Is it weaponised incompetence or are men just rubbish?

[NarnianQueen]

I absolutely believe that men pretend they can't do things like cooking or laundry without making a disaster of it, so they won't be asked again, but now I'm starting to wonder... I've seen so many men struggle with simple tasks when it really isn't going to benefit them to do it badly. Sometimes I think it's because they believe their way of doing it is the proper way, and everyone else is bodging it. My dh will meticulously place items in the dishwasher, taking 40 minutes to stack it, whereas I would take 5-10 minutes to shove it in - probably not to his liking, but perfectly adequately. But it's one of his jobs (his choice!) so I know he's not doing it slowly to make me take over. Same with guys at work - I work in events, and there can be lots of waiting around - when a man's in charge we all just stand around, when a woman is running it, she will always say "While we're waiting for the lights, let's sort out x..." You get so much more done.
They genuinely seem to struggle with things that women just get on with! Anyone else notice similar?

@SlothOnARope what a sad post. How often does soul destroying tech stuff need doing? And how often do typical household chores doing?

You are absolutely on the money here.

Reminds me of a guy I dated. We went to a function together. There were six of us around the table. The waiter bought some appetisers to the table and placed them in the middle. There were six. I immediately thought, right, so we have one each. He proceeded to take two. I was embarrassed so didn't have one so everyone else would be able to.

I suspect this is the case much of the time. And also indifference to the fact that doing things to certain standards is important to their partner. And many men don’t care about their partners to the degree that they will learn how to do stuff they find completely boring or unimportant, for them. They also aren’t socialised to think ‘I need to learn to do boring shit for the sake of others around me’. Women are. Vast generalisations of course but apply in many cases.

I also think in some cases women can be insufferably inflexible about ‘their way’ of doing things. I remember a conversation with a woman in her 60s who had taken care of laundry her whole life due to her DH’s incompetency in her view. When unpicked it turned out that she insisted every item be hung up in a particular order on the line, facing a certain way etc, which sounded like a preference and not about a practical improvement. Sometimes I can see why a man would say ‘fuck that’. But equally as I said above, I’d like to think genuine love for someone means sometimes going along with their batshit preferences because you want them to be happy.

They just can't be bothered and have no interest in it.since I chucked my useless husband out my life has improved 100%. I've got the job I always wanted, bought a bigger house which is always tidy and my finances are always sorted. The garden always looks great.
I no longer have to go hunting round the house for his hidden debt and clean up his dreadful mess. I don't know how I stuck it for 20 years. No sex pestering or whingeing either.

No mine is genuinely useless at some things. I know he’s not doing it badly on purpose so that I will do it, as he knows full well I won’t do it and I will have a go at him until he does it. I do think he has ADHD though.

My DH is a trusted advisor to FTSE100 companies and multinationals worth billions. I have given up showing him how to stack plates in the drainer thing.

It is definitely strategic incompetence. He’s too smart to not know how to do this.

I think we have such low expectations of men that many of them would happily live down to the low standards we set. They aren’t genetically incapable of hoovering properly.

I’ve lived with a partner who was useless (round the house, organising things, with money). When dating, I saw how some single men lived. One of the (many) things in my current DP’s favour was him having his shit together. He kept his house clean and organised, he cooked himself proper meals, he managed his finances properly, he did at least his share of organising joint plans. Basic stuff, but it’s depressingly rare.

I do believe it is weaponised incompetence the vast majority of the time. If a man is fully capable of having a “big” job, he is capable of working a washing machine and running the hoover around.

Also men and women’s brains ARE different and traditionally male and female tasks started that way because it is generally speaking what each gender is good at!

This is quite simply not true. There is no evidence to suggest major differences in male and female brain function. Our brains have great plasticity and we train boys and girls differently from a young age. However, how we train them varies from society to society. So 100 years ago medicine and teaching were male dominated and are now female dominated. Knitting was historically a highly paid male profession. While ~15% of engineers in the UK are female, in Spain it is 30% and in Russia 40%. If there really was a gendered difference in brain function that would remain consistent across geography and time.

We need to stop the bullshit and bring up our children to do all tasks, and not base what we encourage them to do on their genitals.

