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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel DD was just not ready for school

82 replies

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:00

DD was 4 end of August and started reception in September. I know it's only been a few weeks but she is like a different child.

She cries in the morning that she doesn't want to go, she wants to stay home with mummy. She says no one wants to play with her and told me another girl she sits next to pushes her.

When she gets home her behaviour is nothing I've seen before. She will cry, sit and scream kick things, hit people and bit DH yesterday. She shouts at us and tells DH she hates him. She only seems to respond to me, but even I'm getting to the end of my patience.

I let her sleep in on the weekend but her behaviour still isn't great then. I've never known her like it.

She is sleeping okay, but has started wanting to come to my bed again, she is waking in the night crying and shouting out she doesn't want to go, or she doesn't want to eat her lunch. I've tried talking to her the odd time she is being reasonable but she just says she doesn't like school and wants to stay with mummy, I've tried to narrow it down to see if it's anything specific but she hasn't said.

I've spoken to her teacher and she stated she has been a little tearful but overall fine, however the teacher did seemed rushed so not much chance for a proper chat. We do have parents evening first week of November.

It's crushing me seeing her so distressed. Is this normal for when they start school or was she just not ready and I should of deferred her a year?

OP posts:

RaspberryCombat · 15/10/2024 19:32

This is really upsetting for you all. I really am not meaning to teacher-bash here but I am surprised that the teacher hasn’t taken this more seriously / devoted enough time to talk to you about it for you not to feel she was ‘in a rush’. Did you describe the problem to the teacher as you’ve described it here? My DS is in Y1 now but the reception teachers would have bent over backwards to help in this situation, even if very little of the impact was showing up within school.

Original poster

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:34

My worry is she will just be the same next year and then I will be out of options. I didn't realise we had the option of doing a part time timetable. I did ask her if she wanted to go back to her childminders instead if school but she told me no, she's would rather go to school, but then tells me she hates school

OP posts:

Original poster

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:37

I also don't think it helps I WFH so she knows I'm at home all day.

OP posts:

DrSeussPHD · 15/10/2024 19:38

Could you do a reduced timetable? Just do mornings for five days or three full days a week? She doesn't have to legally be in school until she's 5.

SussexLass87 · 15/10/2024 19:44

Former reception teacher here - if you have concerns then book in for a proper meeting with the teacher so you can discuss things without being rushed.

Have you heard of post school restraint collapse? Something that both of my children had when they started school.

I'm sorry she's struggling - it's awful to see when you're a parent!

Gingerisgoodforyou · 15/10/2024 19:45

I'm not sure pulling out and deferring is an easy option, but I would ask immediately if you're considering it - I think there's a cut off date in Oct, after which it's difficult to defer as they're officially on role (though not impossible).

But def look into part time options as you don't need permission for this under 5.

I dont think it's storing up problems at all, just taking a gentler approach which it sounds like she needs (if you can accommodate it).

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 15/10/2024 19:48

My DD is the youngest in her year & coped really well, she always played with older kids at nursery too though & I went back to work when she was 9 months so she was used to being away from me. I would schedule a proper meeting with the teacher before you make any decisions, it may be that she needs more support at school & I know my DDs school had a nurture group which really focused on feelings & wellbeing, maybe something similar would help? Also, I would lie to her & tell her you're going into the office for work- its a white lie but it might help her realise nobody is home having fun. Some kids just don't like school & struggle, but it can be made easier for her so ask for help if you need it. I would also try a reward chart, NOT for school behaviour but for home. Speak to school, they'll want her to be happy too.

YourLastNerve · 15/10/2024 19:53

Only you know your child. My late August DD was absolutely fine. Her December born friend was the one crying at drop off.

Was she used to being dropped off by you regularly at nursery or preschool?

School in reception is very similar to preschool, its all EYFS.

Original poster

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:58

SussexLass87 · 15/10/2024 19:44

Former reception teacher here - if you have concerns then book in for a proper meeting with the teacher so you can discuss things without being rushed.

Have you heard of post school restraint collapse? Something that both of my children had when they started school.

I'm sorry she's struggling - it's awful to see when you're a parent!

Never heard of it but just googled it and it's definitely similar to how she's acting.

I think one if the triggers is me not picking her up. Sometimes I can get her depending on my work schedual, but DH works until 14.30 purposely to do pick up.

I do tell her on drop off who will be picking her up, but she does seem worse on dad's days.

I was thinking about doing after school club on the days I'm not free to collect and then I could do pick ups every day, but on the other hand i don't want to extend her school day when she already hates it.

OP posts:

MumOfOneAllAlone · 15/10/2024 20:05

Im sorry to read this - i know it must be hard for you to see your baby upset.

I'd see whether you could immediately reduce the timetable, and see how she copes, with the view that if she can't cope, you'd pull her out until next year.

It's upsetting to hear about a kid pushing her 🥺 - I'd definitely be bringing it up

I'd pursue this with some haste as well as its almost half term

Best of luck OP x

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2024 20:06

Er yes

Defer

YourLastNerve · 15/10/2024 20:07

was thinking about doing after school club on the days I'm not free to collect and then I could do pick ups every day, but on the other hand i don't want to extend her school day when she already hates it.

