Partner's occasional criticism/culture 'differences'

[Celia24]

My partner and I are just back from a week long holiday. Had a lovely time overall, now feel very chilled overall.

However a couple of things annoyed me and made me feel criticised during the trip. For the record, my partner is German and typically more rigid/ordered about things and I'm quite relaxed/open by contrast although we are both quite practical.

• So on day one I pointed at an unusual looking bicycle on the road because I'd never seen it before. Two people were in the bike. When I did this he told me it was rude to point at people!

• In a bookshop I started reading a book and came across a funny anecdote relating to an in joke from our trip. I went to find him in the bookshop and he told me 'where I'm from' it's rude to walk around with a book you're not going to buy

I was so annoyed, told him I came to share a funny story with him and he was being hyper critical I wouldn't be spoken to like a child. He said sorry but what is this all about?

AIBU to think he needs the lighten up and stop having a go?

This is maybe more about his communication style than the slight differences in acceptable behaviour? Germans tend to be more direct, a British person might think you were rude but wouldn't say anything unless it was really extreme!

Having said that, I'm British and I think it is rude to point at people but I don't think there's anything wrong with carrying a book around a shop if you're considering buying it.

I don’t think you were rude unless you were overtly loud and overbearing in either action - but it doesn’t sound like you were.

it’s the telling off which is rude. I think you need to point out this is a cultural difference and he is no more right than you. In future you’d rather if he were pointing out differences, that he didn’t assume you were wrong and he was right.

Then monitor it for red flags. Bin him if he doesn’t again - it won’t improve.

I think it's the 'parental' attitude which would annoy me. I would say both those instances were a matter of opinion and clearly his opinion is that you were rude. However, it's not OK to tell your partner off like they're a child and I think he should know that. That's actually MORE rude than either of the 'rude' things you did, and has more of an impact on a relationship than your instances with strangers you will never see again.

That's not to say he can never bring things up which really bother him, but I bet if he'd waited a couple of hours to say nicely, "It really bothers me when you..." then he'd have forgotten all about it! If it really did bother him then by all means bring it up in a way you speak to an adult/ equal.

The book walking is not on. How are staff supposed to visually track people wandering around a shop, book in hand 'looking' for someone else. Not all are honest, and it's easy to 'wander out' of the shop without paying.

My DH occasionally does things like this, and I find it particularly hurtful when I'm feeling light-hearted and he rebuffs me with a criticism I couldn't have fathomed (like the book thing).

Of course it's not rude to walk around with a book in a bookshop. Many bookshops have chairs so you can read a bit of the book before you buy!

Same way it's not rude to walk around with clothes in a clothes shop before you decide what's going home with you.

My conclusion - you seem like you're a bit childish, nothing to do with being relaxed.

That’s quite a conclusion based on two fairly neutral anecdotes!

Also surprised at the posters agreeing that what op was doing was rude. I’m British too and see absolutely nothing wrong in pointing at people on a bike who’ll never notice it - as for the book thing, surely a case of ‘op is always wrong’ as I’ve never heard of this. I visit bookshops more than the average person and regularly carry ones I’m ointerested in about to show the person I’m with, whether I end up buying them or not. Never heard the blurb is intended to avoid you removing them from the permitted inspection zone!

Op, I don’t think you’re childish. My dh is Italian, we’ve been together over twenty years and we still have cultural misunderstandings occasionally. I think it’s inevitable that they happen and also that mismatch the can cause upset - even when we know why. Behaviours and perceptions are so ingrained that I think it’s inevitable.

I also work with Germans, and totally get the being told off thing. My boss is lovely, but it took a while for us to get used to how we each communicate. I really do bristle when I feel ‘told off’, despite knowing it is not intended that way.

I had a similar experience with a German boyfriend. He would criticise my clothes and how I matched things together despite not being in the country long and having no idea about our current fashions, but then he would take the bin out at the front of our house in broad daylight in his underpants and think this was fine. He’d get annoyed with me when I’d say that that’s not acceptable in my country - they were the tight underpants as well, not the boxers

Pointing is rude. And I do kind of agree with him on the book. Unless you are reading the back cover only I wouldn't walk around with it open reading from it. I think Germans can be very direct, which can be annoying or it can be nice to know exactly what the think, depends on your perspective.

I'm British, and I think both examples are rude, sorry!

However I also think it's rude for him to point it out

I would have found both situations a bit odd. It I wouldn’t have actually said anything to you about it. I think pointing it generally unnecessary, unless at an item or in directions. And I wouldn’t carry a book around unless I was buying it.

edit to add: British parents, but I’ve been raised in Australia.

