Is it weaponised incompetence or are men just rubbish?

[NarnianQueen]

I absolutely believe that men pretend they can't do things like cooking or laundry without making a disaster of it, so they won't be asked again, but now I'm starting to wonder... I've seen so many men struggle with simple tasks when it really isn't going to benefit them to do it badly. Sometimes I think it's because they believe their way of doing it is the proper way, and everyone else is bodging it. My dh will meticulously place items in the dishwasher, taking 40 minutes to stack it, whereas I would take 5-10 minutes to shove it in - probably not to his liking, but perfectly adequately. But it's one of his jobs (his choice!) so I know he's not doing it slowly to make me take over. Same with guys at work - I work in events, and there can be lots of waiting around - when a man's in charge we all just stand around, when a woman is running it, she will always say "While we're waiting for the lights, let's sort out x..." You get so much more done.
They genuinely seem to struggle with things that women just get on with! Anyone else notice similar?

My dh seems to make jobs harder with his incompetence. He is a tradesman but he can't do any DIY at home. When he put up a curtain pole he didn't move the toy box so filled it with dust. Much easier to fill it with dust then clean the toys then move the toy box. He also has to unclog the odd fatburg and moans about the stupid chefs, but happily puts fat over the washing up in our sink both clogging the sink and then clogging the dishwasher. Much easier to take the u bend off the sink and the side panel of the dishwaher to unclog it than drain the fat into a bowl. Sometimes he serves the fat up to kids.

Because its either how he does it at work or he is a lazy thoughtless idiot. I think it's the latter. He is just a sloppy idiot who by some miracle is still in employment ( or he enjoys living in sithole because under no circumstances can I borrow his hammer drill to put up the curtain pole). He wasn't always like this. He hit 40 and every capability just suddenly died. I think if the it was a choice to get burgled or fix the front door, he'd go for having no front door. But at the same time thinks he is a ace trades man. Also I can't book in a tradesman as that sets off the territorial testosterone.

His dad had a heart attack and he said he needs to sit down and work out a weekend to visit him. It's been a month. I can only conclude he doesn't care, not a priority, lazy or a combination of all of the above.

See I work qith a lot of men and maybe this clouds my judgement, but I do agree a lot of men don't run to get things done but also get very angry that everything isn't done to time

I think a lot of men just believe things will get done but don't think about how or who. I don't think its deliberately expecting you to pick up the slack, it's just not thinking about the time or effort needed to do a task.

Exactly.

Bit of a shit analogy.

Yes to whoever said men don't multitask!

My OH will prep the veg for a dinner but won't think to put the pan on to boil/ oven on / start the washing up/ fold some laundry / feed the cats/ write the shopping list... while he chops veg and cooks so on his night to cook.... he only cooks (and I will get asked questions that he could answer for himself (how many potatoes should he prep etc) so I can't leave him to it, where as on my night I cook and do a load of other tasks while he watches TV!

Because it takes us about the same amount of time to get dinner on the table he thinks he's doing his 'half' but he really isn't!!

I think a decent portion of it is total disinterest in terms of doing the task combined with ambivalence about the outcome. It’s absolutely a generalisation but on balance more men than women simply won’t care if the house is messy, won’t be fussed about carpets being a bit grubby or floors covered in crumbs or dust gathering on surfaces etc. Also less men will be judged as negatively for their house being a mess. If you dislike housework you’ll leave it till you feel like it really has to be done. If someone you live with dislikes it less &/or cares more about the state of the house they’ll end up doing it before you. It’s all very much connected with what is expected of men and women & there is a load of sexist issues in the mix but on balance I don’t think large swathes of men are deliberately planning to be shit at household chores. The fact it’s more careless than deliberate doesn’t really help much for the ones stuck picking up the slack.

Women can be similar about jobs they perceive as being men’s work but on the whole those are more one off type jobs than daily repeated things so it’s a bit less of a burden that way round.

The thing is, many men seem to believe that women are somehow biologically programmed to actually care. Like we enjoy going over every little detail that men don’t care about. And in a way, we are programmed, just socially. Because it needs doing either way and girls are put under this pressure to ‘do it all’ because ‘men just don’t see these things’. Indifference is just another word for not caring, and not caring comes from the belief that if you won’t do it someone else will (a mother figure). Or you just like living in mess/chaos/disorganisation which is simply unattractive. It’s not hard work at all to weaponise incompetence, what is hard for many men is the fallout when the person who has picked up the slack most of their adult lives decide they’ve had enough and leave.

Yes to whoever said men don't multitask!

Total bollocks in my experience.

The hanging out of the laundry triggers me 😔.

My ex used to flash each item a ridiculous amount of times, because it made his ironing easier. Ridiculous, as he'd then spend an age ironing each item regardless of how well they'd been hung🤦🏾‍♀️.

