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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband going away

552 replies

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 12:55

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

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Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:28

He has always played the victim well in most situations to be honest. Hes doing it again and saying he hasnt gone with friends anywhere but he has theyv had their fare share of outings,
all he had to do was tell me discuss it with me

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BruFord · 12/10/2024 22:29

I think it would be good to get to know their partners and families. I’d suggest a family-friendly get together so you can find out more about these friends.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:30

Codlingmoths · 12/10/2024 22:28

How does losing a bit of respect from friend line up against losing your wife’s respect?
do you know the friends wives? Especially the one who hasn’t been told!! If you do I’d tell her, I’d tell your husband you are very unhappy, this isn’t how people behave in a good marriage, and you know he knows that, and you are waiting to see how he makes up for it to decide, but if anything like this ever happens again you take it as a declaration that he wants out of the marriage.

No i dont know any of his friends or his wives , all i see and hear there stupid voicenotes silly messages on their whatsap group

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RandomWordsThrownTogether · 12/10/2024 22:31

Has he addressed the assumption that you would mind HIS kids without support or a break

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:31

First he was like ok u want me to not go and when i said yeh dont go then he said no. He didnt expect me to be like no. I said u can come up with a million excuses. But clearly he wants to go

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Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:32

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 12/10/2024 22:31

Has he addressed the assumption that you would mind HIS kids without support or a break

Its just an expectation isnt it , im the mum so i have to have the kids , hes the man he can do as he pleases

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Paperchase100 · 12/10/2024 22:32

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:30

No i dont know any of his friends or his wives , all i see and hear there stupid voicenotes silly messages on their whatsap group

You’ve been married for 15 years but don’t know anyone of these friends he is apparently going to Morocco with for 7 days?

Honestly I don’t know how you can put up with this…

I mean I’d be fine if DH went away for a couple of nights with friends because I’ve met them all and I trust DH. 2/3 nights once a year with mates isn’t too bad. I do the same. But 7 days with people you haven’t even met? Hmm.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 12/10/2024 22:33

Who are or were your friends? People you can lean on? It's not disloyal. It's human to have connections.

I'm worried that perhaps you're isolated and he exercises coercive control.

Codlingmoths · 12/10/2024 22:33

Can you take the kids to London? Use the booking anyway?

and when he says he hasn’t gone with friends anywhere, say he’s spent many hundreds of hours with them more than you’ve spent going out without him, so you do not care. If it was so important to get time out and he valued you then he surely have been pushing you to get out, so tell him either he doesnt care about you or he doesn’t need this time with friends, because it’s just not true that he’s special and important and you don’t matter.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:34

I think he knows if he does go life wont be the same for him with me. Part of me wants to hide the passport because his actually making this situation worse!!!

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Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:35

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 12/10/2024 22:33

Who are or were your friends? People you can lean on? It's not disloyal. It's human to have connections.

I'm worried that perhaps you're isolated and he exercises coercive control.

Its not that,, he encourages me to work and even if i want to meet friends its fine
but i think he is next level with his friends

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naomimn · 12/10/2024 22:36

I would just book a trip away by yourself or with a friend (ie without him) for a few days in Christmas holidays, maybe Jan, and say that's that, please enjoy. Oh you don't want me to go? How come? You're ok to go yourself with your mates?

HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 22:37

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:34

I think he knows if he does go life wont be the same for him with me. Part of me wants to hide the passport because his actually making this situation worse!!!

Put your big girl pants on and be upfront with him. Seriously if he was my DH he’d be getting the choice I posted earlier and I wouldn’t be putting up with the victim mentality either. How have you been married 15 years and never met these friends? That’s really odd, have you ever seen them?

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:37

It just keeps going round and round my head. Why didnt he just tell me before booking everything??? If he told me then i would have said no its out of the question 2-3 days is fine not a whole week…
ive cried far too much these past few days and hardly slept.

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Aria999 · 12/10/2024 22:38

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:34

I think he knows if he does go life wont be the same for him with me. Part of me wants to hide the passport because his actually making this situation worse!!!

I don't think this would help.

The issue isn't so much that he will be away - if he's there but sulking you would probably have a horrible half term anyway- it's the attitude, assumptions and disrespect that come with it.

