Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

[JazzieJazzie]

I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my situation.

Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

Day to day my husband and I get along fine.
He works hard and provides well for our household.
He is generous with money and makes a huge fuss on my birthdays and Christmas.
He compliments me and tells me how much he fancies me, is very affectionate (he says he wishes I felt the same way)
Hes funny and we make each other laugh.
He’s affectionate with the children
He does stuff around the house
He says most women would kill for a husband like him.
I get to go out and see friends etc.

In the past he’s been abusive towards me, in the early days when I was pregnant and when our children were very young.
There was -
Regular name calling
Threats to pick up large objects and smash me with them
Threats to urinate on my personal items
Intimidation
Threats to kill himself.
Telling me to go kill myself (in anger)
Punching walls and pushing over large objects
Mocking
Telling me I am indifferent to our children
Telling me I ignored our son for the first two years of his life.
Insulting my family and friends
Insulting my intelligence

I did not know much about abuse in the early days and I also was very good at putting on a show that we were the perfect family. I thought cos he wasn’t physical with me that it wasn’t proper abuse.

My husband, now that the children are much older, has “mellowed” somewhat and the worse incidents happened many years ago.

As things are normal day to day and we are all getting along, I feel like my leaving him now will come as a bolt out of the blue. I plan to tell him once I have a new place set up to go to.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

I don't know any women who regret leaving, only women who regret not leaving sooner.

I'm a lone parent, my life is very peaceful.

Sounds like he is still abusive and that has not changed. People typically say this when they want you to lower their standards with your expectations from them.

What an arrogant, self aggrandising prick he is.

Isn't this the absolute definition of gaslighting?

I could and did leave a man like your husband after 21 years together, in November 2022.

The worst physical abuse (black eye) in November 2015 but lower level abuse (pinching causing bruising, pushing etc) plus smashing up the house plus ongoing verbal abuse was continuous.

Like you I was very good at putting on an act - no one believed how bad he was. We are both very middle class lawyers. I have only just reported him to the police as DS9 came home after a weekend with him with a bruise on his inner upper arm from exH pinching him 😵‍💫 I wish I’d gone to the police years ago. Certainly I wish I had gone during the period of the split as he was completely psycho.

Great that you are getting a plan together. Make sure you have money of your own stashed. All ours was joint and he cleared it out (tens of thousands) within hours of me telling him we would separate. I got it back but only after threatening the police.

Have someone with you for your and the kids safety when you tell him you are leaving.

Tell a trusted friend as much as possible about what has been going on.

Record him if possible when he is in a rage. I have a few of these recordings and they have been invaluable - both in terms of galvanising me when things got tough, and letting him know I have them and will use them if I have to.

Go to the police - I found them so helpful and really practical and validating of my experience. I had already well left by then. If i was still living with him I think it could have been very scary and stressful.

Don’t assume it will be amicable or he will be a 50/50 parent. My ex has my kids every other weekend. Tbh I’d like to knock that on the head given his behaviour, but unfortunately the Courts don’t seem to view DV as a dealbreaker for access so I try to walk a line between minimal access to avoid him seeking more time via Court. Now I have logged a police complaint he is on notice. I am not sure that will
stop
him.

Good luck with everything. I have never regretted my decision for a moment. Life can be amazing ❤️

You no longer wish to be married or live with him (& for good reason).

You have prepared a home to keep yourself and your children safe, thus you are fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and the children.

YANBU because you have the right to choose how you live your life. Good luck & be happy!

In his world, you asking him not to call his son a little shit, is a punishment. You are taking away his treat.

I expect he will go into full crybully mode so please anticipate that.
Also to be expected is him behaving as if you need his approval or permission- neither of these is necessary and you can divorce regardless of any feelings he has.

Most people don’t fight dirty, they fight about the issue bearing in mind that the relationship is important to them and should not be taken for granted. He has thrown away what he says he values - what a fool, and no one wants to be married to a fool.

Im so sorry you went through that, your ex sounds similar to my husband apart from the physical side of things. Sorry you are still having difficulties- you did the right thing reporting him to the police. I definitely wish I had recorded my husbands outbursts, our friends and family would find it hard to believe how he can be behind closed doors. We too are a nice, decent family, middle class and generally seen as decent, good people.

Do you mind if I ask how you left him in the end? Did you tell him face to face then leave that very day? Were you the one to move out and did you take the children with you? My plan is to tell him either face to face then leave straight away to go to my new house or leave then text him that we are over and then be in touch about childcare arrangements. The last time I told him it was over he begged and cried then eventually left to stay at his Mums. The first time he was very nasty as I had to tell him to leave after one of the worst incidents where I was genuinely scared that he would hurt either me, the children or himself. I wish I had phoned the police back then as at least there would be a record of that incident. He blames his behaviour on a “mental breakdown”

OP, please don't tell him before you leave.
Tell once you have left. Then immediately call the police/101/or go in person andnlet them know. Your address will be put on an alert system.

The fact that he is not physical now does not mean he cannot or will not become.

When you tell him, he may sense that something is different this time and that could make him desperate.

All I am saying, is just be very careful. Don't take anything about your H for granted.