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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband going away

552 replies

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 12:55

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

OP posts:
maltravers · 13/10/2024 19:54

That sounds like a good compromise and a lesson learnt by your OH about notice, agreement and fairness hopefully.

Sceptical123 · 13/10/2024 19:57

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 19:45

What do you mean? The end resolution

Your general take-no-shit-attitude!

You know what he’s doing is out of order and sexist and you’re not taking it lying down. You’ve managed to get him to reduce the number of days and are demanding evidence of him doing so so that he can’t wriggle out of it and pretend there were no flights etc. I’m applauding your sense of self worth and the fact you’re taking affirmative action

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:00

Sceptical123 · 13/10/2024 19:57

Your general take-no-shit-attitude!

You know what he’s doing is out of order and sexist and you’re not taking it lying down. You’ve managed to get him to reduce the number of days and are demanding evidence of him doing so so that he can’t wriggle out of it and pretend there were no flights etc. I’m applauding your sense of self worth and the fact you’re taking affirmative action

I have to because then im again left with the same end situation. I can give my blessing for 4 days lol but il still be like what a waste of time and money. But he will always remember it and he will have to part from his friends who will stay the full 7 days! I dont care if it costs him extra it has to be a lesson learnt. And on top of that he will pay for the remaining day activities whatever we do!

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:01

Oh and on top of that i will be meeting with friends over the next few weeks in the evenings so he can take the kids

OP posts:
Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 20:02

No, this is the sort of thing you talk about and work out if it's doable. Sounds like the group are egging each other on, totally unfair. X

Littys · 13/10/2024 20:02

OP, I would strongly recommend that you find a good therapist for yourself.
This is not a good man.
You have been very brave to push back hard and it has paid off, but he is not a good man.
His go to is to not to support you.
He honestly thought after two years of suiting himself he could now go away for a week and you the mug would suck it up.
Absolutely no respect for you.
Well don you for pushing back.
But, he is not a good man.
He doesn't want counselling because he knows well his dreadful behaviour would be called out.
You need a safe place to talk this stuff out.
You are worth 10 of him.
He is not worthy of you.
Please continue to help yourself by telling those around you the truth.

GeeEss · 13/10/2024 20:04

Think he’s having an affair!

GeeEss · 13/10/2024 20:05

Think he maybe having an affair!

Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 20:08

Risking being shot down in flames for asking but is he from a different culture? A culture where it's acceptable to expect this from a woman? Just from experience I've seen this happen, please excuse me if I'm completely wrong. It's just the vibe I got..x

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:10

i can see him now looking stressed … trying to find a return flight!! Squirmmm

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:12

GeeEss · 13/10/2024 20:05

Think he maybe having an affair!

Lol his not ive seen the booking its his 4 friends names

OP posts:
Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:13

Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 20:08

Risking being shot down in flames for asking but is he from a different culture? A culture where it's acceptable to expect this from a woman? Just from experience I've seen this happen, please excuse me if I'm completely wrong. It's just the vibe I got..x

Were both south asians

OP posts:
Coco2024 · 13/10/2024 20:18

Half term Is also the worst time to go!!! Leaves you with even more to deal with

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:23

Ive had a look on skyscanner myself he can come back on the 4th day plenty of flights are available! Of course he will be out of pocket and hos trip will deffo not be worth it but it will be a reminder to not do this again!!

i

OP posts:
Chickadoo · 13/10/2024 20:25

He did tell you though, how is it sneaky?

Zippedydodah · 13/10/2024 20:35

Anonymous20003000 · 12/10/2024 13:30

I told him cancel he said its non refundable and that its be super embarrassing in front of his friends and he would lose respect

Tough.
He’s being utterly irresponsible and I would be absolutely furious.

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:40

Even when i said compromise and u will come back after 4 days first thing he said was ok i will come up with an excuse to tell my friends. I said omg just forget them for a minute u can make a million excuses like u know i want to spend half of the holidays with family and 7 days is extreme, i actually do feel like ive got the upper hand now and he wont be doing this again..,. Waste of money
i think its the best soloution to be honest he gets to go and 4 days is fine and remaining time he will grovel and make up for it 🙂

OP posts:
Fastback · 13/10/2024 20:41

Oh OP, this is infuriating. 😞

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:44

Oh and of course to the build up of him going i will be meeting my friends like i said, its like he cant say anything now lol

OP posts:
Confusedandscare · 13/10/2024 20:45

What are they going to do over there for a week as a group of men?? This would concern me,

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:51

Confusedandscare · 13/10/2024 20:45

What are they going to do over there for a week as a group of men?? This would concern me,

Theyre going on an evening so take off one day and booked an. Early morning return so theyre left with 5 days but ofc my husband will have less!! Ha!!!

OP posts:
Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 21:09

Anonymous20003000 · 13/10/2024 20:13

Were both south asians

So if living by tradition this sort of scenario would be expected and accepted by other men in the group I assume. Do you live in the UK and if so you, as a working woman, will see differences with colleagues about society norms. It's difficult being within a culture with its own values and rules while living in a society with other values, especially as a mother. Xx

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 13/10/2024 21:38

Confusedandscare · 13/10/2024 20:45

What are they going to do over there for a week as a group of men?? This would concern me,

Same. Unless they are into hiking, or very religious or interested in architecture, it's a sex trafficking/tourism area.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 13/10/2024 21:41

Sorry to double post but please tell family and friends how things have been for the whole marriage. Have someone who will answer the phone and come over if he comes back in a nasty mood. Also please consider having separate counselling. Abusive or manipulative partners aren't encouraged to have shared couples counselling sessions, but independent couples counselling sessions.

shehasglasses48 · 13/10/2024 21:46

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2024 13:01

He’s behaving like a single man. Astonished at how laid back you were about him going out 3 times each week. Completely out of order.

This x

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