Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

I would tell him that if he goes he needn’t bother coming back. And I would mean it.

ive stormed out the house he basically is going and wants my forgiveness and his final lines were at the end of the day i am a man and im older

Im literally shaking he proviked me yet again and said just wait im going to call ur brother i just stormed out

He said he was wrong to not tell me but its not the end of the world and he wont do it again

How do you feel OP about what’s happened today? Do you feel empowered to take any action or are you still feeling as if you cannot do anything to affect the way your relationship is now working?

Your marriage sounds toxic I’m afraid

He is gaslighting he is provoking me. I dont know what to do he wants to go but wants my blessing . Hes saying its not a big deal he doesnt understand its all a buildup.

im in a morrisons car park in a state i dont know where to go or what to do. Im thinking to go and see my brother but what if my husband hasnt called him yet

Hold your anger op. Don’t give in. Do you have someone you trust in real life to sit with? Take your time on what you say next…you don’t need to be pushed into an immediate response or reaction. You can stop engaging and decide what you want.

This is all so toxic. You shouldn't be together.

He does, of course, he wants to have his cake and eat it. How do you think your brother can help?

Can’t you call your brother and go there with the dcs?

Btw do you think your brother would have any problem with you coming unannounced?

Why should your husband call first? Let your brother see you and speak to you for your own sake.

There is a South Asian Mumsnet board where you could get more specific advice about family issues. Is there a big age gap? Do you follow one of the regional religions? His behaviour isn't OK in any of those that I know of, but obviously the South Asian board might be able to suggest better and more detailed approaches.

Your father being a heart patient is not your fault.

Pregnancy is often when abuse starts. You shouldn't have to be paying for childcare. You need to talk to people about your state and your husband's behaviour. There is no honour in silence. You weren't created for abuse.

He told you his next move. Think for yourself now. Stop just reacting to him. What will you do?

I should let him go, I don't think he will enjoy it much and perhaps you can both work out a way forward when he is back. It will probably worry him more if you stop reacting by walking out and losing your temper and be calm and just ignore him.
I hope all works out well for you.

That's a very extreme reaction OP.

I think you just need to be clear he is not going to get your blessing to go on this trip. He can go or not go, but if he goes he doesn't return to the house until you both going to couples counselling, and you can find a way to move on from the way he has disrespected you. If he doesn't want to do that, it's up to him. This is where you draw your line in the sand, chuck him the ball and say it's all yours. He can make whatever decisions he wants fully aware of the consequences of them. Time for him to grow up.

I get that a lit of this is cultural. But OP you need to stop being so reactive and extreme in your reactions. He has a lot if financial and cultural power over you: age, sex, money, cultural capital in the form of respect from society and your family.

Calm down and think seriously about who will support you in this conflict and the aftermath . He is either going to go and hate you, or stay and hate you. You can’t control him. You can only box clever and make him rue the day.

Call your brother first—make your brother take your side. Don’t let him shape the narrative. And figure out what reparations look like to you. Your dh is not going to make any effort to figure out how to live nicely with you without your giving him a map and a headlamp and a compass. He only has programming for his own selfish needs.

Ask at the south Asian board and, I would suggest, throw yourself into the arms of an authority figure he respects to negotiate with him on your behalf and explain to him in culturally appropriate terms where he fucked up and how to proceed .

He will not listen to you or negotiate in good faith with you. This is not his model of the marriage.

How selfish…

I agree, disgraceful. This would be a deal breaker for me.😒

Jeez. He’s a child! How come he values their respect of him considerably more than yours?! Your his wife FGS! You’re meant to be sexually attracted to him!

This is bizarre

So he's acting single so he can be single then , as you love spending time with him and he clearly doesn't return this in feelings I would have not jokingly said no to him going I would have said no take your holiday and the kids and leave him to it oh and tell him to enjoy his single life alone

I think you need to end it. He will never improve.

My question in these situations is, regardless of being given ‘permission’ or not, why does a dad not want to spend some of half-term with his family?? I don’t think he is a good dad. Not by a long chalk.

Eugh mine is similar. Last December, the week before Xmas my fiancée decided he was going on a ski trip with the school he teaches at. We had 16 mo twins at the time. He told me it was for 3 days initially, I said ok I can handle that. Once I said ok and it was confirmed he was going he told me it was actually for a week. I was fuming that he had lied to get me to agree. Really did some damage. Roll on 2 months later he starts telling me he wants to go again this year. I stayed calm and told him I’d rather he waited a year or 2 before he goes again until the toddlers are bigger. Roll on another few months he starts talking about another trip! I lost it. Anyway enough about me (i needed to vent!)
The fact he’s booked it without discussion is awful. You need to have a serious discussion about it. Or if I were you I’d book something just for you the next half term you get a chance. Go away and leave him to deal with everything.

Do you have the DC with you?

Is there somewhere you can go?

It seems like your marriage is over. There’s no coming back from the way he has spoken to you and treated you.