I think it’s a bit of both, I’m sure some men use incompetence as a weapon but not always. People are better at different things, my husband is brilliant at lots of stuff, is an amazing father and an amazing husband and more than pulls his weight at home, however… he’s useless at cooking, useless picking outfits for the kids and doing DDs hair, and really not the best at doing the shopping (generally forgets lots of stuff). The other side of this is I’m hopeless at gardening, DIY and managing the finances. We have “our” stuff and as long as it’s somewhat equal I don’t see any problem in each person sticking to their jobs.

Also men and women’s brains ARE different and traditionally male and female tasks started that way because it is generally speaking what each gender is good at!

DH is brilliant compared to lots of men in my family. He will do lots of chores. I realise reading this back it sounds like a primary school report. However, if he touches the hoover, he might die. That's what I think anyway. Of all the years I've known him, he will do ANYTHING but hoover. Since I don't want to live in a shit hole, I hoover. Maybe I should go on hoover strike.

I think it all stems from entitlement. They really seem to think they are entitled not to have to do these jobs.

Honestly I think women are just accepting lower and lower standards.

My partner would never act like this, and he's equally or more competent than me at basically everything.

But this is probably because he's been raised well and also has to do these types of tasks all the time. If he doesn't do his laundry, he can't leave the house (unless he wants to go out naked) because I don't do it for him. So it's pretty quick learning once it's happened once.

He's not perfect, but if I remind him of something house-related he was supposed to do/didn't spot, he'll happily do it the second time.

If you're an enabler then no, they will never learn to do things, or they'll learn them but never do them because someone else will.

Is there nothing in return you leave to him though? Like, there are certain household jobs that I do the vast majority of, but then there are others that I almost never do, because frankly I don't want to, and I leave them to DH to do. So it balances out. Like, I literally never wash up or take the bins out. (Obviously excepting a very rare occasion that DH is very unwell and can't do them and they desperately need doing!)

I just asked my DP what his views on this are.

He said, "that's funny, I was thinking last time I visited that I would do a bad job of the washing up on purpose so you wouldn't ask me to do it again. I left bits of grease on the pans."

So yes, it definitely exists.

I have had (ahem) quite a large number of husbands/live in partners. And every single one of them has considered that housework is easy, that women make it look difficult for some reason (perhaps to justify the complaining about it) and that if you just concentrate you can keep a house immaculate to hotel standards, work a day job, care for the children and animals, etc etc.

They then do one task, usually reluctantly, to ridiculous standards which takes all day, and pretend that women could do this too but choose not to, carefully ignoring the fact that they have done ONE THING in the time it would take me to clean the entire house, walk the dog, cook the dinner and help the kids with homework. Because they don't want to do it. They'd rather concentrate on stuff they enjoy.

I remain single now and only get annoyed with myself over jobs not being done.

Um,no, they're not different.

Yes to whoever said men don't multitask!

Mine husband can and does.

I try, but I find it difficult and stressful.

IME men rarely have to do these jobs so they genuinely don't really know how. I never did housework as a child and at university genuinely had to google how to clean a bathroom & other basic stuff because I had NO idea what products to use/ how to do it. Many men I think actually have no idea at all. It's not an excuse & they need to step up and learn (like I now have lol) but sometimes I don't think it's "weaponised incompetence" but "actual incompetence" lol

I think it works both ways. Eg DS refuses to cook anything new, or learn, so has 2 or possibly 3 meal options if left to himself. He may think life is too short, if there's a female around who can do it easier and better. But on the other hand, I refuse to install routers, reprogram tellys or do soul destroying tech stuff because life really is too short for me to learn, get it wrong and irritate the entire family, so I will cook DS dinner while he does it and gets it right 1st time.

My husband is far mair competent than me at a load of hoosehold tasks. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Meals have to be cooked every day. How often are routers installed and TV reprogrammed in your house?

“Managed incompetence” is a frequently used phrase in our house. DH is in a very highly paid prestigious role and clearly great at his job. But washjng, dealing with our dodgy heating , cleaning the cat tray out… total numpty so clearly I’ve failed after 25 years of marriage. I blame his DM who did everything for the whole family without expecting any support. He obviously has other redeeming qualities otherwise I’d have been long gone 😂

I honestly pity your son’s future girlfriend. Many women (rightfully) don’t want to put in the effort ‘look after’ a man these days, especially one who cannot be bothered to cook more than two specific meals. Young women are going to be far more tech savvy than someone of your generation, so what exactly will he bring to the table for a future relationship?

What have you ‘failed’ at? And why is it just his mum’s fault? His father is equally to blame for not raising him well.

No, men are the centre of their own universe. It's as simple as that. Women are taught from a young age to care about everything and everyone, ideally before themselves. Men are not taught this. All the things that need doing are therefore not on their radar. It's infuriating.

I recently was on a business dinner with 4 men. I took the bread basket and took a piece and was asking a man to put it back in the middle please. Instead all men started taking bread out of the basket and I had to say again 'please put it in the middle'. They simply thought I was serving them.

It's interesting how men arent so helpless in the workplace and manage to work their way up. Also always interesting to see how some men find younger female colleagues to do 'admin' work for them.

It works for men, so why would they see a need to change anything.