Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

[JazzieJazzie]

I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my situation.

Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

Day to day my husband and I get along fine.
He works hard and provides well for our household.
He is generous with money and makes a huge fuss on my birthdays and Christmas.
He compliments me and tells me how much he fancies me, is very affectionate (he says he wishes I felt the same way)
Hes funny and we make each other laugh.
He’s affectionate with the children
He does stuff around the house
He says most women would kill for a husband like him.
I get to go out and see friends etc.

In the past he’s been abusive towards me, in the early days when I was pregnant and when our children were very young.
There was -
Regular name calling
Threats to pick up large objects and smash me with them
Threats to urinate on my personal items
Intimidation
Threats to kill himself.
Telling me to go kill myself (in anger)
Punching walls and pushing over large objects
Mocking
Telling me I am indifferent to our children
Telling me I ignored our son for the first two years of his life.
Insulting my family and friends
Insulting my intelligence

I did not know much about abuse in the early days and I also was very good at putting on a show that we were the perfect family. I thought cos he wasn’t physical with me that it wasn’t proper abuse.

My husband, now that the children are much older, has “mellowed” somewhat and the worse incidents happened many years ago.

As things are normal day to day and we are all getting along, I feel like my leaving him now will come as a bolt out of the blue. I plan to tell him once I have a new place set up to go to.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

It’s always been the practical side of things that’s prevented my leaving. I tried to leave a number of times before but it was in the moment with no plan in place. I received much pressure from my parents and mil to take him back and I caved unfortunately. This time I have everything meticulously planned and I won’t be making him leave, I will have my own home all set up ready to move into.

Sorry for what you've been through, sounds like you have made the right choice. I wish you all the best for your new life. Onward and upward as they say.

He abused you when you were vulnerable, he will do so again. Get away from him, but line up everything before you flush the chain so to speak. Expect either love bombing or lunatic behaviour when you tell him.
The ladies on here will give you fabulous advice on what to do.

Well done you!!

Now, be very careful. Please, don't let him know your plans. And don't let many people kniw your plans. One trusted friend is all you need.

From your posts, i would not even tell your parents.

When women try to leave abusive situations, that's when they are most vulnerable. The partners can escalate. And do not think that 'he is not the type'. Women continue to be surprised by 'he is not the type' abusive partners.

This time I have everything meticulously planned and I won’t be making him leave, I will have my own home all set up ready to move into.

This is one of the best things I have heard in a long time.
Well done you OP!

I can’t wait for you to start your new life and be away from this vile man for good.

I wouldn’t treat an insect as awful as he’s treated you and this was a man who supposedly loved you.
He’s disgusting.

Thank you, I can’t wait to begin my new life although I still have moments of realisation where I think “Am I actually doing this??”

I will keep posting and updating everyone on how things go - Mumsnet has really been brilliant and so supportive. I couldn’t have done it without all you lovely ladies. 💕

All the very best to you OP. I’m so pleased to hear you’re all set up, or nearly there. You poor, poor woman. I’m nervous just reading about him, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be stuck with him all those years.

But there are still incidents a couple of times a year. So even though they are not as frequent, you must be in a constant state of high alert waiting for him to kick off again. That's no way to live.

Him justifying himself as "everyone does or says this" is abuse. It's minimising of you.

Him moaning that you are "going to punish him" when he crosses your boundaries and you ask him not to is also abuse.

I suspect you have become so used to things that you think he's only abusing you once or twice a year.

Were your parents and MIL aware of how abusive he was to you?

I'm shocked that your parents did not support you to leave back then.

That all sounds horrible OP. hugely abusive. Trust your gut and get away.

His abuse will kick off much worse at the point of leaving.

You need to plan carefully .
You are not happy , you don’t trust him , he still
abuses you . Your kids can see through him.

You only reason for leaving is “because you want too “ simple
Your life your choice not his

Firstly, even if it was a while ago, it still happened and it's normal to take a while to realise and get your head around the fact that you're in an abusive relationship and to stop pretending to yourself and others that everything is ok.

