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Original poster

Is it weaponised incompetence or are men just rubbish?

114 replies

NarnianQueen · 15/10/2024 10:35

I absolutely believe that men pretend they can't do things like cooking or laundry without making a disaster of it, so they won't be asked again, but now I'm starting to wonder... I've seen so many men struggle with simple tasks when it really isn't going to benefit them to do it badly. Sometimes I think it's because they believe their way of doing it is the proper way, and everyone else is bodging it. My dh will meticulously place items in the dishwasher, taking 40 minutes to stack it, whereas I would take 5-10 minutes to shove it in - probably not to his liking, but perfectly adequately. But it's one of his jobs (his choice!) so I know he's not doing it slowly to make me take over. Same with guys at work - I work in events, and there can be lots of waiting around - when a man's in charge we all just stand around, when a woman is running it, she will always say "While we're waiting for the lights, let's sort out x..." You get so much more done.
They genuinely seem to struggle with things that women just get on with! Anyone else notice similar?

OP posts:
FelixtheAardvark · 15/10/2024 10:43

At the risk of mansplaining, it's not incompetence in may cases, it's total and utter indifference.
It's something we don't care about so we devote no thought or effort to it.
"Weaponised incompetence" sounds like too much hard work.

Smurf1993 · 15/10/2024 15:17

I think people see malice where it's just incompetence a lot of the time.

Especially on Mumsnet people like to shout WEAPONISED INCOMPETENCE whenever a man has been useless but ultimately he's just being useless and there's no sexist agenda.

I would note that I see plenty of WEAPONISED incompetence from women who know they can get people to just do it for them by batting their eyelids but I'm sure that would be an unpopular opinion here.

Chowtime · 15/10/2024 15:20

"Weaponised incompetence" sounds like too much hard work. 😀

Comedycook · 15/10/2024 15:20

I've noticed that when my dh has to carry out a household task... loading the dishwasher, hanging out the laundry etc he will do it 100 times better than me...but imo thats because hes only focusing on that task. Whereas if I'm loading the dishwasher, I'm also probably making dinner, wiping down the surfaces and helping DD with her homework at the same time.

Newuser75 · 15/10/2024 15:23

Comedycook · 15/10/2024 15:20

I've noticed that when my dh has to carry out a household task... loading the dishwasher, hanging out the laundry etc he will do it 100 times better than me...but imo thats because hes only focusing on that task. Whereas if I'm loading the dishwasher, I'm also probably making dinner, wiping down the surfaces and helping DD with her homework at the same time.

Yes! Mine too. Lie he has al the time in the world to fold the washing up so it looks like it's going to be sold in a shop rather than me just quickly folding it.
Mind you, even when he does fold the washing up perfectly he still doesn't ever seem to put it away!

CheerfulBunny · 15/10/2024 15:26

@Comedycook This. For example, my OH will clean the bathroom once a year to a forensic degree (and then tell me how I should be doing it) whereas I do it every other day to a basic level which goes unnoticed. He expects a biscuit (thank you) when he does domestic stuff where I just get on with it, mostly.

Hatty65 · 15/10/2024 15:27

I've not seen this, to be honest. Most men I know are perfectly capable, rounded adults. Dh is very practical.

Why would you settle for being married to an 'incompetent' human being? I struggle to see how anyone could spend 40 minutes loading a dishwasher. That was one of the DCs jobs and they managed it in about 5 mins whilst still in primary school.

HumanbyDesign · 15/10/2024 15:28

Mine is moderately incompetent at most "household" chores due to not concentrating on them - as pp has said it's complete indifference. He doesn't GAF if he hangs the clothes crappy or vacuums badly as he doesn't really care about the outcome 🤷🏼‍♀️ for eg have you ever unexpectedly visited the bathroom in a male-only household?? It's pretty grim 🤢 they just don't care, FME.

