Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

But you might not want to...

Id just remind him it's the disrespect of not talking about it and the shitty attitude to assume you'd take over on your own for a week with no conversation. He's disrespectful and gaslighting the shit out of you. Tell him you're booking a week on your own too

Why would it not be fine if you wanted to meet friends? This is like saying he helps with housework. You need to raise the bar!

What do you teach, in what kind of school? How do your colleagues' lives compare?

Two things.

1. do you like this guy and basically enjoy your marriage

2. would you be ok with him going away with his friends if it was a discussion and mutual agreement?

If you unsure about (1) then maybe this is a useful wake up call.

If (2) is true then make sure he understands that.

It sounds like the actual going away with friends at all may actually be a part of your hating it?

All the more reason to say, well you say you’re not wrong; I disagree, so we are at an impasse.

I enjoy the time we spend together.
yes i would be fine if he discussed it and it was for 2/3 days.
its the assumptions, victim playing and blaming me that is riling me up and making this situation worse

You keep saying that he ‘provides’ for the family. You work, as well. So, you both ‘provide’ in that sense, do you not?

You also keep saying ‘I don’t know what I can do!’ OP, with respect, stop being such a doormat. He’s done something selfish and stupid, tell him that. You’re entitled to be angry, you’re entitled to state what you do and do not find acceptable.

If you’d booked a week in Morocco with your friends and not told him until it was a done deal, how would he react?

Also in my head i now see his friends thinking im a door mat.

He would never accept me doing that and would refuse to look after the kids for a week,

yes we both provide, outgoings are roughly split 50/50

Because you are, OP. But, you can stop being one.

Also, the fact that you have never met any of these ‘friends’ is dodgy as hell. None of this is normal.

I look back when i had my baby i was so elated because we went through ivf, but i exclusively bf him so i was tired and i should have been more vocal about him going out to eat 2/3 times a week and i didn’t because i focused on my baby as well, ive ended up doing so much more , literally all he does is goes out and works. Im doing the school pick up drop offs insuring the fridge is full my kids are all ready for school . Ive let this happen

He would never accept me doing that and would refuse to look after the kids for a week,

So, why are you accepting it? Where’s your backbone?

yes we both provide, outgoings are roughly split 50/50

So stop going on about him ‘providing’ and ‘helping’. You’re equal partners with the exact same rights and responsibilities in an adult relationship. Do you think he’s telling his ‘friends’ what a great ‘provider’ you are?

I may just be an old cynic but are you sure he is going with his friends?

I agree. And Morocco? I've been twice, wonderful country and people but not really a place a bunch of guys would go to.

OP, I'm sorry but you sound very passive about your family set-up. I would be furious if my husband came to me with a fait accompli. (i.e. organising something without discussing it with me first).

Well, it seems to me you have two choices.
You let him go, but you both have a proper conversation about why this wasn't acceptable when he's back.
You don't let him go and you both have the proper conversation now.
You then decide together what is and isn't acceptable going forward in your marriage, so you're both clear and he can't pull the 'you said it was ok/I told you/I didn't think you'd mind' rubbish in future.
My gut feeling is to let him go, otherwise he'll be resentful and half term will be shit anyway and he'll be even less keen to have The Conversation. You're clearly not getting anywhere with him at the moment anyway because he's being a twat and refusing to accept he did anything wrong.
Then you try to make the best of the week without him, try to have a bit of fun with the kids either at home or away, maybe get someone to mind the children for a few hours here and there so you have a bit of child-free time. Then do as above when he's back. It'll give you both much-needed time to reflect on his actions and how you want to take things forward.

my worry is if i dont stop him gonig this time then he will do it again

my worry is if i dont stop him gonig this time then he will do it again

I don't know if stopping him going this time would have much impact on whether he does it again?

Don't you dare blame yourself for this. You shouldn't have had to be more vocal, because he should have bloody well known it isn't acceptable to be going out 3 times a week when your wife's just had a new baby and needs support.
You haven't let this happen-he chose to make it happen.
And he doesn't 'only' work, he's still having his one meet-up a week. Are YOU having a meet up once a week with friends? No, didn't think so.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone that I had to make “stop” doing something that hurt me. I’d want to be married to a man that 1) wouldn’t put himself in a position to hurt me in the first place or 2) accept the mistake once he realises how upset I am and apologise.

You say about hiding his passport or stopping him going. I just think if he loves you and cares about you and the kids he would decide on his own that he’s been an idiot and cancel the trip.

Myself and DH take our own occasional trips with friends (2-3 nights max) neither of us would disrespect each other enough to go away for a full week and just “expect” the other to pick up all the childcare

He said hes learnt a lesson for next time and wont do it but then proceeds to act like hes done nothing wrong!!! All he had to do was discuss it with me , why was that so hard???

OP you’re often using the phrases he ‘helps out’ a lot and ‘provides’.

Helping out = the very basic parenting. Suggests you think this is somehow going over and above. It’s not. Is being a teacher not providing? Why is he ‘providing’ and you’re what, doing it for fun?

His holiday all sounds v odd to me.

Going out 2 or 3 nights a week when you have a newborn at home? What a prick. At that stage it was all hands on deck. if dh had gone out with his buddies 2 or 3 times a week I don't know what I'd have done - maybe asked him to see a doctor because he had lost his mind?

Ask him what his plans are for childcare for the week as by a coincidence you have booked a few days away with your mother that overlap so what is he going to do?

If he does go, book 5 days away without telling him and GO. just go. leave him to manage childcare and everything. put nothing in place for him.

But honestly this level of disrespect and cleaving to his mates rather than his family - doesn't bode well.

i said to him people take a few weeks to plan how have u gone from telling me portugal for 2,3 says to a week in morroco. He then said yeh but theres still 2 weeks till half term . But all this planning and everything was done so quickly. I only asked him on thursday what he had there on his phone because i saw sky scanner and he said oh weve booked flights to morocco for a week… i was in shock

what i am trying to say he does his fair share his not a bum at home. We lived abroad in the middle east and he looked after our 1 year okd while i worked fz He always went out on thursday to see his friends. It was discussed and i said thats completely fine u need that time to socialise it was never a problem

I know you’re upset OP but your comments are going around in circles.

Stop being a doormat, tell him if he goes the marriage is over and tell him you think he takes the piss, that you’re upset that he left you 2-3 nights when you had a new baby and that if he doesn’t sort himself out you’re leaving.

But ive seen a change this past year if i am completely honest. I felt like he was never really listening to me?? Constantly repeat what i say. Always messaging in the friends group chat. Its not like he would hide his phone or not let me go on it. So i would. See messages and voicenotes from his friends just silly childish stuff.