Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

We talked it out my brother was neutral. We both admit we have a communication issue. My brother said whether he goes or doesnt go thats besides the point as there are other underlying issues. He is going to go but has promised he will focus on us and reduce communication and meet ups woth his friends. He says this has been a big life lesson for him and regrets it. My brother said he will go and have some space and i will have a week to reflect and focus on my self….

The hugging and kissing is another form of control, believe me. Its going to be tough for him, you've found you're voice, it's the start of your new found life choosing. Don't slip back. You don't have anger issues either. Both you and your children have a right to expectations from their husband and dad. Power to your elbow mighty girl. You value you and sod his friendship group, three times a week? It's up to him to prove he values you, wants all of you, if he doesn't do that then things are much clearer.

Not really because you'll have the babies, that's not time to your self. I wish you luck with it.

You will have a week to focus on yourself

-lol yeah right, while you’re looking after very small children - lol again 🙄. This really illustrates how much some men just don’t have a clue what it takes to look after their own children. If you go away OP he will be foisting them onto a female family member, mark my words. I somehow think his best buds will be nowhere to be seen to offer their support

This is the best compromise that the OP could have gotten under the circs. But when he gets back he will be in debt to her for a week of quality time which he is not going to pay back. And unless they go to a (successful )?marriage counselor he isn’t going to bother to change. All this talk about lessons and communication is probably just bullshit if it isn’t backed up by action.

Strike while the iron is hot and ask him to agree to paying for and attending 12 sessions of marital counseling starting when he gets back. Book the sessions before he goes. Also pull out the calendar and book joint family events or weekends away when he will solo with the children.

My husband apologised and said he will never do anything like this again but he needs a break with friends. But there is one thing playing in my mind why do i as the woman have to compromise? Hes literally asking for my blessing but going regardless?? Why does he get rewarded and what he wants after his meet ups and then booking a holiday without asking me. Whereas im left at square 1 nothing in half term and with the 2 kids?
My head is still spinning and nothing is making sense and if i dont make up with him im seen as the unreasonable one…

I admit in our marriage he has never gone on holiday or even spent a night away. My thoughts keep going round and round.
i did say to him if u go i resent u if i dont let u go u will resent me. But i said i see a problem in our marriage dont go and spend half term with us lets work on it but he said no and he will book something for christmas i said its not about the get aways or holidays .

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This sounds very wise @Anonymous20003000

So he has two young kids, one 2 year old, not 20, and he prefers to spend their holidays away from them with his friends?

He doesn't share his feelings because he doesn't have them.

I have a 9 year old and a 1 year old

I know he has learnt his lesson so what more can i ask for? But deep down i am jealous i am very jealous and too dependent on him.its thenthought of him enjoying himself without me.,, i do need to work on this. I need to be more independent myself and make an effort with friends. He said u can go out whnever u want and il watch the kids lol i guess i can really guilt trip him now but is that even healthy

Whereas im left at square 1 nothing in half term and with the 2 kids?
My head is still spinning and nothing is making sense and if i dont make up with him im seen as the unreasonable one…

I was with a manipulative, emotionally abusive man for three years and this sounds classic for that territory. You raise an issue with something they have done, and by the end of the conversation you’re apologising to them and you haven’t been able to deal with the original issue. and he sounds so reasonable!
I still can’t say exactly how he did it, but it is a thing and it’s incredibly damaging. It took me years to recover and I still have problems around hypervigilance and boundaries. This sounds to me as if you’re in that exact territory. I really hope you can find a way out.

I will say, the Relate counsellor we saw sided with me and that shocked him. I felt a million times better, on the other hand!

This is a horrible situation. It’s his fault but has it perhaps got out of hand? Would you be happy with a deal whereby he goes now and in exchange you have a week or two long weekends to yourself while he looks after the kids, or something else you want?

How’s he learnt his lesson? He’s going on his holiday and no consequences beyond one day when you were emotionally distraught and he sat in with the kids! Don’t believe it for a moment. When he gets back it’ll be all “oh so you managed ok without me, it was fine wasn’t it, you had a nice time with the kids…” and then a few months down the line “well it was ok last time, you overreacted at the beginning but it was fine in the end, wasn’t it” and so on.

Shall i say to him make it 4 days so few days left and you can give the family some time?? I mean he mentioned it himself in the morning. Surely that can be a compromise?????

This! This is it. He says he will never make this mistake again and every decision will be with me he says he can only apologise and ask for forgiveness and that it was a dumb move on his part

…but no guarantee for you. I had similar. Sorry. They see it as a way to set a precedent. In my case accompanied by a “you silly billy, here, have this bottle of wine I bought as a consolation for you, now where did I leave my keys and my golf clubs? See you in a few days, have a nice time!”

You're right to be asking these questions OP because it is you who is having to compromise whereas all he has done is show some, probably fake, contrition and make possibly fake, empty promises for the future.

He still gets the holiday. You still get a week at home looking after the kids 24/7 but, ooh, you get time to think. Apparently.

This is not a fair solution.

He says this has been a big life lesson for him and regrets it.

That's bollocks isn’t it - if that were true he’d suck it up and cancel rather than do something he knows you don’t want him to do and loading more stress and work into you by looking after the kids for 7 days without him.

He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear.

I’m sorry, OP. You are not being unreasonable. You’ve got a lot of women in here who understand exactly how you feel 💐

Well it worked he said i will come back after 4 days and plan something for rest of half term with u and the kids. Now heres hoping he finds a return flight ! I told him i cant move foward unless this is done. I said its a compromise he said ok

Ive told him i need to see proof of him booking the return ticket tonight like actually pay for it and show me and then i want him to tell his friends and i need to hear or read that conversation as well… he said ok.
i told him its the only way

On top of that i said he is planning and arranging something for the remaining days with me and the kids!
i think this is the best out of a shitty situation.
he wont argue now he knows

Hats off to you for being so strong 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻 excellent work

What do you mean? The end resolution

To be honest it was the thought of the full 7 days if its 4 days it seems easier to deal with because then we can look forward to the remaining days.
i hope he can find a earlier return flight im going to make sure he does that today before we go to bed. Im sorry not sorry but it has to be done!! Then at least his friends will see my husband is still giving family quality time