To feel DD was just not ready for school

[Outandabout43]

DD was 4 end of August and started reception in September. I know it's only been a few weeks but she is like a different child.

She cries in the morning that she doesn't want to go, she wants to stay home with mummy. She says no one wants to play with her and told me another girl she sits next to pushes her.

When she gets home her behaviour is nothing I've seen before. She will cry, sit and scream kick things, hit people and bit DH yesterday. She shouts at us and tells DH she hates him. She only seems to respond to me, but even I'm getting to the end of my patience.

I let her sleep in on the weekend but her behaviour still isn't great then. I've never known her like it.

She is sleeping okay, but has started wanting to come to my bed again, she is waking in the night crying and shouting out she doesn't want to go, or she doesn't want to eat her lunch. I've tried talking to her the odd time she is being reasonable but she just says she doesn't like school and wants to stay with mummy, I've tried to narrow it down to see if it's anything specific but she hasn't said.

I've spoken to her teacher and she stated she has been a little tearful but overall fine, however the teacher did seemed rushed so not much chance for a proper chat. We do have parents evening first week of November.

It's crushing me seeing her so distressed. Is this normal for when they start school or was she just not ready and I should of deferred her a year?

I tend to think it’s the kid and not their age. Both my twins were rather similar to this and it took a LONG time to settle down. They are December born so among the oldest and neither have social or emotional difficulties usually. School is a big adjustment and she’s only been there a month.

I totally agree with this!

Personally I wouldn't fully defer because I think re-starting would be hard for her next year.

But I'd ask about a part time attendance. CSA at age 5, so perhaps just going for the mornings?

Aww this sounds awful. Definitely sounds a bit like restraint collapse. It's all so new and overwhelming for them. The classes are so big compared to CM or nursery.
My eldest is August born and she started reception last year. She was very tired at first and often napped at the weekend to catch up. We couldn't do anything on evenings - just chill, food and early nights. She was really cranky, emotional and the meltdowns of toddlerdom seemed to continue especially in mornings.
This all did get better over time.
Now she's 5 and in year 1 she's like an absolutely different child - and I do think there is a huge difference in that 1 year. We also had a lot of toilet issues which, now she's a year older, have all resolved.
Your DD sounds really distressed and I think you've had some good advice - speak to the teacher. Try get out of DD any specifics of what she hates about school. I always got "I don't know" but I'd ask specific things to get answers. Who did you play with today? What did you have for your dinner? Did you do any playing today - what is the name of the person you played with? Etc.

Also, make sure the things that might be causing the crankiness are explored. Stick a few snacks in her bag to make sure she's eating enough. (Mine just get distracted, go off to play, then dinner time is over and they're hangry later because mum wasn't watching over them telling them to bloody concentrate on their food)
Give her a drink she likes so she's hydrated. You could let her take something to school to remind her of you to comfort her such as a special teddy if allowed, or draw a heart on her hand and one on yours so when she looks at it she knows you're thinking of her.
Early nights, keep evenings as chill as possible so enough sleep is had. Allow some down time and free play.
Let them have choices, and call the shots when they're at home - they have to spend all day behaving and being told what to do. Give them back some control at home by maybe "letting things go" a bit more. For example we always had battles about cleaning teeth, or one more biscuit, some nights if she was just past it I let her skip teeth occasionally (not all the time, just picked my battles) and it did help.

If things don't improve I'd definitely take her out or reduce the timetable a bit if possible as it sounds like she's not coping if it's ongoing!

Good luck xx

I remember telling mine he had a special golden cloak he could put on if things were too much.
His snack banana would come home because nobody would help him open it. He was dehydrated for sure.
The expectations are beyond ridiculous.
I think OP, no clubs, no nothing. Quiet times.

Also look into the school’s reputation. If she’s pushed and the teacher doesn’t say anything, or if nobody plays with her and again the teachers don’t intervene with group games etc, maybe it’s not the right school for her. Is there another school in the area she can attend probably from next year?

She’s also very young, deferring for a year might be beneficial. If she hates school, she will never enjoy it and it will affect her mental health for years to come.

Defer!! My daughter was exactly this and we let it go on to Year 1 - where things get tougher and play stops, she HATED it and cried for a whole year leaving me. We started her at another school back in reception - best thing we've ever done!! I feel like you will never be disadvantaged being the oldest kid in the class - but certainly can be being the youngest! She just wasn’t ready.

Defer definitely

We did and made it work childcare-wise

All 3 of my children have late summer birthdays... 2 are now at med school and doing well there, 1 is a human rights lawyer... all happy, all sailed through the state school system

My daughter started school and she has just turned 4. She did fine. Looking back at it now she is 17 it was far too early to start school. It did take her time to make friends and she didn't talk all day at school. I remember her year one teacher asking if there was anything was wrong. I nearly cried. She's doing great now and hàs lots of wonderful friends. Doing brilliantly academically. It took her until year 4 to make great friends but if I had my time again I wish I could have left her at home another year. They survive and it does work out but make home life exciting and fun. She'll come through it and she will fly

Some of this could be normal starting reception behaviour.
I think pulling her out of school completely is quite drastic, why don't you set up a meeting with school and have a proper chat about it. They can tell you properly what she's like during the day and if she's coping with the learning.
They might be willing to let her go part time for a while so you can see if that improves things.
Of course if you still feel like deferring would be best after talking it through with the school then you can still do that.

