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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was This Rude?

102 replies

BlubBlubImAFish · 16/10/2024 11:06

I was grabbing some breakfast in a cafe this morning on the way to work, nothing fancy, just a pot of fruit, toast and a poached egg. I was buttering my toast when a woman looked over my shoulder and said 'Oh that looks healthy' in quite a flat tone.

Now, I'm a size 20, and I'm also 6 months pregnant so currently the size and shape of an upright Shetland Pony and probably a bit over sensitive. I HATE people commenting on my food and what I eat because I've had it all my life and I did see red a bit but tried to stay polite.

I said 'oh.. thanks. I'm pregnant so don't care if it's healthy or not at the moment frankly!'.

She made some 'oh! right!' noises and I walked off.

She then followed me outside and across the carpark shouted 'EXCUSE ME! Just so you know I wasnt being sarcastic, it really did look healthy!!'

I was mortified, but just smiled and shouted back 'Oh it's ok honestly! Have a good day!' and disappeared.

Now I'm sitting with it and wondering if I was awful?? At the same time who comments on a random strangers food like that??

YABU - I was rude and over sensitive
YANBU - She shouldnt have commented on your food

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 16/10/2024 11:09

Some people are weird. HTH

Dotjones · 16/10/2024 11:14

YANBU. Sadly it's not just men that like to pass unsolicited comments on people going about their normal business.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 16/10/2024 11:15

I think she was a bit weird to comment - but maybe she'd ordered muffin or something, and was half thinking out loud to you because she saw yours and thought she should have got something she considered healthier.

I wouldn't have assumed she was being sarcastic about some toast and a poached egg.

Ginkypig · 16/10/2024 11:17

I don’t think she was being rude on purpose, she likely was just making small talk and it didn’t land correctly and the fact that she followed you out after makes me think that she realised that you thought she was and was mortified and wanted to make a point of telling you she wasn’t trying to be.

I'm obviously I am not saying you are wrong to not like having your food commented on

andfinallyhereweare · 16/10/2024 11:17

It’s the height of bad manners to comments on others food is what my nan always used to say. I hate people commenting on my food also.

SoManyTshirts · 16/10/2024 11:18

I don’t think you were rude but she was afraid she’d offended you. It’s the sort of thing I might say to a friend, without even thinking about their shape.

Radiat · 16/10/2024 11:18

I don’t know how to answer your poll, she shouldn’t really have said anything, but I imagine she was being genuine enough. I’m bigger too, so I understand being on your guard when eating in public. I think of poached egg, fruit and a wee bit of toast as a healthy breakfast, but I wouldn’t point it out to a random stranger.

Original poster
BlubBlubImAFish · 16/10/2024 11:20

I think she was being genuine and I think in the moment i interpreted it badly, honestly. I still maintain though that you just dont comment on a complete strangers food for this reason!

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 16/10/2024 11:20

I don't think she meant anything by it.

rookiemere · 16/10/2024 11:24

She probably meant nothing by it, but I make it a general rule never to make any comments about what people are eating unless it's a "That looks nice" to someone at work, as being a bit chunky my self it's easy to feel that people are judging you ( and in my DPs case, they would indeed be).

Createausername1970 · 16/10/2024 11:25

Healthy is an odd word to use.

I could hear myself saying "ooh, that looks tasty" or "mmm, that looks nice" if I felt the need to engage in idle small talk to stranger, but not "healthy". That does have sarcastic or preachy undertones.

Original poster
BlubBlubImAFish · 16/10/2024 11:42

Createausername1970 · 16/10/2024 11:25

Healthy is an odd word to use.

I could hear myself saying "ooh, that looks tasty" or "mmm, that looks nice" if I felt the need to engage in idle small talk to stranger, but not "healthy". That does have sarcastic or preachy undertones.

Yeah so in the moment it felt loaded somehow? like she was making a comment in surprise that a fat person eats fruit. To be fair to her again, that's probably my sensitivity because I've had those assumptions all my life to deal with so I'm hyper aware of how much people look and judge fat people they encounter in the wild. I am particularly round at the moment on account of the pregnancy so extra sensitive to it.

OP posts:
Socktopusses · 16/10/2024 11:47

Sounds like maybe she didn't intend to be rude, and didn't realise she had been - and then in the car park she was feeling bad and trying to put it right?

I also hate people commenting on my food - reasonable for you to react like that, also reasonable for her to yell across the car park as she was feeling bad.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 16/10/2024 13:11

She sounds like she was being rude then thought better of it after and felt the need to walk it back.

