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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel DD was just not ready for school

82 replies

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:00

DD was 4 end of August and started reception in September. I know it's only been a few weeks but she is like a different child.

She cries in the morning that she doesn't want to go, she wants to stay home with mummy. She says no one wants to play with her and told me another girl she sits next to pushes her.

When she gets home her behaviour is nothing I've seen before. She will cry, sit and scream kick things, hit people and bit DH yesterday. She shouts at us and tells DH she hates him. She only seems to respond to me, but even I'm getting to the end of my patience.

I let her sleep in on the weekend but her behaviour still isn't great then. I've never known her like it.

She is sleeping okay, but has started wanting to come to my bed again, she is waking in the night crying and shouting out she doesn't want to go, or she doesn't want to eat her lunch. I've tried talking to her the odd time she is being reasonable but she just says she doesn't like school and wants to stay with mummy, I've tried to narrow it down to see if it's anything specific but she hasn't said.

I've spoken to her teacher and she stated she has been a little tearful but overall fine, however the teacher did seemed rushed so not much chance for a proper chat. We do have parents evening first week of November.

It's crushing me seeing her so distressed. Is this normal for when they start school or was she just not ready and I should of deferred her a year?

OP posts:

Jukeboxjive · 15/10/2024 19:01

Defer! Definitely poor thing!

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 15/10/2024 19:03

I would have deferred too! I was an August baby, and still remember being utterly miserable for the first few months I was in school, so if it's allowed, I'd withdraw her and start again next year.

BarbaraHoward · 15/10/2024 19:03

Is this her first time away from you, or has she been at nursery/preschool?

It's very normal for them to be utterly shattered this first term, and if she's not sleeping it'll be even worse. I'd persevere tbh.

ETA, I would've chosen to defer originally with an August born (she'd be going next year here anyway) but I'm not sure if that's possible now. I'd be wary that if you pulled her out now she'll have a negative association with school and it won't be any better next year.

Notthebeard · 15/10/2024 19:03

That sounds awful, your poor daughter. Try to defer if you can, just turned 4 is so little and it doesn’t sound like she is enjoying it at all!!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/10/2024 19:03

In her case, I would definitely take her out 4 is too young imo.

Saying that, some of what you describe has been not alnfor our five yr old who started school on August. He was just absolutely knackered so was super emotional for 3+ every day after school. A real grump and very heightened emotionally. We just kept weekends to a minimum, don't ask much of him after school whilst he adjusts etc.

Id be raging if a kid was being mean to mine every day though. Would you like to go to work everyday and be bullied? That needs sorted out asap

Overthebow · 15/10/2024 19:04

I have a summer born too whose just started reception and to be honest haven’t had the same issues. I would be setting up a meeting with her teacher so that there’s time to talk about it properly. Did she go to nursery? What was she like there?

RosieFlamingo · 15/10/2024 19:04

As she's only just 4, could you ask about a part Time timetable. Send her into school in the morning so she can do phonics etc, but take her home after lunch? This would not need to be signed off by LA as she is not yet 5.

SnailAndAWhale · 15/10/2024 19:04

You can still defer her if you think it’s the right thing to do! I have an end of August girl too, she’s ‘due’ to start school next year but we’ve just had agreement from the head to defer her and to start reception in 2026 instead, when she’s 5 and days old rather than 4 and days old.

It’s a very personal decision but if you think it’s the right thing you can still do it, speak to the head / local authority and decide what’s best for her and you.

LoveWine123 · 15/10/2024 19:05

You can pull her out and start her again when she is at CSA age (i.e. 5 years old). Find the group Flexible Admissions for Summerborns on Facebook, lots of advice on how to do it.

Octavia64 · 15/10/2024 19:06

It's not normal

But deferring may not fix it.

Did she go to nursery/play school?

If she has never had significant time away from you or other trusted caregivers (grandparents) then this can happen,

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/10/2024 19:07

Aww bless her 😢 just 4 is so little and some do find school very difficult at first.

I would arrange a meeting with the teacher - don't wait for parents evening. This way, the teacher will have time to sit and talk through things with you.

Maybe see if they can accommodate a part time timetable for now. Perhaps just mornings, collect before lunch and then take her home. Gradually build up to full days.

StressedQueen · 15/10/2024 19:10

Poor thing 😥I definitely noticed a difference with my August born child compared to my other children who were already in school. She was only 4 and she was very, very similar to your daughter. Sometimes I wish I had deferred her but I think our situation was a bit different because she has always been like that a little. School just made it worse. She did eventually get used to school but it took her time and she's 9 and has been diagnosed with anxiety. She wants to finish primary school but we are thinking of home schooling her for secondary even though all my others are at secondary and love it.

