Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

JazzieJazzie · 2024-10-12T16:49:28+00:00

I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my situation. Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband? Day to day my husband and I get along fine. He works hard and provides well for our household. He is generous with money and makes a huge fuss on my birthdays and Christmas. He compliments me and tells me how much he fancies me, is very affectionate (he says he wishes I felt the same way) Hes funny and we make each other laugh. He’s affectionate with the children He does stuff around the house He says most women would kill for a husband like him. I get to go out and see friends etc. In the past he’s been abusive towards me, in the early days when I was pregnant and when our children were very young. There was - Regular name calling Threats to pick up large objects and smash me with them Threats to urinate on my personal items Intimidation Threats to kill himself. Telling me to go kill myself (in anger) Punching walls and pushing over large objects Mocking Telling me I am indifferent to our children Telling me I ignored our son for the first two years of his life. Insulting my family and friends Insulting my intelligence I did not know much about abuse in the early days and I also was very good at putting on a show that we were the perfect family. I thought cos he wasn’t physical with me that it wasn’t proper abuse. My husband, now that the children are much older, has “mellowed” somewhat and the worse incidents happened many years ago. As things are normal day to day and we are all getting along, I feel like my leaving him now will come as a bolt out of the blue. I plan to tell him once I have a new place set up to go to. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

TerrifiedandWorried · 12/10/2024 17:55

Yes you are doing the right thing. There is no time limit on leaving your abuser. I know you say he seems more mellow, but I bet that when you leave you will discover that you make hundreds of adjustments to your behaviour.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/10/2024 18:02

It sounds like you've based your decision on your honest feelings OP, and no one can criticise you for that. The horrors of the abuse he used to put you through, may have faded, but the damage done, is obviously still there inside you, so go for it. Start a new life while you can. In my opinion, it's never too late to live the life that is right for YOU! I wish you well.

MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:03

Yes, definitely leave now before the vicissitudes of old age begin. My mother lived next door to a couple well into their 80s and the man was disabled and wa extremely abusive to his poor wife.

Do you feel that the last few years have been better partly because you’ve ’learned To behave yourself’? Or did he recognise his abuse and address it?

Good luck with your new life. Wave goodbye to all that.

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:04

Thanks, I still don’t trust him, my body reacts (flinches) when he touches me, they say your body knows to get away from something bad.

It is less frequent that his behaviour slips back and the incidents are a couple of times per year now as opposed to extremely frequent.

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DespairCalling · 12/10/2024 18:08

YANBU. It’s not surprising you can’t forgive such abusive behaviour even if it is mainly in the past. He’s only got himself to blame.

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:09

MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:03

Yes, definitely leave now before the vicissitudes of old age begin. My mother lived next door to a couple well into their 80s and the man was disabled and wa extremely abusive to his poor wife.

Do you feel that the last few years have been better partly because you’ve ’learned To behave yourself’? Or did he recognise his abuse and address it?

Good luck with your new life. Wave goodbye to all that.

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

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MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:12

Feel free to tell him that I have been married for 35 years and we’ve had plenty of discussions/ disagreements and arguments, none of which have included threats, abuse or any intention to cause damage.

I hope you don’t accept his reasoning.

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:12

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/10/2024 18:02

It sounds like you've based your decision on your honest feelings OP, and no one can criticise you for that. The horrors of the abuse he used to put you through, may have faded, but the damage done, is obviously still there inside you, so go for it. Start a new life while you can. In my opinion, it's never too late to live the life that is right for YOU! I wish you well.

Thank you. I’ve lost all trust in him and can never forgive how he treated me at my most vulnerable moments.

It just seems silly sometimes to be leaving because I’m still remembering what he said to me 10 years ago, some stuff one year ago etc. Leaving straight after the incident would make more sense.

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Bryonny84 · 12/10/2024 18:14

Yes you should leave. What if he reverts to type once the children are older or have grown up? You'll be on your own, creeping around the house, worrying about him coming home from being out. Get sorted and go now. These kinds of people rarely change.

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:15

It’s difficult as he can be no nice, so kind and so reasonable. That me upping and leaving out of the blue will make me look like the bad guy who’s abandoned her husband and broke his heart.

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Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:16

Bryonny84 · 12/10/2024 18:14

Yes you should leave. What if he reverts to type once the children are older or have grown up? You'll be on your own, creeping around the house, worrying about him coming home from being out. Get sorted and go now. These kinds of people rarely change.

