Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

You see, I read it as someone who thinks they are making some grand feminist point and want to draw attention to it. Change your name or don't change your name - it's no big deal, no-one but you is bothered and the constant need to point it out is attention-seeking.

the irony is that they would consider you the rude one for assuming they were, and calling them old when they are in their fifties....

No, I'm saying the cheques had myfirstname hissurname and the bank account had myfirstname mymaidenname. It was Nationwide and they might have asked for my marriage certificate, I can't remember as I don't have a good memory (hence not remembering who has or hasn't changed their names). But I didn't need to change my name to deposit the cheques.

There are 2 parts to OPS post, the cheques which I get, and the surname on the envelope of the birthday card which I don't get.

It's just a surname, I don't remember everyone's surname even if they're not married, then there's the remembering if they took their husbands surname or not. I also don't remember all my friends and families middle names, because they are not important, what's important is their first name which is what's actually used in day to day life.

It's annoying when people can't be bothered to write your actual name though, if you've never been Mrs X then why people feel the need to call you that is annoying.

I agree. I'm a woman who retained my own family name on marriage. A number of my friends also did this. A number didn't.

As I suspect most people do, I can remember perfectly well what these people are called. Whatever my personal beliefs about the politics of patrilineal naming conventions, they are just that: mine. My friends and family members don't need to have some some petty, mean-minded point made against them in addressing them by a name I know perfectly well (and they know I know) isn't theirs. What this implicitly says is that I know better than you do, and that I'm right and you're not.

Why do this? Why would I knowingly and deliberately want to piss my friends off on their birthdays or other special occasions? I care about them.

That should say something about the motives of the dicks (yes, they are being dicks) who persist in doing this.

A woman wants to be called by her own name, and specifically this isn't about a nickname, it's not about supplanting Jenny for Jennifer, but about not being called someone else's name, where there are historical references for her of the history of women, and she's made to feel small. She's told she needs to get over herself, that she has a chip on her shoulder, etc. How can people not understand that it's 100% ok that this matters to her, and that it doesn't to you.

Literally all you are being asked to do is remember someone's name.

I get the same, Mrs Hisname rather than Dr Myname
Whether family or friends I take it as they’re lack of respect and anxiety at trying to accommodate things outside their own (antiquated) experience

Is there a way a woman can want to be addressed correctly without it being attention seeking and if so, could you explain what it is?

But they are presumably older ladies, aren't they? Based on the fact that they are your aunts and you're 47, so another (older) generation: my point is that they probably do things in a different fashion and are set in their own ways. It's nice that they send you a card for your birthday, though, so I'd focus on that. Happy birthday btw!

Nobody cares about any of this.

Definitely and maybe photo id

again, though. If you can manage to remember someone's birthday and address (both of which have vastly more options) then why is it the surname, which will only be one of two options, that is so hard to recall?

and if you can't remember the address and birthday of everyone you might want to send cards to, but instead rely on this information being written down then surely you can add their surname to wherever it is written. In fact, if they haven't changed their surname it involves even less effort, because you don't need to update their details, and just assume they are the same.

I'm nearly 60. She was dead before television remotes were the norm. She always had a house phone and used her twin tub until she needed help. Conditioning, especially that which is beaten into you, takes a lot to break. Women were conditioned and saw other women who tried to challenge things, beaten black and blue/sent to homes/asylums. Then you've got Catholicism thrown in. My Mother (born 1928) on the other hand went from growing up in a house with gas lighting, to working on a Computer. They were the generation of change.

It is very rude if you do it on principle. I do it to someone in my family because she's horrible and it's a small thrill to know it will annoy her. My lively in laws all do it to me because they think it's the correct thing and have no malice so it doesn't worry me at all, I'm just grateful they remember all our special days and make the effort to send cards and presents with real love and care in their hearts.

Clearly some of us do.

My husband’s family did this for years until I publicly lost my shit on Facebook when BIL used Mrs Hisname. I knew he knew because DH had to remind them to make sure my place name for their wedding and SIL got a bit snippy. Since FB gate no one has done it. It’s bloody rude and not ok.

well you’re wrong about that.

I’m 57 - married twice and never changed my name. Age has fuck all to do with it.

I’m not even married and some people send post to me as Mrs DP’s surname. It’s mildly annoying but can’t get too worked up about it

Some people are better at remembering dates, and some people are better at remembering names. Some people are good at writing stuff down and others aren't.

I have one aunt that sends me cards on my brother's birthday, I don't get offended just think it's nice she's thinking of me.
My sister sometimes sends stuff to my old address, I don't get offended just laugh that whoever is living there gets nice presents every now and again.

While they may be kind to send the cards they are also making the point that they disapprove of your choices. It is intentional and a way of trying to influence you. A similar thing would be someone consistently buying you lipstick when they know you don't like to wear it, or books when you've told them you don't read. Because they are being generous it sounds petty to complain and they know that. It is disrespectful.

Obviously I haven't forgotten what the husband's name is if I'm using it! You say it's less offensive to use the maiden name if you can't remember which she uses. But to the generation brought up in the 60's and before, that isn't the polite option. And yes, I know things have changed - but that's an intellectual knowledge, my gut still says the polite option is the one drummed into me as a growing child

I didn't say or suggest it did? I was replying to the poster I quoted who excused the aunts using the wrong name as "two old ladies trying to be polite" and suggesting anyone who had any issue with it was an "ultra mad feminist," by pointing out the irony that said aunts wouldn't appreciate that defence, as I doubt many 50 year olds would like being called an old lady.

It sounds brusque and abrupt to use just the first name. Doesn't sound so bad if you're addressing two people - Susan and John. But not just Susan on its own.

But if I put Susan maiden name when she's one of the people who's made a definite choice to use her husband's name (like my DIL has), then she'll be upset, as if I'm denying her marriage. The upset can work the other way.

Since what was drummed into me as a child was using the "married" name, then obviously that's what my gut is telling me will cause less offence.

(Which is why, unless I'm very sure of my ground, in RL I use first names).

Coping with the modern world with my internalised good manners learnt over half a century ago is almost like trying to remember the good and bad manners of a different culture.