Friend with money, AIBU?

[xcurlyluciex]

To cut a long story short, a friend has come into some money following the death of her husband recently. This friend isn't very good with money, she's a spender, rather than a saver IYSWIM.
She's going to pay her mortgage off, so will then be debt free. This'll still leave her with around £150k, I think.
Now, this is where the problem start. She's planning on buying a new car and wants to take us all (friends) on a big holiday. I refused her invitation, because a) it doesn't include kids and she wants to go during term time and b) I don't want her wasting her money on taking us on holiday. I want her to use this money to secure her future financially, not blow it on clothes and holidays, which I think is what she is going to do.
She's now not happy with me because I refused the holiday invite. I feel awful, but I don't want her paying for a holiday for 10+ people to some luxury resort that would cost £££££. AIBU?

I have my own experience in this.
I’ve got widowed a few years ago, just before Covid , at the age of 30.
Husband passed way suddenly , he was 32.

With the money I’ve got , I paid off the mortgage ( life insurance ). But I also got some death in benefit payments from hubby’s work.

5 months after his death , went on a holiday with some friends. I paid for their flights , but we all shared the hotel costs. Everyone booked a hotel room which they wanted / could afford.

It was a good trip , just to get away from reality. Don’t get me wrong I was still grieving. But was good to spend time with friends.

But when I got back , I heard so many gossips , stating I’m not grieving , I’m happy dancing and just wasting money , not wearing black etc etc.

I don’t know if your friend will burn through the money or not. But losing a husband / wife / partner is hard and everyone deals with it differently.

Maybe suggest it to her to go and see a financial advisor to plan something with her money ? What could bring some money in year after year ?

So all the friends are just leaving their kids?I wouldn’t go if I were you.Nothing you can do to help her save money though, she either will or won’t.

Your friend is clearly grieving and this windfall may have helped her pay off her mortgage but it’s already causing trouble.
Of course she can invite you on holiday and offer to pay. It’s always absolutely fine that you say no thanks.
It shouldn’t affect your friendship.
She already knows she’s not ‘great’ with money and is taking this situation personally.
You can offer as much advice as you want about investments etc but these behaviours aren’t rational, Anyone who behaves like this with money it is not about being ‘bad’ with money it’s an emotional response. It is their issue alone to deal with.
Let her have her holiday and let her know you are there for her when she gets back.
If she responses negatively again then give her some space.
So many people write on here that they come into money and friends then ask them for funds. You are doing the exact opposite and it’s caused offence. Which means money and friendships can be tough.
Let her grieve and let yourself breathe.

You are a very caring friend. Your phrase vultures circling round her is sadly very believable.

When my sister was widowed she decided on a new kitchen and bathroom, she went complete top dollar on both. I did suggest that it may not be the best idea, she took zero notice and I also think it was her way of coping with his death. She ended up selling 18 months later and downsizing after it was done and had a few very lean years.

It is probably the case that she wants it to be child free- nowt wrong with that. It nothing to do with your child. if this is her usual pattern then unlikely to change. I would not feel comfortable a friend paying for me either. How do the others feel? You have no control how she spends her money.

Perhaps suggest she meets with a financial adviser so hopefully the bulk of the cash ends up locked into savings.

You say you want,
She's a grown adult, her choices might not be what you'd agree with, but her choices.
She probably wants to enjoy time with and spoil her friends.
So just be there for her, if youd like to go away, arrange the time off.
And if she's a home owner, with a mortage, she would have to have life assurance, which would cover the remaining mortage on death.

Hello OP
Its lovely that you are concerned for your friend
All your concerns are valid
You highlight that she has had issues with getting into debt previously and has been bailed out.
150K is not a lot of money when she has already decided to spend it on cars and holidays for friends, it could be spent very quickly and easily.
I'm a very finacially frugal person and sadly I am increasingly seeing friends and family in a finacial mess in their 50's due to poor financial planning and management.
Can you explain to your friend that you just want her to be financially secure as she gets older. Can you suggest that she sees a finacial advisor, all the banks have them and will be very happy to advise and help her invest some of the money into ISA's etc
Also if its not instantly available the "vultures" will be put off.
Your situation brings to mind all the lottery winners who end up bankrupt after a few years.
I remember also being concerned about someones financial and mortgage situation. An older family member said to me, no matter how much you give them it will never be enough.
Good Luck OP I do feel your pain.

It think that given she is mortgage free, with a new car and presumably no other debt, and she doesn’t have children to have to consider educational expenses or inheritance that she isn’t actually being reckless by offering to take her friends on holiday. Presumably those friends have supported her during what must have been, and still is, an awful time in her life.

To have an income of £30/35k, even allowing for tax, when you have minimal outgoings isn’t someone in a situation that others need to try to have any input with. It’s also quite possible she will inherit her late husband’s pension.

She probably wants a blow out/relaxing week after the death of her husband so not wanting your kids there is understandable. You not being able to go is understandable too. She is probably calling you ungrateful because she’s hurting and lashing out. Grief is unique to us all

Completely within your rights to refuse because of the kids, but nothing to do with you how she spends her money.