Secondly he obviously has no remorse or insight and takes no responsibility for his behaviour, blaming it all on you. The only way I could forgive someone is if they accepted they had been wrong and sincerely promised to change (even then I wouldn't put too much faith in them)

Thirdly it sounds like abuse is still ongoing even if it's not as bad as before but I think it probably is still quite bad and you will realise that even more once you've moved out.

Your comment at 18. 04 says it all. But how will your plans work in terms of children? Do you leave the family home and take the children with you? Or should you stay in the family home with the children and apply for a divorce as a different means of exit? Would that be in your and their interest? If not, can you set up a new home for you and them and finance it? Perhaps you should consult and get legal advice about different options before deciding which way to manage this.

Good on you OP. His nice guy behaviour sounds like an act & manipulative. He knows how vile he was & prob still is at times & like you say is love bombing you. You sound strong & like you've got a plan - good luck!

OP, I spent 13 years in this position, in the beginning all of the bad, and it simmering down inbetween, until he seriously hurt me and I nearly ended up not being here anymore. You are doing the right thing!

It just seems silly sometimes to be leaving because I’m still remembering what he said to me 10 years ago, some stuff one year ago etc. Leaving straight after the incident would make more sense.

leaving out of the blue will make me look like the bad guy who’s abandoned her husband and broke his heart.

This is heartbreaking to read. I'm so glad to read further and know that you are in action to protect yourself and your DC.

Please know that there is nothing "silly" about getting away from an abuser. Careful planning and preparation. You absolutely deserve a life without abuse.

Have at it. All the very best.

So glad to read that you’re planning to leave him and wishing you a steadfast strength.

When a thought like “this will look like I’m the bad one” pops in your head, firstly - people won’t think it’s as simple as that, but more importantly, even if someone thought that, who the hell cares?! This is your life and your wellbeing that you’re doing it for, as well as showing your kids that an abuser is not a real partner.

Agree he has not mellowed - you are not as vulnerable now so he knows he cannot get away with the same level of behaviour.

How old are the dc now?

Oldest is a teen and youngest is 8. Yes I think that’s true, I was very vulnerable when pregnant and with new DCs. Our relationship had moved very fast and within a year I was pregnant and living far away from my friends and family.

Yesterday he moaned about how I now have “zero tolerance” to bad behaviour/slip ups and I now make him “pay” (I call him out now but if I think about it there’s still a lot that I remain quiet about)

Thank you, it’s hard to get rid of thoughts like that. Husband can put on an act and is capable of twisting situations to make him look like a victim. Last time I left he was sobbing for weeks in his mother’s house and sobbing to my oldest that I had kicked him out and won’t allow him to come home. Even though I had begged him to leave the children out of it and say that he was staying up his mums due to work etc.

It’s ok that you can’t get past how he’s treated you before, and tbh doesn’t sound like he’s ever apologised properly or acknowledged his behaviour was abusive, and doesn’t really sound like he’s changed.

so yes, personally I think you are doing the right thing.
you’re allowed to leave the relationship for any reason. For something that happened yesterday or something that happened 10 years ago. If it’s broken beyond repair and those feelings of love and trust are gone (of course they are if he treated you like that), then that’s that.
it won’t be easy but you will come out the other side freer x

Thank you so much. I think in the early days I was so scared to leave and genuinely had no idea how to escape. I remember in the early days we were fighting and he looked me dead in the eye and said that if I ever take our son away (DS was a couple of months old) he would kill me. He was deadly serious and what he said has remained with me ever since. I think that threat actually caused me to stay out of fear in the early days. I’ve actually made a pact with myself and after speaking to Women’s Aid (who are amazing) that if he ever says anything similar again or threatens suicide I will immediately call the police. I wish I had called them years ago.

Even once is too much . He somehow has his violent responses under control most the time but they pop out occasionally so you’re still scared. if you’re not sure about leaving try couples counselling first.

OP, DO NOT do couples counselling with your abuser.
This is extremely poor advice.

You are on the right path.
Leave him, heal, build a peaceful and happy life for yourself.