Don't worry yourself op, people are just dicks. You're doing fine - you should've seen what I ate when I was pregnant!! Xx

DerventioRising · 20/10/2024 22:38

It was a weird thing to say OP, and I suspect there were undertones to it even if she didn't intend to be rude. If your response makes her think twice before blurting out something inappropriate in future, then it's no bad thing.

CornishIrish · 20/10/2024 22:41

BlubBlubImAFish · 16/10/2024 11:06

I was grabbing some breakfast in a cafe this morning on the way to work, nothing fancy, just a pot of fruit, toast and a poached egg. I was buttering my toast when a woman looked over my shoulder and said 'Oh that looks healthy' in quite a flat tone.

Now, I'm a size 20, and I'm also 6 months pregnant so currently the size and shape of an upright Shetland Pony and probably a bit over sensitive. I HATE people commenting on my food and what I eat because I've had it all my life and I did see red a bit but tried to stay polite.

I said 'oh.. thanks. I'm pregnant so don't care if it's healthy or not at the moment frankly!'.

She made some 'oh! right!' noises and I walked off.

She then followed me outside and across the carpark shouted 'EXCUSE ME! Just so you know I wasnt being sarcastic, it really did look healthy!!'

I was mortified, but just smiled and shouted back 'Oh it's ok honestly! Have a good day!' and disappeared.

Now I'm sitting with it and wondering if I was awful?? At the same time who comments on a random strangers food like that??

YABU - I was rude and over sensitive
YANBU - She shouldnt have commented on your food

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. She just misjudged a comment and you quite reasonably responded. She was probably just making chit chat, it’s not awful
to comment on food but you within your rights to say what you did.

I do absolutely love a poached egg though.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 20/10/2024 22:46

BlubBlubImAFish · 16/10/2024 11:20

I think she was being genuine and I think in the moment i interpreted it badly, honestly. I still maintain though that you just dont comment on a complete strangers food for this reason!

Yes but you've decided 'You just don't comment on a stranger's food'.

Not everyone feels the same 🤷‍♂️

To many people food is just food.

JubilantTurquoiseGerbil · 20/10/2024 22:55

She’s probably one of these people who doesn’t have a filter and just blurts out whatever they’re thinking.

Twototwo15 · 20/10/2024 23:02

It probably didn’t occur to her that a harmless comment like that would offend anyone or that so many people were touchy about their food being commented on in any way, even in a positive or complimentary way. It obviously wasn’t meant in a sarcastic way.

TheBerry · 20/10/2024 23:03

I feel bad for her! Honestly yeah I think you were quite rude and overreacted a lot.

She probably just saw your food, thought it looked nice and healthy, and had a stab at making a human connection.

You took it wrong and clearly she was mortified by the thought that you thought she was being sarcastic which is why she tried to reassure you that she was being genuine. I mean, it would’ve been better if she’d left it at that point, but she was obviously worried about it.

Idk your initial reaction seems mad to me and I’m surprised so many people agree with what you said. I can’t really fathom responding with anything other than a smile and a “yes, healthy and delicious!” or whatever.

I think you let your sensitivities about food spill out. We all have our triggers, I get that, but this woman was only being friendly and making an attempt at small talk.

Leopardprintlover101 · 20/10/2024 23:18

Sounds like she said it without thinking, and then from your reaction realised how it came across and came after you to clarify.

I wouldn’t worry about it it sounds like she felt embarrassed but that isn’t your concern.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2024 23:21

People say this about my lunch every day at work. I have jacket spud, cheese and beans and salad and I get comments about it being a proper lunch and healthy and I just take it as a nice thing and a conversation starter.

Pandasnacks · 20/10/2024 23:22

It sounds like she made an innocent comment and you over reacted, and then outside she wanted to reassure you she wasn't being a cow. You were not awful but she did absolutely nothing wrong. It's not like she commented on your weight, she made conversation about food in a cafe, that's normal! 'Don't comment on other peoples food' isn't a thing, particularly in a cafe.

Marchitectmummy · 21/10/2024 00:29

Don't worry about it, sounds like she reflected and thought you had taken offence and didn't want to leave it that you were upset. All is fine she meant well, ypu meant well...

YenSon · 21/10/2024 07:11

Absolutely no need to comment on anyone else’s meals by referring to them as healthy/unhealthy. No one’s business. I guess some people might say ‘ooh, that looks nice’ but I think that’s different and doesn’t have the same connotation. Commenting about it being healthy/unhealthy is making some sort of assumption which doesn’t sit well with me either. I used to have an eating disorder and was very underweight. Those kind of comments can have a real impact on people.