If he doesn't decide for himself that he was being a jerk and cancel the trip (or at least seem genuinely apologetic and think how to make it up to you) then you have a problem whether or not he goes.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:38

HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 22:37

Put your big girl pants on and be upfront with him. Seriously if he was my DH he’d be getting the choice I posted earlier and I wouldn’t be putting up with the victim mentality either. How have you been married 15 years and never met these friends? That’s really odd, have you ever seen them?

Theyre all just scattered in different areas lol they meet up for food etc like they knew each other when they were younger

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Easipeelerie · 12/10/2024 22:39

Don’t try to stop him. Let him go and show you how disrespectful he is. And while he’s gone, get on with organising to split with him.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:39

Aria999 · 12/10/2024 22:38

I don't think this would help.

The issue isn't so much that he will be away - if he's there but sulking you would probably have a horrible half term anyway- it's the attitude, assumptions and disrespect that come with it.

If he doesn't decide for himself that he was being a jerk and cancel the trip (or at least seem genuinely apologetic and think how to make it up to you) then you have a problem whether or not he goes.

I definitely agree but a part of me is scared he does go i feel like hes friends are taking him away from me??? It sounds weird but i cant believe im saying it! How could he plan and book and discuss it all with them and not me his wife of 15 years and a mother to both of his kids?!

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HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 22:40

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:38

Theyre all just scattered in different areas lol they meet up for food etc like they knew each other when they were younger

But he was meeting them 3 times a week for food so they can’t be that far away. My mind is boggled that he’s had friends for over 15 years that he was meeting 3 times a week and not one has been to your home, met your children and you’ve never met their families.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:41

HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 22:40

But he was meeting them 3 times a week for food so they can’t be that far away. My mind is boggled that he’s had friends for over 15 years that he was meeting 3 times a week and not one has been to your home, met your children and you’ve never met their families.

No no he has goten closer to these friends only the past year prior to that hebwas always busy woth his other job and rarely went out with any friends. Its when he got anflexible job he had more time and thats when i went on maternity leave and had complete freedom

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SleepPrettyDarling · 12/10/2024 22:43

He is making this into a YOU problem. Which is wrong. He made the booking, he chose not to discuss it with you, he won’t cancel. he won’t spend half term with his children, and he ignored you flagging that you were booking something special. He won’t back down, and he prioritises his friends’ opinion over yours.

I’d back off completely. You’ve said your piece. His choice to go. Tell him you’ve booked marriage counselling, for the week he comes back. If he thinks it’s a YOU problem, fine, let’s go to an independent person to talk it through because you are being ignored. Cancel London; it’ll be no fun for you. But honestly, the writing is on the wall because if he’s being stubborn and difficult, where’s the good in you trying to persuade him that half-term is family time if he can’t see it for himself? You’ve been treated so badly, and any poster that attributes equal blame is being a contrarian.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:44

The funny thing is we went morrico in may this year… its only been 5 months … then we did a week stay in wales in august

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HermoniePotter · 12/10/2024 22:44

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:41

No no he has goten closer to these friends only the past year prior to that hebwas always busy woth his other job and rarely went out with any friends. Its when he got anflexible job he had more time and thats when i went on maternity leave and had complete freedom

Oh right that makes more sense then, I must have missed that part.

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:45

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/10/2024 22:43

He is making this into a YOU problem. Which is wrong. He made the booking, he chose not to discuss it with you, he won’t cancel. he won’t spend half term with his children, and he ignored you flagging that you were booking something special. He won’t back down, and he prioritises his friends’ opinion over yours.

I’d back off completely. You’ve said your piece. His choice to go. Tell him you’ve booked marriage counselling, for the week he comes back. If he thinks it’s a YOU problem, fine, let’s go to an independent person to talk it through because you are being ignored. Cancel London; it’ll be no fun for you. But honestly, the writing is on the wall because if he’s being stubborn and difficult, where’s the good in you trying to persuade him that half-term is family time if he can’t see it for himself? You’ve been treated so badly, and any poster that attributes equal blame is being a contrarian.

I was thinking about marriage councilling but he doesn't admit he is in the wrong . One minute he said if u said no i wouldnt go and when i did he said but i havent gone anywhere abroad with friends

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Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 22:46

He literally said your a teacher you have half term off of course u can look after the kids…

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