Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

[JazzieJazzie]

I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my situation.

Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

Day to day my husband and I get along fine.
He works hard and provides well for our household.
He is generous with money and makes a huge fuss on my birthdays and Christmas.
He compliments me and tells me how much he fancies me, is very affectionate (he says he wishes I felt the same way)
Hes funny and we make each other laugh.
He’s affectionate with the children
He does stuff around the house
He says most women would kill for a husband like him.
I get to go out and see friends etc.

In the past he’s been abusive towards me, in the early days when I was pregnant and when our children were very young.
There was -
Regular name calling
Threats to pick up large objects and smash me with them
Threats to urinate on my personal items
Intimidation
Threats to kill himself.
Telling me to go kill myself (in anger)
Punching walls and pushing over large objects
Mocking
Telling me I am indifferent to our children
Telling me I ignored our son for the first two years of his life.
Insulting my family and friends
Insulting my intelligence

I did not know much about abuse in the early days and I also was very good at putting on a show that we were the perfect family. I thought cos he wasn’t physical with me that it wasn’t proper abuse.

My husband, now that the children are much older, has “mellowed” somewhat and the worse incidents happened many years ago.

As things are normal day to day and we are all getting along, I feel like my leaving him now will come as a bolt out of the blue. I plan to tell him once I have a new place set up to go to.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Yes I agree, the trust has gone and abuse or no abuse, I don’t want to be married to him anymore. I’m older and wiser now and thankfully have a proper plan in place. Before it was a case of telling him to leave after a nasty incident then a few weeks later taking him back. Setting up home independently feels like a proper fresh start. He won’t be able to claim my new house as his and it will be a fresh start. It feels unfair sometimes as I’m having to leave everything behind, all furniture and almost everything I own due to doing this in secret but it will be worth it in the end.

Couples counselling does not mean staying together. It can mean clarifying what is going on and getting support with breaking up. If the OP has started three threads about this she needs some professional help and MN is not enough.

You never do couples counselling with an abuser.
Op can get individual counselling.

I’ve been signposted by Women’s Aid to individual counselling which I’m starting soon. H always refused to go to couples counselling and I realise now it’s not recommended when there’s been abuse.

I am assuming you have got some legal advice to protect yourself and your interests?
As far as parents or anyone else is concerned, they don't walk in your shoes so if they can't support you they can just butt out. If they haven't lived it they don't know what you have endured.
Stay strong, life is short... look forward and enjoy the peace and freedom waiting for you. X

My parents aren’t aware of the full extent of what’s been going on. I did mention one incident as to why I left a while ago but they don’t know how bad things have been.

I’m seeking advice from a solicitor recommended by Women’s Aid.

I think it’s instructive that you want to set yourself up first before you tell him. It demonstrates your fear of his reactions. I would record when you give him the news. You need evidence just in case

. It can help if one or both people aren’t sure whether there is abuse. That’s great that you have individual counselling starting soon. best of luck getting free.

Agreed . !
An abuser will use this to blame you even more and “get another on side “

This.

Never.

Important to be clear on how you would prefer the DC would spend their time (although by age 10ish they have a say) so you are not blindsided by him announcing 50:50. If he wants 50:50 does that work for you? Would he need to only have supervised contact?

If you simply didn’t love him and wanted to leave him and he hadn’t been abusive, that alone would be enough. He is an abusive, manipulative arsehole. I bet he manages not to explode around other people.

When you do get away... tell people the truth.. do not cover for him. You will find out who are real friends and who pay lip service and who are not worth your time and energy. Don't worry, they will identify themselves to you!
Keep your plans and your dreams to yourself. Don't confide in people until they have proven they deserve your trust, there will be some batting for the other side.

Just adding to the good advice everyone’s already given you OP.
Don’t tell him too much or too soon.
Get yourself all sorted first. He’ll use any bit of information you give him to use against you.
He won’t really have mellowed, he’s just Jekyll & Hyde.

YANBU but I strongly recommend you secretly contact Women's Aid and have a safe exit plain in place. Its likely that he is being nice because he think he has got you trained.
Do not warn him in advance of your plans.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

I am happy for him to have the DCs and do 50/50 if he suggests it although with his shift work (nights/very late finishes and 12 hour days) it’s unlikely that he would manage 50/50. I would never take the kids away from him and I hope he will be reasonable when it comes to discussing arrangements but I doubt it!

I don’t know why but this line:

He says most women would kill for a husband like him.

Raised my hackles.

OP, you husband's behaviour sounds like my partner's. Right down to the calling you an abuser when it's him!
I can imagine writing a very similar post in a few years. Leave him and enjoy the rest of your life. I wish you well. x

Oh gosh, I’m sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. I hope you too find the strength to leave him and live a peaceful happy life X

Yeah he says that a lot. How I’m so lucky to have him and how I don’t know I am born etc. He compares himself to some husbands who forget their wives birthdays and are generally a bit “useless” etc. He gets high praise from the women he works with about how amazing he is 🙄

Before you leave get evidence of his behaviour. Start talking to women’s aid and get the behaviour recorded officially with police and SS before you leave for family court purposes. Tell you dr what he has behaving like and get it documented.

Otherwise you may find he’s going to use the children to further abuse you.

the behaviour needs to be recorded. Get your son to tell his teachers about what daddy is like.

Do get evidence of his behaviour before uou leave, if you can.
If you are able to get evidence, keep it safe but do not go to the police and SS before you leave.
They will go to speak with him etc and that will make your leaving an even more dangerous time for you.

Please, be careful the advice you take from on here. People that have not been through such abuse it, giving dangerous advice though well meaning.

Good thing you are in touch with women's aid. Be guided by them.