Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

Can you take the break with a relative or friend and enjoy the time with them but also open up a little?

☝️ this, but he pays for the cleaner. Tell him there will be a serious discussion happening when he returns. While he's away take time to think about what you want out of life and your marriage. I'd be making looking at changes e.g taking a night a week for yourself like he does, making sure he's pulling his weight and talking about his respect for you and the respect you've lost for him

Tell him to go, but tell him you will discussing 'life' when he gets back

Yup- and I'd be making comments about "the future" that would worm their way into his subconscious hinting that it was over.

Enjoy your stupid holiday now, bellend!

I'm so sorry OP.
But I think what you take from this that he has checked out of your marriage and his family is no longer a priority.
His friends are.
What he has done is completely unacceptable.
He is more concerned about losing face with friends than upsetting his wife.
Itbis very hard to realisecand accept this.
What it is is information.
If you were my daughter I would be telling you that you need to protect your.
He may not want to end this marriage but he is one foot out the door.
Start preparing for this.
You can hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
His anger is to shut you down.
Remember that.
Tell family and friends so you have support.

You are supposed to be a team. The way it should work is he talks to you, tells you what his plans are and checks if they suit you and the family plans. If they don't he changes his plans to a date when they do suit.

It's not just what he wants, he's a dad and a husband first. it's about what suits the family. If he can't do that maybe he shouldn't be part of the family.

Currently, he's a selfish man who only cares about himself.

Agree !

The ‘losing face’ to his friends is just 🤦🏼‍♀️. What an imbecile. Completely unacceptable to be away for the ENTIRE half-term.

I dont know what to do! He is saying he has never gone away with friends in 12 years of marriage and i am blowing this out of proportion that i am being a kid:

Hes saying how he used to go out twice a week ( it was sometimes 3 btw) and that he stopped. He is saying why am i bringing it up when hes changed that habit.

I feel really hurt and sick and a lot of emotions right now. I come here and read the messages but when he speaks to me i feel like its my fault like i am being unreasonable

Here’s the easy answer- he’s become a father. Once you become a parent, your priorities have to change and you can’t just expect the other parent to provide childcare while you swan off.

Trips now need to be discussed and childcare arranged, neither of you can just expect the other one to step in.

You tell him this isn't about him going on holiday with his friends. It's about his complete and utter disrespect towards you as his wife and him being a father to his children. He booked it without any discussion with you. He booked it for your only time off, he booked it knowing full well you spend your time off together as a family. It's his complete lack of giving a shit about swanning off and leaving you all without so much as discussing it.

So no, you're not being childish, he's being a totally selfish, disrespectful cunt.

The whole situation with his going out with friends so much is single man behaviour, it's him that needs to grow up - not you.

So if he wants to go away with friends he could... discuss it with you first? Check the time works for you, as he is asking you for 100% childcare?

of course i dont want him to go! But what if he does … thats my fear.

Not wanting to sound harsh but you come across as a wet blanket OP. You need to be clear. He needs to cancel the trip and take the hit on the money lost. If he doesn't you will leave him. Stop being trampled upon.

I’d let him go as it’s all booked and paid for. But in future, you need to work as a team and discuss trips/plans.

My DH goes away without me but we always discuss it first.

FWIW I have occasionally said to DH he is welcome to go on a holiday without me/ the kids at some point if he wants to. Normally in the context of things he likes that I am not so keen on.

But even if we had agreed he was going to do that some time soon, I would be seriously unimpressed if he came home having booked something without checking the dates with me.

My fear is that his friends are not great, he will enjoy this trip and do it again. A part of me wants to say cancel it or were done. It has to be a case of him learning his lesson??

I've merely voted YABU, as you have put up with this shit for FAR too long.

Exactly my thoughts. He’d be getting a choice if it was me 1) go away with his pals and find somewhere else to live when he came home or 2) act like a responsible adult and cancel the trip. He’s a selfish twat and if you put up with this now nothing is going to change, you’ve already put up with him being out with his pals 3 times a week while you were stuck at home and if you don’t nip this in the bud sharpish he’s going to continue to walk all over you. If he wants to live the single life let him have that life, afterall that’s the way he’s trying to live.

You said upthread that they’re all married with kids, but do they have poor relationships, for example? Do you think that they’re negative influences?

he said he would never leave me or the kids, like he wouldnt physically leave the house.
at the moment past few days i havent slept in the same bed as him

@Anonymous20003000 it would not be unreasonable to say that but you would have to mean it and be prepared to follow through.

(Just like with a small child, in fact 🙄)

My husband always said wife and kids first so now im thinking his friends might not be close or bothered with their wives and kids hence i feel like theyv had this negative influence over my husband and hes fallen for it

How does losing a bit of respect from friend line up against losing your wife’s respect?
do you know the friends wives? Especially the one who hasn’t been told!! If you do I’d tell her, I’d tell your husband you are very unhappy, this isn’t how people behave in a good marriage, and you know he knows that, and you are waiting to see how he makes up for it to decide, but if anything like this ever happens again you take it as a declaration that he wants out of the marriage.