I'd say maybe at least try to wait till November for parents evening. I don't really think deferring will help honestly. The same thing could easily happen again.

nosmartphone · 15/10/2024 19:10

What have her nursery said? Mine had no change at all from nursery to school. Granted it was on the same site which definitely helped . My daughter was nearly 5 when she started but could easily have started the year before age 3!

Does your child have additional needs? Have they even been to nursery?

Original poster

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:10

She did childminders Monday- Tuesday and Fridays from the age of one, then did preschool on the other days for 6 months. She loved the childminder but didn't particularly like pre school. The preschool she went to was attached to a different school as her current school doesn't have one.

OP posts:

TwentyFiveAndCounting · 15/10/2024 19:12

I was an August baby and my life was a constant disaster zone until I was moved back. Then everything was great.

Errors · 15/10/2024 19:13

It doesn’t sound normal to me OP but only have experience of one, September born child.
Has she done preschool or nursery before this?
Not sure about whether you should take her out or not. On the one hand, it would solve the immediate problem but then will she be even worse in a year’s time and will expect you to pull her out again but you won’t be able to??

Errors · 15/10/2024 19:14

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:10

Ok so it’s not like she has had no experience of being away from you and/or being in a pre school setting. I think I would come down on the side of taking her out, getting her back in to the same routine she has had before school if it’s possible?

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 15/10/2024 19:20

I would look at deferring. DD has just started reception, she is April born so not as young but still summer term and has coped well. Few issues with lunch but we have issues with food in the house as well so not surprised on that front.

She did attend the nursery in this school for 15 months before reception though. They did a very good transition and I think that's helped her so much.

Maria1979 · 15/10/2024 19:20

I think you need to talk to the teacher who is used to see different children going through stages. Tell her you're willing to defer DD IF that is what the teacher recommends. Some children take longer adapting. I was a Sahm and even if I made sure my DC played with other children I was always there for them if needed so starting school was traumatising for DS ND and hard for DS NT. It's really hard to go through as a parent but if they haven't had the separation process before they will have it later so at one point it would be hard. Didn't have the same problems at home though so your DD seems really distressed. I would ask for a meeting asap with school.

Jifmicroliquid · 15/10/2024 19:23

I wouldn’t say this was normal. I was a late July baby and thrived at school, but perhaps she just isn’t ready (there was no choice back in my day).
The only problem is, if you have this problem next year, you can’t remove her from school and that might confuse her/make her even worse.

Maybe arrange a meeting with the teacher?

Carmamma · 15/10/2024 19:26

This is all very normal. Some children cope better than others but I would stick it out. Especially as she’s fine at school. She will adjust. If you pull her out now you’ll likely have the same issues in the future imo!

GirlMumGabby · 15/10/2024 19:26

My DD turned 4 in August. She has settled very well. We have had a few mornings when she has cried and refused to go in. I've brought her bed time forward by half hour and that's really helped.
I think my DD has settled because her school is on the same site as her nursery and she has friends she started with.
If it was me, I would ask to do half days. There are some children in DDs class that are doing part time. Maybe you could do half days and introduce some full days after Christmas.

Freshersfluforyou · 15/10/2024 19:28

Are you ensuring you are positive about school for your daughter OP?
I'd be saying oh mummy has a boring day today, boring jobs to do etc.

As a PP has said id worry if you pull her out now you will reinforce that school is bad and something she can say she doesn't want to do, when the reality is at some point she'll likely need to go.

Its quite unusual by 4 for children to find being with mummy all day better than getting to play with other children - genuinely having some experience myself spending time in early years 90% of the kids come in happily by October and its not especially the summer borns crying at the door. Is there nothing she likes about school at all that you can draw out and focus on?

InTheRainOnATrain · 15/10/2024 19:28

Maybe it’s just an adjustment if she only did preschool for 6 months, 2 days a week and presumably with a long break over the summer holiday before starting school. I would arrange a meeting with the teacher ASAP, don’t wait for November. See what they say and go from there. Since she’s not compulsory school yet you do have options if you all agree she’s just not ready yet. They’re all different- my DS’s class has a spread from a deferred April born to a September who has started early.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/10/2024 19:31

Are you in a position where she could go part time until next year when school attendance is mandatory (unless formally home educated).

I’d be worried that pulling her out completely now would store up trouble for next year. .

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