Partner's occasional criticism/culture 'differences'

[Celia24]

My partner and I are just back from a week long holiday. Had a lovely time overall, now feel very chilled overall.

However a couple of things annoyed me and made me feel criticised during the trip. For the record, my partner is German and typically more rigid/ordered about things and I'm quite relaxed/open by contrast although we are both quite practical.

• So on day one I pointed at an unusual looking bicycle on the road because I'd never seen it before. Two people were in the bike. When I did this he told me it was rude to point at people!

• In a bookshop I started reading a book and came across a funny anecdote relating to an in joke from our trip. I went to find him in the bookshop and he told me 'where I'm from' it's rude to walk around with a book you're not going to buy

I was so annoyed, told him I came to share a funny story with him and he was being hyper critical I wouldn't be spoken to like a child. He said sorry but what is this all about?

AIBU to think he needs the lighten up and stop having a go?

Laura Ramoso is the comedian who impersonates her German mother! Love watching that!

OP - I can't believe people are saying you're rude pointing out an unusual bike on the other side of the road! It's the same as people pointing when they see someone riding a penny-farthing - that wouldn't be considered rude!!

Your partner sounds like a twat

I don’t see anything wrong with OPs behaviour in either of those examples. I used to work in a bookshop and can never remember me or any other staff caring at all if someone walks around the shop with a book (although ideally they’ll replace it on the correct shelf if they don’t buy it!). As look as the book isn’t damaged it makes zero different surely.

At how does this work when you’re browsing clothes to then try on? I often pick up an item of clothing, wander round a shop, maybe pick up some more items to try on etc. According to dome previous posters it seems there’s some forcefield around each item that I’ve been oblivious about.

I was married to a Dutch man for 14 years and never really made peace with the cultural differences

The problem is you didn't stand up for yourself then and there. I'm also from a similar European country and the thing with directness is it goes both ways. You can't change him. He can adapt a bit and you can adapt a bit. But he will never not be direct about stuff and if you sit there and take it politely, you will resent it. In the book scenario, I would have said "oh chill out you grump, don't tell me what to do" and move on. Don't stew on it and talk later.

My DH is British and we've adapted to each other a bit, I've toned it down at his requests early on and he's learned what I'm like too, and ultimately we found a way to work. But being silent and resentful and hoping he will change further is NOT the way.

The above assumes he's a nice person and wants to make it work, and that he's not a bully.

@265IceCream Maybe I wasn't clear but I did stand up for myself. I asked him not to chide me like a child. Your suggestion sounds better, a more humorous approach

Previously I was more likely to be quiet because I was hurt.

To move forward you need to be able to communicate cultural differences with one another without coming across as harsh or judgemental. Perhaps you can explain how you felt and work out a way together to communicate about those things going forward.

@Celia24 I see, that's good. Again, directness should not be confused with being a bully or nasty. I am direct and say what I think (including if I think DH is doing something wrong) but the aim is never to chastise or make anyone feel bad. Only you know where his behaviour fits.

@Keenovay Yes, lots of good skits! Most of them do seem to be about Germans, which I guess says something. I like this creator:

https://youtube.com/shorts/1EdMWmKi2iQ?feature=shared

This would irritate me. It's rude to try and correct another adult's 'rudeness' over something so subjective. He isn't your parent/teacher.

It's not universally agreed that it's rude to point. It's also not universally agreed that you must never look inside a book/magazine you're considering buying. Not to mention that you were pointing at the bike and not the people on it.

Obviously you can't do anything to damage it, but if shops were so keen to avoid people looking inside books/magazines they would shrink wrap them. You can't sit and read the whole thing like you would in a library, but they are happy for people to look inside as they're more likely to buy it with that extra information.

Bit of a pink flag here I'd say, keep an eye on it.

Context is everything and op has explained the bike going by, the cyclists probably oblivious to her.

I do wonder how many posters are aware of the norms in bookshops these days. ‘Rude to walk around with a book you’re not going to buy’ - I suspect that sellers these days are grateful for people to wander around in bookshops perusing books and hopeful they will buy something in the end.

The post has made me remember when I was a student and a Chinese foreign student was very sad about how her German boyfriend was telling her what she should and shouldn’t eat. It had nothing to do with health issues. Her anguished sentiment was that he should let her enjoy what she wanted to eat while she was alive and able to eat.

He sounds like a sanctimonious prick to me, and so do many posters on this thread… The OP has clarified she wasn’t pointing at people and yet people still bleat on about it. I think people love to find an OP to jump on, and threads like this lure them in.

I find this bizarre.

Urgh what a turn off. Couldn't tolerate being chastised by a partner like that. He's not your dad.

Try Liam Carpenter's like hearted You Tube shorts about cultural differences between Britain and Germany :)

Some incredibly rigid, upright people on this thread OP! Walking across a bookshop floor with a book is perfectly fine. More to the point, you’re an adult and it’s not his place to chastise you over perceived minor breaches of etiquette. (I think he’s wrong on both counts too, but there we go).

German people can seem very blunt, particularly when speaking English, unless the person is native speaker level of fluency. Also, Germans tend to be much freer with correcting people. That is where the culture clash lies. Coming at it from the other perspective, I had a German friend who was upset that no Brits would correct his English. He was surprised when I said that it is seen as rude here.

I think he's being a bit of a dick tbh.

Who does this on holiday? Points out cultural norms, fgs. Unless you're actually in danger it's a dick move. He sounds very immature, insensitive and snobbish.

I wouldn’t put up with being spoken to like a child.

He sounds like a rude pain in the arse.
I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that by any man.
Think long and hard about the dynamic you want in your relationship.
I would 100% have the Ick and would tell him not to EVER speak to me like that.
I would be done.

Try being American with a Downtown Abbey like MIL. Very pretentious with no reason . I quite forthright but with no ill intentions questioned stuff she said sometimes. Cue attack of the vapours.

Nope he his uptight. I couldn't be doing with someone so critical.

No, he was being rude and for no reason at all.

Op, his sanctimonious attitude won't get better unless he is actually 12.

Tell him it's very rude to correct your partner's manners. Ask him if he would say the same thing to his boss? (If the answer is a horrified "no" then he's German, if the answer's "yes" then he has a whole set of other problems.)

I don't think either of these are rude (British/50+)

Pointing at an unusual bike is not the same as pointing at people