In reality I struggle not to take it personally I admit 🤣

MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 15:29

My dh will meticulously place items in the dishwasher, taking 40 minutes to stack it, whereas I would take 5-10 minutes to shove it in - probably not to his liking, but perfectly adequately. But it's one of his jobs (his choice!) so I know he's not doing it slowly to make me take over.

Well no, sure, BUT if it takes him 45 minutes then, when you're looking at the overall volume of tasks you've each done he can say, "well, I spent an hour cleaning the kitchen" so of course, you can't ask him to ALSO do the washing .....

I do often think this isn't on purpose though. It's a socialised lens through which men view the world. They are taught, and experience, that they have more control over their lives and their worlds from day 1. So it honestly doesn't occur to them that, actually, taking 45 minutes to do the dishwasher is ridiculous and is taking away from 20 other tasks that need doing.

FiveTreeHill · 15/10/2024 15:29

I think a lot of the time it's just arrogance or laziness not deliberately doing things badly

"Silly women doing silly tasks, wasting silly energy thinking about it". Or again thinking household tasks aren't important, and not wanting to put the energy in or expecting others to

Valeyard14 · 15/10/2024 15:41

I would note that I see plenty of WEAPONISED incompetence from women who know they can get people to just do it for them by batting their eyelids but I'm sure that would be an unpopular opinion here.

This is the only time I have been aware of such a concept.

Beezknees · 15/10/2024 15:43

No, I do not believe they genuinely struggle with it. They're just lazy and don't think it's important.

JaninaDuszejko · 15/10/2024 15:45

Well no, sure, BUT if it takes him 45 minutes then, when you're looking at the overall volume of tasks you've each done he can say, "well, I spent an hour cleaning the kitchen" so of course, you can't ask him to ALSO do the washing .....

DH and I do the same number of tasks but he definitely takes a lot longer to do his then complains he has no free time. If he's doing something out of the ordinary (e g. we cleaned the bathroom because our cleaner was off sick when we had visitors due) I now tell him how long he's got to do the job or he'd take 2 hours to clean a bathroom that the cleaner can clean in 15 minutes. It will be spotless when he's done of course but it's unnecessary.

GinAndJuice99 · 15/10/2024 15:46

You throwing everything in the dishwasher willy nilly might save time but it might also lead to problems down the line.

The stuff might come out still dirty and need scrubbing
Failure to rinse might lead to a blocked drain
Things might break or chip
Items placed the wrong way around might retain dirty soapy water

Thought about all that, then? Mmm?

Dollybantree · 15/10/2024 15:48

He spends 40 mins loading the dishwasher? That’s not normal and I struggle to see how anyone could drag that job out for so long, but let him have at it if it’s what he enjoys!

Ive just come to realise that there are only certain jobs dh can be trusted with - emptying the bins and basic diy mainly. It only drives me slightly insane bc he earns a lot of money and I don’t earn anything so it evens itself out! If I was going out to work to I wouldn’t put up with it, it’d be too annoying.

DiscontentedPig · 15/10/2024 15:50

My wife once drove to town and back on a flat tyre, with a flashing message on the dashboard the whole time telling her to stop safely and check the tyres.

Is it weaponised incompetence or are different people good at different things?

Timelash · 15/10/2024 15:50

Does he actually take 40 minutes to load a dishwasher? I mean literally 40 minutes?

If so there is something very, very wrong, and he should maybe see a doctor.

whatkatydid2014 · 15/10/2024 15:51

Valeyard14 · 15/10/2024 15:41

I would note that I see plenty of WEAPONISED incompetence from women who know they can get people to just do it for them by batting their eyelids but I'm sure that would be an unpopular opinion here.

This is the only time I have been aware of such a concept.

I think there is absolutely a thing from some men and some women where they take advantage of the assumption of a decent chunk of the opposite sex that they will be useless at a given task.

MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 15:53

JaninaDuszejko · 15/10/2024 15:45

Well no, sure, BUT if it takes him 45 minutes then, when you're looking at the overall volume of tasks you've each done he can say, "well, I spent an hour cleaning the kitchen" so of course, you can't ask him to ALSO do the washing .....

