Partner and female co worker

[Luciev]

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.
have I been unreasonable ?

Don’t give him any choices. He’s already made his.

Now it’s time for you to take charge of your own destiny- your update suggests that you know what’s right for your future.

YADNBU

Off he fucks.

You don't need to have a 'connection' to have a friendship with a colleague.

That is the language of romance not friendship.

I have a very close (completely platonic) friendship with a male coworker so often give the benefit of the doubt on these threads…but meeting up while you’re away and not telling you? Absolutely not! Trust your gut on this one - you’re not being suspicious solely from a past experience, this is fishy in its own right.

Don’t forget it’s your life op, if he doesnt reach the bar dont waste your time. I wish i hadnt with some of my exes, thinking i had to keep going with them even though i wasnt comfortable.

This exactly.

Sorry this is happening. Youre absolutely right and he is gaslighting you and in the script territory.
Part of me would be tempted to invite her and her husband over for dinner to call his bluff about being just friends, but if sounds like you're away ahead and are ready to let him go- he's not a kind respect partner to you

This is like my ex from ten years ago... cheated with a woman from work that was not on my radar as a 'threat' at all and she had hung around me like a fan girl turning up at the bar where my birthday drinks were etc all why eying up my man! I think they're still married over a decade later

I can't believe he said he wouldn't see her outside work and then the minute you're away he lets her know so she can drive for an hour to spend time with him. He's already a liar, with all the markings of being a cheat too.

Glad you realise everything's on your terms now and that this isn't good enough. You deserve someone who prioritises you.

I'm so sorry OP, how dare he do this to you and what is she playing at aswell? Karma

I'm someone who has friendships with the opposite sex. I've stayed over at one good friend's house, too.

However, male/female friendships require slightly different management to same-sex friendships (assuming everyone involved is heterosexual), even when it's 100% genuine. And if you're in a serious relationship there's an extra layer.

As someone who gave up some friendships when I had a jealous controlling partner (now an ex of many years), I won't stand for any partner telling me who I can be friends with. However, out of respect for my DH I handle those friendships carefully. Your partner doesn't seem to be doing that.

Occasionally someone can be cagey about a friendship if they think their partner is going to make an issue of it even when there's genuinely nothing going on. However, this example doesn't sound like that. I'm sorry.

Maybe he does actually think it is just friendship.... maybe, alot of men is he prob 50's feel oh she 15 years younger flattery. But she clearly doesn't, what would someone really see in someone 15 years older. Just friendship. Don't think so. I'd meet her and tell her to do one, and not so nicely either. If you trust your husband and want to continue you're marriage get her told. A word with her partner also.

The point is “it’s never an older woman” who’s an office friend. Sometimes it is. 🤷‍♀️ The issue here is lack of trust, which is why this relationship is over.

Well, one wouldnt expect him to start chatting to the oldies, probably boring.

Well done, you win the award for the most ageist post on MN today.

"Don't cast your pearls before swine " . You are better than this shit, you deserve more. He will hook up with that girl anyways. I don't want to be rude ,but it is what it is. Sometimes we just have to accept it, doesn't matter how much you 'love' /like the other person. You are stronger than this!!

As with you did with your previous partner, it's all about trust, we all say we trust someone and then worry about them being with someone.
I was cheated on after 20 years of marriage and it was the boss where they had been working 15 years of us being together, so i can see why this has brought up all of those feelings again, but I feel you will push him into her arms by doing this and by telling him to stay away they are having secret meet ups, they could be totally honest and the only reason is because they are friends and he doesn't want to upset you by doing it with you knowing.
But to do it in secret is not good at all and will make the trust a lot worse, only you know what you have and how special it is and if it is worth keeping, if you feel it is then you have a choice to make, let him continue being friends with them, or stop him which could make things become a problem.
My advice would be to let the friendship continue, but ask to meet them, maybe all meet up for a drink and get to know them, explain what happened before to them and say how much it has reminded you of it.
Try and make friends with them, and it would even be better if you could both just have a girls night out, most times it's hard to cheat with someone when you know who they are cheating with, but it could also just show you her true intentions and whether she is just a friend or not.

YANBU X

In my eyes this is tantamount to cheating. He waited for you to go away to meet up with her, when he said he wouldn't. Hes also blamed you and revealed your insecurities to her! He's putting their "friendship" above your relationship. And I'd bet my last fiver he hasn't cooled anything with her

Thing is, you're having to enforce it. You're having to tell him. And he's laying the blame at your door

He's taking no responsibility for any of it

He's only thinking of himself, not about you and your feelings. He knows what you went through in your previous relationship and expects you to be ok with his "friendship".
Don't wait for history to repeat itself. Learn from your past experience. He's not the one for you.

OP, you told your partner you are not comfortable with his relationship, outside work, with a colleague. Why did he not make a decision without putting the ‘blame’ on you ? That is a childish denying thing to do. She doesn’t need to know about your unease, just his decision, which I get the feeling he isn’t going to stick to despite knowing your past experience. Telling you she thinks you are ‘crazy and overreacting’ should not even come into it because he shouldn’t be discussing your feelings with her, only that he would not see her outside work.

He's told you they have a ‘connection’ and he says she ‘looks good’. What on earth do her looks matter if there’s ‘nothing wrong’ and perhaps he’d like to define ‘connection’…

I think your life would be better without a person who puts a good looking person he has a connection with higher than you in his priority list.

Have a great time at the HoL. Try to take time to just look around and absorb the sights and atmosphere.

Apologies for this but I first read one of your posts to say she travelled an hour to spend two hours dogging with him. (Blush)

Chin up, he’s not worth it.

What is the funny bit in all these stories is that men get MORE attractive to random women when they're in a steady relationship, and not the case in the reversed roles.
Proper shit show.

Welcoming the sisterhood.

Dear OP, you already know everything that needs to be known. The only variable here is how this situation will grow from here on out. Healthy ruptures and repairs strengthen the relationship. If there is an intelligent response and a genuine ability to reflect he'll realise that it's not worth to break the trust for someone who's not important. If he carries on gaslighting you and this is just a friend, you know exactly where this is going. You deserve peace.