I don’t believe he’s changed. He love bombs and my oldest has accused him of being fake and says that even his voice is fake when he love bombs

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Ozanj · 12/10/2024 18:16

I would wait until your youngest is 18 and out of the house and then leave. But definitely begin to get your finances sorted. Take advantage of his generosity and create a secret fund only you know about that you pay any spare cash into every month - enough to secure a nice rental somewhere far away. If you’re not working try and get back into the workplace. If you think he’ll get nasty again you might want to think about practical ways to create a distance - eg work permit abroad / name change.

Igmum · 12/10/2024 18:17

YADNBU. I don't blame you for flinching when he goes past. You really can't live with a man like that. Listen to your body. I'm sure he can be wonderful sometimes but that's irrelevant. Good luck OP

AW24 · 12/10/2024 18:19

If you're thinking/planning on leaving then you don't love him. Aside from everything else!

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:22

AW24 · 12/10/2024 18:19

If you're thinking/planning on leaving then you don't love him. Aside from everything else!

I don’t love him anymore 😔 I care for him and don’t wish him harm. My hope is that we can co parent amiably and can communicate with each other with maturity. I fear that he’s going to hate my guts for leaving him.

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Lucytheloose · 12/10/2024 18:23

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:09

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

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Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? It is typical for an abuser to minimise his own behaviour, whilst putting the worst possible construction on the other party's. And it's irrelevant whether he remembers the hurtful things he has said; the point is that you do.

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:28

He’s called me abusive and shouted loudly in public that I was abusing him. I was close to calling the police after he did that to “protect him” Ridiculous eh?

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Motherland2624 · 12/10/2024 18:30

Be careful though he won’t be amicable when u decide to leave he will revert to his true nature
I has exactly the same situation more or less I was constantly told by him and others it was my fault that I couldn’t get over the past and to some extent I agreee I should of left way earlier he handled the split so badly and his true nature showed everyone was completely shocked

HomeTheatreSystem · 12/10/2024 18:31

Leave him: you don't want to be facing the worst of him again as you both move into older age. As you said, you've lost trust in him and that's a good enough reason to walk away.

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/10/2024 18:35

Yup, leave.

He's not mellowed. You've learned how to behave in order not to trigger that behaviour from him, and that is not the same thing as him realising his behaviour was inappropriate and stopping it. YOu can tell this because he will still behave that way at times and he justifies it.

No, it is not normal to fight dirty. I argue with my DP sometimes - that involves me telling him I am really pissed off about something, telling him why, and us discussing how we can avoid this happening in future (or vice versa of course!)

It does not involve me threatenign to piss on his stuff or throw things at him!

Soangrynupset · 12/10/2024 18:41

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:09

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

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I hope you know that this is not true. It is not normal to fight 'dirty' with the person you are in a couple with.
I remember a therapist saying that it is not that successful couples don't fight but that they fight respectfully.

He is gaslighting you.
From your posts, he has not stopped abusing you, the frequency has reduced that's all. And that's why your body flinches.
I would not be surprised that when you leave him, you will notice changes in your behaviour, in your sleep, in your mental health, in your happiness and 'at-peace' levels.

Crushed23 · 12/10/2024 18:41

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

What a load of gaslighting shite.

Your body is already rejecting him - your mind is just catching up now.

I could never forgive the sort of behaviour he put you through, and STILL puts you through - 'once or twice a year' is still far too frequent. I suspect you're never truly at ease around him.

Nothatgingerpirate · 12/10/2024 18:44

Yes, just sort yourself out financially as a PP said, with his generosity and then quietly FO to your own peaceful life, where you don't have to flinch.
Good decision! 🍀

Original poster

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:52

Just had an incident with him a couple of minutes ago - our son is autistic (severe end) and was having a bad meltdown, he lashed out at my husband and he said “get off me you little shit” I told him to please don’t call him that and he said here we go again and I’m going to start punishing him again.

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Choochoo21 · 12/10/2024 18:53

I would be running as fast as I can.

I don’t understand why you have left it so long to leave (I know it’s not easy when you’re being abused).

Even if he has mellowed, how can you ever forgive him to things that he’s done.

I would never let that man anywhere near me ever again.