@JaninaDuszejko this is such a good post. It would be like saying mysogyny doesn't exist and women do not have the same career prospects as men because of their brains.

I'm a childless woman. Even I feel I have had to work harder and be louder than any man to move up the ranks. It has nothing to do with my brain. Women have to show they can already do some of the next job in order to get a promotion. Men get promoted with the assumption they will learn the next job. As a woman you also have to proof that you are an expert at your job (the scepticism and 'advice' I received from men who have never even done my role is unreal) whereas men are automatically trusted to do their job adequately well.

Jesus. Your NP is nothing short of evil

Yes and then they want a fucking round of applause for doing one job while you've done 10 in the same time period.

If my DH dies or leaves me I'm never living with another man again

Don't be so bloody smug. You know as well as any woman that often issues around chores do not make themselves know until it's "too late" - ie when you've had a child and the household requirements are multiple, constant and require planning

Yeah

I don't think so. My father (now in 70s) has barely done a single day's worth of domestic tasks in 50 years of marriage

@Appletreepots did that not give you the most enormous ICK? !

Oh god @Appletreepots I wouldn't ever leave a man in charge of your finances - that way hell lies.

Well men manage to live on their own and have jobs and do all manner of grown things like my husband

If they are so bad how on earth do they have partners?

When my DH does housework it's far better than my efforts because I do it quickly. He can take 30 minutes to hang or fold a load of washing.

However, he also doesn't prioritise those tasks unless they're shoved in front of him & he knows it's expected. I.e., washing machine beeping repeatedly or he's asked to do something. He has a couple of weekly cleaning jobs we've allocated at his, because I was sick of doing it all. I REFUSE to do them. Come Saturday I pointed out they hadn't been done yet as I went to do groceries. Came home to him watching YouTube & DC on screens. It's just not his priority. He did it, because I said I wasn't doing it. I'll be doing the same this week, too.

It's a combination of weaponised incompetence and indifference. They won't do chores or will do them badly because they are simply indifferent to them. People put effort into things they care about and a lot of men don't care about living in a clean and tidy house.

I used to allocate work in my team. Generally speaking, if you wanted something done accurately, you'd give it to one of the women who were more likely to stress about doing it right and on time. If you wanted something done fast but with errors, give it to one of the men. Men also won't tend to pitch in or help out other team members in the same way as women.

I'd say, generally speaking (because there's always exceptions), men choose not to take on extra responsibility easily. When they do choose to do something, they are still more likely not to ask or to look up how and are happy for their work to have mistakes. eg When we had a baby, I was constantly online looking up what to do. My husband was very involved but happy to just wing it.

My DH absolutely tries his best and would never weaponise incompetence but he is much slower than me at tasks. Often I would rather do it so I can have him on hand helping with the children rather than him pissing about forever doing something I could do in less than half the time.

It isn’t weaponised incompetence. It is simply not doing jobs that you don’t want to do or don’t think are necessary. I actually think virtually everyone does it (men and women) except a few people who have something to prove and have to show they are competent at everything. Surely there are things that you have no interest in doing but you could do if you really had to?

My father was the perfect man doing all the repairs and maintenance and also used to cook and drive everyone to places with a big smile and sense of humour. I took this for granted I guess. I unfortunately married a person whose mother and father did everything for him. ( realised much too late) Therefore, once we got a big house he came out as useless plus also very tight to outsource help. It is a nightmare in our house when things need to be repaired or even maintenance. I feel he also pretends he is rubbish at most things not to help. He moans endlessly about anything you ask. Damage cause for late repairs costs more sometimes. He is not good and very grumpy all the time so I had enough. Divorce is imminent as he is ruined our day to day and I resent and loss respect for him.

One thing I've noticed a lot of men like doing in the home is cooking for big events or social occasions....they do this because they enjoy it and because it leads to plenty of praise. They also invariably use every utensil and trash the kitchen which the wife ends up sorting out, whilst the man basks in the glory of his amazing meal. They also dress this whole spectacle up as 'helping' and the guests loudly proclaim as to how lucky the wife is.

So yeah, they can do it when the rewards are high enough