Partner's occasional criticism/culture 'differences'

[Celia24]

My partner and I are just back from a week long holiday. Had a lovely time overall, now feel very chilled overall.

However a couple of things annoyed me and made me feel criticised during the trip. For the record, my partner is German and typically more rigid/ordered about things and I'm quite relaxed/open by contrast although we are both quite practical.

• So on day one I pointed at an unusual looking bicycle on the road because I'd never seen it before. Two people were in the bike. When I did this he told me it was rude to point at people!

• In a bookshop I started reading a book and came across a funny anecdote relating to an in joke from our trip. I went to find him in the bookshop and he told me 'where I'm from' it's rude to walk around with a book you're not going to buy

I was so annoyed, told him I came to share a funny story with him and he was being hyper critical I wouldn't be spoken to like a child. He said sorry but what is this all about?

AIBU to think he needs the lighten up and stop having a go?

For the record the rest of the week was lovely, but these two things really bothered me

He's right, in both those situations you were being rude.

@Invisimamma with the bike, it was on the far side of the road going in the opposite direction. It flew past and there was no way they saw me pointing from that distance

I ended up buying the book but I personally don't see the issue with carrying a book from one side of the shop to another?

I honestly did not know this was rude

Having lived in Germany quite a few years, his remarks don’t surprise me at all, and I wouldn’t class it as him having a go at you or addressing you as a child. Those behaviours would indeed be considered somewhat rude in Germany, at least the part of country I lived in. For reference, it goes both ways - there are things they do I would find quite rude, too.

However, when you’re with someone of a different culture, you must adapt and adjust expectations accordingly - as long as he doesn’t do it constantly, it wouldn’t bother me too much. Only you know if there are subtle hints in the way he speaks to you, frequently.

(For what is worth, I am not German, nor British, and would also find the book thing quite strange. I was taught that books are inspected near their original shelves, as are clothes. You can take items with you to try them on, but I wouldn’t go around showing a skirt to someone in the next aisle - I would call them to where the skirt was for them to see, if that makes sense.

I'm first gen immigrant, and my parents taught me that it is rude to point at people but OK to point at things. If I want to indicate a person I by 'point' with my whole hand, palm up or sideways. It seems to be acceptable to both my family and to British people in general.

Can't see anything wrong with bringing a book to someone in a bookshop.

Can’t walk a skirt into another aisle to show someone? Why on earth not? What would happen - would it damage the skirt? 🤣

Cultural differences are just like this IME (parents from two different cultures). Over time some things might become less of a big deal but some things are just ingrained.

I would tell him that you acknowledge he’s from a different culture, but he should too. Telling you off is so unattractive and he should really give it a rest.

Yes his 'telling off' would annoy me too.

@RobinHood19 he did at least acknowledge maybe it isn't rude for me versus how he perceives these things.

Fyi I was pointing at the bike, not people, so it felt an over reaction to me. But I suppose I see where he's coming from there

@ShortWide & @Courgettesandonions exactly! I hate being told off. Suddenly I feel there's this parental dynamic and I feel emotionally hurt too.

I don't want us to get into this dynamic. As I said it's infrequent but it does upset me.

First one - He's right. Didn't you know this from childhood?

Second one - He's being a bit uptight and talked to you like a child even if he's correct. It's not such a big deal and he made it one.

My conclusion - you seem like you're a bit childish, nothing to do with being relaxed. It must be annoying to witness constantly.
He seems a bit tightly wound and too serious (it's a stereotype but it's true in his case). It must be frustrating to be around.

Are you both even compatible, personality-wise? Anyway, since you both had fun, nothing else matters.

@HollyLollyMollyJolly I know it's rude to point at people and I don't do it. So if someone stands nearby I would never point.

If a unicycle or similar goes past at a distance I don't think anything of pointing it out, again at a distance like 'wow look how cool that is'

Overall, I have softened him and made him more humourous/take himself less seriously and I can acknowledge when i am not being serious enough. Mostly we compliment each other but then it does cause the occasional issue.

I agree with him.

It is rude to point ans also very bad manners to read a book or newspaper in a shop without buying it. There's usually a summary on the back cover for this very reason.

I would find it bad manners but I doubt I would bother calling you out on it as it's at the thin end of the scale.

This has just unearthed a memory from my childhood where I was looking through one of those hardback Lonely Planet or National Geographic books in a big supermarket and a shop assistant came over and said “This is a shop, not a lending library. Either buy it, then read it or put it back!”

I was about 11 and incredibly shy so I was mortified. I can still see her face in my mind, 30 years later!

This would rile me too, op

You're not six

Didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to point?
Yes, do not treat stock like it's your own possession!
This is nothing to do with being German!

This ^^

I don't see either of those things as rude 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't appreciate being told off

Unless you stood on the side of the road, squealed, and shouted 'look at the funny bike darling' Ponting out a moving tandem discreetly on the opposite of the road is not rude. I did not realise also that there was only a short space around a bookshelf it was acceptable to move a book from- you wanted to point out something funny, so you went to find him- I would do the same. I would not appreciate being called rude, unless my behaviour was rude openly and obviously embarrassing (which is hope I wouldn't do to a partner) so I would also be pretty annoyed at having these non events pointed out as being some kind of obviously social faux pas

Personally I don't see either of these things rude in these two instances. However, if you had been pointing to someone close by then yes that is rude but something on the other side of the street then no - how else are you supposed to point out the direction you want him to look in?!?

With regard to reading a few pages from a book before deciding to purchase it - places like Barnes & Noble and a lot of other bookshops actually encourage people to read pages from the book - they even have cosy chairs that you can sit in dotted around the bookshop!

Well neither of those things are rude to me. Times have changed in bookshops, lots have chairs to sit in so you can leaf through a book.

DP and I were brought up very differently, and he often does things in a way that seems 'not right' and vice versa. What I can't imagine doing is 'telling him off' over something do minor.

To preface this, I suspect I am autistic and this is a mostly lighthearted post on how rules like this are funny to me.

Why is it seen as acceptable for people or cultures to make up random rules on things, that then turn carrying out harmless actions into some kind of character flaw or moral failing? It's so weird, I don't understand it. And it's not consistent either.
If I was walking along the street, and I accidentally knocked into someone, and didn't apologise, I understand how that is 'rude' because you have knocked into them - they could have fallen over, or spilt a drink, so even if I did not mean to knock into them, I could have been more careful, so I understand that it would be rude to not acknowledge this in some way.
However, if you have a friend, and you are getting married, and that friend has a partner you have never met, it is somehow considered rude to not invite that partner to your wedding. Even though you don't know them, and they don't know you, so why would either of you benefit from them attending and taking up a space that could be taken by someone who actually knows you?

What I'm trying to say is, neither of these 'rules' have any basis in safety, or not causing hassle to others, so I'm not sure why you are expected to follow them.

I wouldn’t point at anyone tbh and if I was reading bits of a book in a bookshop to see if I wanted to buy it I definitely wouldn’t draw attention to myself.

It sounds like a culture clash, it’s hard if you don’t know German traditions and if he doesn’t understand British customs.

He needs to meet you in the middle, have some empathy and understand you weren’t born in Germany. I would talk it out and explain your concerns.

I don't think this has anything to do with his being German. It's usual in German bookshops (esp large ones) to take a book you're looking at and go and sit in one of the many comfortable chairs dotted around for this purpose. In fact, even our lovely small local independent one has a seat in the (extensive) children's section and dd often takes books she's looking at there.

He's right those things are rude but somehow the ticking off like I'm a child would also annoy me.