DH and I do the same number of tasks but he definitely takes a lot longer to do his then complains he has no free time. If he's doing something out of the ordinary (e g. we cleaned the bathroom because our cleaner was off sick when we had visitors due) I now tell him how long he's got to do the job or he'd take 2 hours to clean a bathroom that the cleaner can clean in 15 minutes. It will be spotless when he's done of course but it's unnecessary.

Yes, exactly. Admittedly, in the middle of the all-too-common-covid relationship stress, DH once spent 4 hours vacuuming the house (which he'd been saying he'd do for DAYS, and hadn't). Let's just say things didn't go well because a) he honestly thought I should drop to my knees in gratitude for his efforts and b) he was even more upset when I was not only ungrateful, but complained as he hadn't bothered to do any of the corners which I had specifically been complaining about.

Maray1967 · 15/10/2024 15:54

GinAndJuice99 · 15/10/2024 15:46

You throwing everything in the dishwasher willy nilly might save time but it might also lead to problems down the line.

The stuff might come out still dirty and need scrubbing
Failure to rinse might lead to a blocked drain
Things might break or chip
Items placed the wrong way around might retain dirty soapy water

Thought about all that, then? Mmm?

There’s a happy medium though isn’t there? Mine is well stacked with none of those problems, and I rinse very dirty plates and cutlery, but I’m very fast at doing it. 40
minutes is a complete joke.

My DH does one thing at a time - stands there while the kettle is on, doing nothing else. It’s very rare that I do that - there’s usually something else that can be done .

PsychoHotSauce · 15/10/2024 15:57

FelixtheAardvark · 15/10/2024 10:43

At the risk of mansplaining, it's not incompetence in may cases, it's total and utter indifference.
It's something we don't care about so we devote no thought or effort to it.
"Weaponised incompetence" sounds like too much hard work.

As a woman, I agree with your male assessment Grin

Put simply, its not that deep. Men don't sit and plot about doing a shit job with the end goal of not being asked again. If it doesn't directly and immediately benefit them, they just superficially do the job even if its a terrible execution. Then it's ticked off, and they can move onto stuff that does immediately and directly benefit them.

I did the weaponised incompetence as a teenager. My mum wasn't having any of it. But it's a whole different thought process to simply going through the motions expediently.

username3678 · 15/10/2024 16:00

I've never come across this but what I have noticed is women who assume men will be crap and 1. Have their own standards 2. Think it will be easier to do it themselves 3. Take over. 4. Appoint themselves house manager.

FiveTreeHill · 15/10/2024 16:03

DiscontentedPig · 15/10/2024 15:50

My wife once drove to town and back on a flat tyre, with a flashing message on the dashboard the whole time telling her to stop safely and check the tyres.

Is it weaponised incompetence or are different people good at different things?

I don't think anyone's saying you can't make mistakes. But if you cannot learn very simple tasks then wither you are incompetent or deliberately shit.

Once is the key word there. But yes if your wife continues to drive on flat tires, wrecking her wheels and costing you time and money she is either incompetent or deliberately shit

FiveTreeHill · 15/10/2024 16:05

PsychoHotSauce · 15/10/2024 15:57

As a woman, I agree with your male assessment Grin

Put simply, its not that deep. Men don't sit and plot about doing a shit job with the end goal of not being asked again. If it doesn't directly and immediately benefit them, they just superficially do the job even if its a terrible execution. Then it's ticked off, and they can move onto stuff that does immediately and directly benefit them.

I did the weaponised incompetence as a teenager. My mum wasn't having any of it. But it's a whole different thought process to simply going through the motions expediently.

Show quote history

Basically men are just very lazy and selfish?

I don't think your explanation is better than weaponised incompetence. It's just being lazy and selfish

Frowningprovidence · 15/10/2024 16:05

When I first started work mum said to me 'you will never see the men run to get things done so don't you run either'

I think men are socialised to do one thing at a time and focus on it and to set thier own pace, wheras women are sort of told they are good at multi tasking even if they are not.