Don't do this. Instead make sure she's getting plenty of good quality time with her dad, it's important she has a strong bond with him & doesn't view him as a poor substitute for you.

Also be wary, it might not be what you think bothering her. My dd briefly wasnt sure about school and it was the lunches that were the issue. We swapped her to pack ups and it got miles better very quickly. She was ending up at the back of the dinner queue, hated the food so sat taking ages eating it and was missing most of her play time as a result, it was impacting her ability to make friends.

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2024 20:07

I also don't think it helps I WFH so she knows I'm at home all day

She doesn't need to know that you're in the house??

HaveYouSeenRain · 15/10/2024 20:08

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:34

I have a summer born girl and we did part time for most of YR. we did mornings and lunch and then she came home or went to the childminder for a nap. She was overwhelmed by school, the noises, thr amount of children. She is in Y5 now and academically thriving. Loves school and a happy child. No regrets.

greenday16B · 15/10/2024 20:11

post school restraint collapse

God, what are we doing to children? I was so happy when mine started school but it was horrible really. It's not nice. OP I would be tempted to stick it out but absolutely cut everything right back to the the very bare minimum. Very quiet evenings, meal, play , bed.

HumphreysCorner · 15/10/2024 20:11

We have two August 30th twins in reception who are doing really well but understand your concerns x

Spuck · 15/10/2024 20:21

@YourLastNerve THIS! My ds is in nursery and I had a really stressful time getting him there at one point, turned out to be the lunch! He just didn’t like the food and was nervous all because of lunchtime. He still gets like it but now he’s a bit older he often tells me ‘mummy, please tell the teachers I’m not eating their lunch’. He needs that reassurance every so often, even though he now brings his own!

Gremlins101 · 15/10/2024 20:32

I would defer.

I'm in ireland so both mine 5.5 years starting school which is much gentler.

My neice and nephew in UK were in your daughters situation as late August babies and both suffered emotionally and academically.

Anon22224 · 15/10/2024 20:38

this is different to your situation but similar in some ways,

My daughter was like this before school started for the entire summer and for multiple periods before this. We were extremely worried about her. She started school and is a different child, extremely happy, no more biting or hitting, no behaviour issues whatsoever and it’s so wonderful to see, she tells us all about her day, she is desperate to go to school and is relaxed and happy at the weekends.

We deeply regret keeping her at the nursery she was in. We had no idea that was the predominant cause of her distress. They always told us she was happy.

It seems extremely clear in this case that there is a direct cause and I’m so sad I didn’t listen to my daughter when she was clearly trying to tell us how upset she was.

greenday16B · 15/10/2024 20:41

I don't think its a simple as birth month. I had a friend and the little girl was just 4 when she started school. Absolutely fine. Others with Spring birthdays struggled. Why can't they just bloody play?

Thischangeseverything · 15/10/2024 20:43

I think I'd look in to deferring, but would also want to know more about the girl who pushes her.

My child occasionally mentioned a child negatively in their first term. In the second term this other child thankfully wasn't in the same class and my child was soooo much happier. Turned out my child was literally terrified of this child and I later saw the fear reaction as we bumped into the other child one day in the park.

Mimiconvos · 15/10/2024 20:44

I’m an August baby too and I started at just 4, I can still remember the fear and being miserable. I just wasn’t ready. I cried everyday in school and really struggled to mix. I didn’t do preschool, it’s over 40 years ago so that was a huge part of my issues. My own kids all started at 5+.i would be arranging a meeting with the school or defer for another year. My heart goes out to her and to you x

SussexLass87 · 15/10/2024 21:24

Outandabout43 · 15/10/2024 19:58

Never heard of it but just googled it and it's definitely similar to how she's acting.

I think one if the triggers is me not picking her up. Sometimes I can get her depending on my work schedual, but DH works until 14.30 purposely to do pick up.

I do tell her on drop off who will be picking her up, but she does seem worse on dad's days.

Show quote history

I hope it helps OP!

Fivebyfive2 · 15/10/2024 21:27

Really sorry you're all going through the ringer @Outandabout43 . It might just be as she's settling in, even for kids used to nursery/childcare it's a massive change.

You just don't know how it's going to go.

My son has gone up to reception with 3 friends from his pre school and deferring was mentioned for all 3 - in my sons case only in that "it's a shame he can't be deferred" because despite him being a Dec birthday, he has some additional needs and we were worried about how he'd cope. The other 2 are summer borns, a boy with an august birthday and a girl with a May birthday.

August boy is doing well, as expected. My son is thriving which everyone (including me and DH) is, quite frankly, completely amazed by. The girl with the May birthday is struggling but hopefully she'll be ok, it's just been a big adjustment.

Keep afternoons/evenings and weekends as chill as possible and try and have a proper chat with her teacher. See if any adjustments can be made to help her feel more comfortable maybe?

AgileGreenSeal · 15/10/2024 21:28

She’s too young. Poor wee girl 😢

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