Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Selfish man. He wouldn't discuss it because he knew you'd say no. Have you asked when your week off is?

This. Or similar. For goodness sake, OP. Stand up for yourself.

yes i am in a state and my mind is all over the place.

Well i did give him a choice and he said his friends wont respect him and he will be a laughing stock. So implying he will still go even if i say no

Well then you know what to do then don’t you x

Also they sound like children then, and so does your DH.

“I can’t leave my wife and 2 kids for a week to run off to Morocco because I have responsibilities and a family”

And then what did YOU say? Did you ask him
why his friends’ respect is more important than yours? Did you ask him how he’d feel if you did the same thing? Did you categorically state that this was unacceptable?

Or did you say none of those things and let him walk all over you?

I’m very defensive on your behalf @Anonymous20003000 because you are carrying the load of the family and you’re being expected to regulate the behaviour of someone who’s supposed to be your partner. The ‘doormat’ comments I find so unhelpful and lacking in empathy.

Yes i said all of those things he just went quiet

I am trying for my kids sake , i am shocked this has happened to b honest, i feel so angry towards his friends and also angry at my husband for thinking this was all okay.

let say he goes what happens? What if he doesnt go what happens? I dont know how i will on from this either way

I made one of those comments and I was actually thinking it was probably unhelpful.

OP, I apologise for the harshness of that, but I am finding this extremely frustrating. I think I’ll stop commenting. I hope you find a resolution.

A decent man wouldn't have asked

Well, kindly, I think you need to stop expecting him to act any other way right now, because he's clearly not going to. In his mind, he's apologised and said he's not going to do it again, and he's expecting that apology & promise to be the end of it. Stressing over how he's acting is just making you feel worse but you can't control how he's acting. So take a deep breath, and try to look beyond that. To be honest, if it was me I'd be so angry I wouldn't be able to talk to him even, he'd be getting the silent treatment til he went away, and then The Talk when he's back, but only you know what will work for you.

Also, you're worrying that if you let him go may mean he does it again- again, kindly, whether you stop him or let him go, that's not going to be what influences that. If he wants to go again, even after he's said he won't do it again and he knows how that will hurt you, then he will do it. You stopping or not stopping him this time won't matter.

for all the how dare he book it without discussing it comments - op states "However i secretly planned a getaway for us" - so yes, different scenarios in that he is planning to swan odd with his mates, but communication seems a bit lacking.

Its also the thought of if he doesn't go and resents me?? But i dont want to get in to those mind games. Youre right he shouldn’t have done all this without asking me .
he probably thinks he will go come back and il calm down and things will go back to normal

He knew i was planning something for october half term but didnt know what

You did deserve to be told.

You know even if we didnt have kids surely you would pass this by your partner. It baffles me.
i think i need to become more independent and not depend on anything from him and become less attached. I think hes really taken advantage of my ways these past few years. Ive just organised an evening out with a friend tomorrow and he can deal with the kids

It's obvious he's going. It's obvious you won't leave him over it. Stop discussing it, wait until he is back and then a serious conversation about mutual respect and both doing your shares and getting equal relaxation time.

I think you have been programmed to repeat ‘work hard and provide, help out’

He is partaking in blame shifting and clearly dngaf about you to let you cook for nothing/go out with friends three times a week. Likely narcissist personality. Going away at term time is probably to make you feel like shit, sorry to say.

Are you sure he is meeting up with friends? Going away with friends?

Yes with friends ive seen the entire group chat with voice notes etc

Some are saying i should have stepped up when he was going out 2/3 times a week and now i think i should step up now and say no

Of course he thinks that. That's what he'd LIKE to happen. And yes, he probably will resent you if you tell him he can't go. So you're stuck between worrying about being seen as a doormat if you let him go, and worrying about him resenting you if you don't.
I'd let him go. Think about it, who gives a toss what those friends that you don't even know think about you? Let him go, let him calm down, let yourself have time to think about how you want to handle things when he gets back and what YOU want. You know that if this relationship is going to work he's going to have to be mature enough to acknowledge your feelings about it and to talk things through calmly with you. And a marriage counsellor if necessary. If he's not willing to do that, then it's up to you to decide if that's something you can let go and live with.

I will resent him each day whilst hes there enjoying himself he abandoned us and im stuck with the kids.

its just strange after this many years hes acting like this. Its like school kids and telling certain kids to not mix with certain groups as they can be bad influences.