Defer op.

I know going back next year would have to be managed but it sounds like it would be worth it.

My son (July born) had a hard time in reception as he just couldnt sit and listen. It's ended up colouring his whole schooling as he just thought of himself as the naughty one, and the "dumb" (His word) one from week one. He is neither of these things but it affected his self esteem massively.

If I could go back, I'd defer. I tried to at the time, before he started, but it wasn't common then and i was dissuaded by the school.

It may be too early to assess and in no way saying this is it, but because girls are overlooked and so not seen so often, please educate yourself on autism in girls and look for signs. Meltdowns at home can be autistic overloads from stress of masking all day at school plus sensory overloads.

so many clues in retrospect for my own child when I look back at primary school but it wasn’t until secondary (and private school whose SEND team actually cared, along with a supportive GP) that it was identified.

Do you have the option to defer for a year, even though she’s started school now? If so, I would consider doing that as it sounds like she is really struggling. I mean it’s normal for reception children to be tired and sometimes a bit teary after school / in the evenings during the first term, but I think it sounds like she is beyond that level of upset. It may be that she just isn’t ready for school yet. Being one of the oldest in a school year can have huge benefits for children. Having said that my eldest is summer born, has always been the youngest in his school year but he was always fine both academically and in sports. He is smaller than most of his friends, but he is also almost a year younger than several of them. However he is at the top of his class academically and on all the school’s competitive sports teams, so being the youngest hasn’t negatively affected him at all. My youngest is one of the oldest in his school year, but there’s no difference between their ‘success’ at school really, and never has been. You know your own child best - I wouldn’t have deferred DS1 even if it had been an option back then to the extent it is now, but had he struggled then I absolutely would have done.

I suggest getting a copy of the book “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine M Aron. I first discovered about being a HSP myself after reading her book for highly sensitive adults. I am an Introvert which most HSPs are, and your daughter may be an introvert too. The fact that you said she liked being with the Child minder but not pre-school makes me think your daughter’s “problems” may simply be caused by natural traits of Introversion and Sensitivity and therefore she is reacting normally to the mainstream system of school which is geared towards extroverts and those who have regular nervous systems.

Just four is hard. I know schools/government want DC in school earlier and earlier but it doesn't suit every child. My son was September born and did not go to school until he was just short of five - but this is forty years ago! I was a teacher and I don't think 4 year olds should be in school. If you can defer, I would.

Sorry for not quite understanding but if you defer does that mean your child will always be held back a year?? So when they should be in year 5, for example, they’re only year 4? And go to secondary school a year late, at 12 not 11? I’d try and persevere personally, I wouldn’t want my child to be singled out for being ‘a year behind’. I have a July born and now at 16 she would never have forgiven me for keeping her back a year!!

Defer

She's so little! My DD was born in early September so had almost a year on her friend who was born the following August. It really makes a difference. I think we should adopt a more European model of Kindergarten until children are 6 or 7 but that's only my opinion.

I have to say my March born child is doing much better in reception than my three summer born children did. They weren't quite as affected as your DD but they were highly emotional and seemed to struggle to settle in more. It really does make a difference in the first couple of years I think. I would start off by speaking to the teacher, she may be able to make some small changes to help your dad settle in and it could be all she needs, they will be used to dealing with summer born children and know they need a bit more support than the older ones

My January born eldest was like this despite being one of the eldest in the year. Itt was overwhelming for her despite being in nursery 3 full days. It was the step in expectations. She was a cheeky little thing in nursery- ruling the roost with her friends and always in trouble. At school she was terrified of being told off.

Look up post restraint collapse, its most definitely a thing for some children. It's a sign that they are struggling. My 4yo was throwing things at us some night and lashing out. The other thing that happens is thry get tired towards the end of term - thry are on their knees after 6 weeks in school and desparate for a break

We kept things very quiet and undemanding at home for that first term. Got her home, snack and drink and time to chill. No extra clubs or big events on the weekend.

We also did loads of work on emiotion and feelings.

My summer born child wasn't like this but definitely found it physically more challenging - lots of falling asleep in the car/ on the sofa. The combination of young fir the year and feeling overwhelmed must be so hard for them.

I’m a June child and to be honest I think I would have benefitted from starting school a year later.

My DD is an August baby. She was in a kindergarten until the summer she turned 5 (3 long mornings a week) and then went straight into Y1 at 5 and a few days. It worked really well for her.
If your child is deeply unhappy I would definitely look at alternatives such as PT or retry next year. Doesn't benefit anyone to keep pushing her when she is clearly miserable at such a young age.

Ds was born end of July - he cried every day for at least 30 minutes when he came home. It was heart-breaking. I didn't have a choice on differing him at the time. Socially he struggled too. I still regret his educational experience - he now tells me to forget it and move on but I feel he was failed by the system and it took a lot to get him back on track.

The other way to look at it - being the youngest means your dd will be one of the last to get her driver's licence, the last to be able to go out clubbing - she'll start to feel left out of activities. In age-based activities, they are the last to progress to the next levels, like in Beavers and Scouts. So many experiences where being the youngest is frustrating for them. They of course will survive but at the time they certainly aren't glad to be last.

She could be missing the friends she made.

I would consider changing her school to the one attached to the Pre-School over deferring her as she may be the same next year. She’s been taken away from everything she’s ever known so it’s a really big adjustment for her, on top of just turning 4 bless her.