun with her mates is what she wants. Xx