He sounds condescending. You sound touchy.

if my DP said something like that (sometimes he likes to mansplai science things to me) I’d say “sorry dad” and laugh at him and never think about it again.

It's not a cultural difference. Both those things are rude. Pointing is rude to the extent that I would definitely tell my partner not to do it. The bookshop thing is a grey area, it's OK to browse and read passages (and bookshops encourage this), less so to wander around taking the book away from its shelf. Bear in mind that if everyone decided they could have a proper read of any given book, show it to family and friends etc, that book would quickly no longer be in sellable condition.

More generally, if you don't like each other's habits, consider whether you're actually compatible with each other. Little things you do are annoying him. And you don't agree with his approach to the world and how he wants you to fit into it. The point of a relationship is to accept your partner for who they are, not to make them either lighten up or smarten up.

Mixed replies: some think I was rude, some not.

For me the crux is being told off. I've never had a partner that did this and I find it patronising/hurtful.

PP mentions compatibility - I think those who say he shouldn't be assuming his way is right are correct. If my small actions annoy him so much that isn't great.

Agree with this.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to take a book to the till if you're not allowed to walk away from the shelf with it! God they must have a field day when I'm carrying 4 or 5 books from different parts of the bookshop!
OP, I think this may require a conversation on how he communicates this stuff to you, so cultural differences fine, Germans can be very blunt, but explain when it's not in the moment that his tone comes across belitteling.
But keep an eye on this, I'm not sure I would like to be critiqued all the time. I've recently had to pull myself up because my husband complained about me micromanaging something. He was right, might not be my way but it was perfectly legitimate so I needed to button it.

I don't understand why the book thing is rude Most bookshops I've ever been in provide comfy armchairs, dotted around, which I had assumed were inviting you to sit down and peruse your potential purchases. Were they merely for ornament? Or only to be used with books within a defined perimeter?

I also don't understand why taking a skirt from one aisle to another is rude. How else would you, say, browse for a matching top in another section?

And even if you were obeying the "only move further than x feet from the shelf if you are going directly to the till" rule, what if you changed your mind halfway there, turned back to replace the item on its holy shelf and were thus interpreted as being rude?

You were "taught" this?! 😂
What a bizarrely specific thing to even consider having an opinion on, let alone a strictly defined set of rules.

Were you on holiday in Germany? If not I don't see why he commented
I don't see the issue with then book or understand why it's ride to move it from the shelf to show someone. I've seen this done lots of timea especially in the children's section.Amd bookshops often have chairs sorted around so you can take a book to a chair to look through .And as you said you bought the book anyway.
The pointing. It depends really it could be considered rude if it looked as though you were pointing at the people but as you say it was an unusual bike if so I'm sure many people will have said look at that bike and possibly pointed. It's hardly a huge crime.
Either way I don't think he should have treated you like a child

I'm not going to be happy long term in a relationship where I'm critiqued. It suggests we're not equal and I'm an idiot to be corrected.

I want to stress the relationship is very good most of the time but I can see how this type of thing will build up. If and when he next does this I think a conversation is needed.

I have a German friend and sometimes struggle with what seems to me like pedantic scolding and lack of self insight/humility. She's very literal and pronounces judgement on people and situations far too quickly in my opinion.

There are quite a few funny skits on Tiktok etc about these kinds of cultural differences. I thinking of one woman who does turns as her German mother. I wonder if watching those might help him be a bit more flexible in his beliefs by giving him a bit of distance from them?

There is probably a German >UK equivalent too if he wants revenge..

Just a lighthearted suggestion. Watching some of these helped me to contextualise my friend's traits as cultural than personal, and shrug things off a bit more.

That’s quite a conclusion based on two fairly neutral anecdotes!

As you only picked this from my rather fair post discussing both of them from what OP has shared, I take it you don't mind my conclusion about him 'based on two fairly neutral anecdotes' and you seemingly find your opposite conclusion about them based on the same thing to be the right one.

I did mention the compatibility bit and I think you're right here. As I said earlier regardless if he's was right, his approach seems quite overly-serious for minor "issues". How would he then behave if you did something so bad in everyone's eyes?

I don't think that either if the things you did were innapropriate. And i would be concerned about being scolded about any number of undefined 'rules' that i wasn't aware of.

Also agree. However I think the conversation needs to be had before you do something else ans he does something and you're both annoyed with each other. It's never really a productive conversation when both parties are angry - better on neutral conversational terms so both are more receptive. Just my opinion but of course it's up to you.

This is my concern. As these are rules HE may live by, but I don't. I'm an individual, not someone to be governed by him.