Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Yes the tradition is to pass on the paternal name of the two but not always. Javier Bardem I believe uses his mother’s as the main name of his two surnames.

I also love your suggestion which is the fairest of all!

Imo the mothers name should be the default with divorce so prevalent, and the dc usually staying mostly with their mums (50/50 still isn't sought or wanted by many men). If a woman goes on to remarry and have more children they will all have the same name too, her name.

I get this all the time, even from people of my own age. My late MIL also got our DCs surnames wrong. Not sure if it was memory or just passive aggressive arsiness. BIL also gets DCs surnames wrong. Says he can't spell my surname (even though he has a Phd so must have a decent memory 🙄).

DH doesn’t have a surname which indicates who he is married to - why should I!

Mrs Parker literally means “wife of Mr Parker”.

Ms Parker in this situation makes more sense.

If I have to use anything I use Mrs although it rarely comes up. Don’t like Ms. I’m not a possession belonging to anyone.

I'm a Ms, but can get on board with women using titles in ways that don't make sense when compared to the traditional meanings. If we can't get rid of all the titles that relate to marital status, the next best thing is to erode the meanings.

we had to open a joint bank account for some of the cheques we received.
I don't mind the ones that used just his surname (even though I double barelled, because my surname is very rare) but I was fuming about the ones that assumed we were both now called Richard. my name is not, and never will be Richard.

Compromise is my situation would have meant a double barrelled name. I’ve already said how double barrelled was a no no for me.
How would Lucy Johnson-Smythe and David Pendlebury-Jones go about compromising if they were both adamant the kids had to take their names?
Johnson-Smyth-Pendlebury-Jones?

😂

Ah give over, it’s tradition! And anyway the old dears doing it were probably ancient, like 53 or something, and probably think all married women are called Richard! Get over yourself you feminazi!

Johnson-Jones
Johnson-Pendlebury
Smythe-Jones
Pendlebury-Smythe

It's not difficult.

No it’s not difficult—but it is ridiculous 😂😂😂

Why is it ridiculous?

This is how it works in other European countries, who no doubt think the expectation that women name change is ridiculous.

Meh, I couldn't get het up about it because I have much more difficult issues in my life than whether I should be Ms or Mrs and which name I use. Incidentally, I use both for different reasons and I am happy with my choice.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just called them and had it out with them? You're arguing with people online (and coming across quite aggressive and rude tbh) but yet you haven't said that you've directly confronted "Auntie Flo" and said why are you doing this??

Get out from behind the screen and talk to them like adults. Not petulantly throwing a card away unopened instead of confronting them. If, after that, they still do it then fair enough, fuck them.

Why is it ridiculous?

I find this so weird I genuinely do. The assuming that somebody changes their name post marriage is weird to me.

It’s possible to get het up about small things even if you have different bigger problems in life.

Of course it is, I'm saying that I couldn't get het up about it as I have bigger issues happening. You know, my personal opinion.

Yeah. The last 19 times of doing that were just a warm up. (Actually, 19 birthday cards but there have also been Xmas cards - we don’t do Xmas so all of those go in the bin - plus the cheques.)

I’m sure they’re just waiting for reminder 20 to get it through their skulls.

You use both names so of course you wouldn’t mind. <sigh>

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat you threw cheques away just because you "don't do Christmas" ?

She is not coming according as aggressive - the nss as me they use to address her by is not her name in any shape or form, legally or otherwise. They even send cheques made out to a name that they have repeatedly been told does not exist, so these cheques can never be banked. That in its self it sounds like the aunts are having a laugh. And over the period of 20 years, she has pointed this mistake out on numerous occasions.

And when you have directly asked them "why are you sending in this name to me" what have they responded?

Or have you not actually directly asked and just acted passive aggressive by throwing the offending bits of paper in the bin?